jdavis
First Post
Spoilers ahead although it's hard to spoil this movie as it aparently went bad weeks ago:
Rant Backstory: It's raining here and my wife had a day off so I said lets see a movie, she said I want to see a scary one, it went downhill from there.
Man what a poor moviegoing experience that was. First of all flesh eating viruses are scary but they are not horror movie scary. This was no horror movie. It had all the teen horror plot devices, borderline retarded college kids, cabin out in the middle of nowhere, crazy hillbillies, freaky scary music, crazy camera work with red filters and lots of running through the woods shots. Unfortuantly it lacked one thing, something scary out in the woods trying to kill the college kids while they drink and have sex. There was no scary badguy, heck there was no unscary badguy, there was just idiots in the woods and a viral infection. It was gross, the blood really flew, heck chunks of meat flew all over the place and so did the plot of the movie. The least scary horror movie I have ever seen.
I'll give you the 5 minute version here:
Rant Backstory: It's raining here and my wife had a day off so I said lets see a movie, she said I want to see a scary one, it went downhill from there.
Man what a poor moviegoing experience that was. First of all flesh eating viruses are scary but they are not horror movie scary. This was no horror movie. It had all the teen horror plot devices, borderline retarded college kids, cabin out in the middle of nowhere, crazy hillbillies, freaky scary music, crazy camera work with red filters and lots of running through the woods shots. Unfortuantly it lacked one thing, something scary out in the woods trying to kill the college kids while they drink and have sex. There was no scary badguy, heck there was no unscary badguy, there was just idiots in the woods and a viral infection. It was gross, the blood really flew, heck chunks of meat flew all over the place and so did the plot of the movie. The least scary horror movie I have ever seen.
I'll give you the 5 minute version here:
Act 1:
5 Idiots leave college for party time at cabin in the middle of nowhere. They stop at general store and guy gets bit by crazy "Pancake" kid and really stupid college guy tries to steal a snickers bar. At the cabin "the couple" does what couples do and the guy that got bit and "other" girl go for a swim, really stupid guy goes out to shoot squirrles or woodchucks or crazy sick hermits with the flesh eating virus. Guy who got bit (who I'll call loser guy from here on out) has thing for "other" girl and shooting guy decides not to tell anyone he shot a guy with the flesh eating virus and pretends nothing happened. That night loser guy tells the Bowling alley story which has nothing to do with anything and then a skateboarder guy shows up with his dog Dr. Gonzo (or something like that). Yes let me make sure that part sticks, they are out in the middle of nowhere and a grungy skateboarder guy walks up and ask if they want to smoke some weed. It rains he leaves "to put his stuff in a tent" and the crazy hermit shows up (it took him like 8 hours to walk the 500 yards to the cabin) he ask for help and then notices the guy who shot him and says:"hey your the guy who shot me". Idiot guy slams the door on him and while they argue about trying to help him the hermit tries to steal their truck (80's Blazer to be exact). So the college kids go out and beat on their own vehicle with baseball bats and start shooting the truck (you know instead of opening the door and pulling the guy out or anything sane, they beat the truck up to try and scare the guy). Hermit guy projectile vomits blood and chunks of himself all over the place in the truck then gets out and starts dragging around asking somebody to get him a doctor, so they set him on fire. Yes he begs for help and they set him on fire, he is all eaten up and acting crazy but still they set him on fire, after they had shot him once and tried to beat him (and the blazer) to death with ball bats (and I think a fireplace poker). He runs off a flaming inferno and sprints the half mile to the lake (funny he could barely walk before) so he can die in the water supply.
Act 2:
They all decide the best thing for them to do is just go to sleep and they will try to find a wrecker truck (in the woods) the next day. The next day idiot guy and couple guy go to look for help and couple girl wanders off too. They talk to a hogfarmer and steal some beef jerkey and quit looking for a way to leave, the girl wanders around with a camera looking at her butt for a while. Loser guy gives "other" girl a glass of water and tries to get past the "were just friends stage". Deputy "I'm a Moron" shows up on his bicycle and tells loser guy he will send them a wrecker and talks about parties he see's the Blazer covered in blood and guts (and I mean covered) but ignores it to talk about partying. Everybody shows back up and they decide it's a good time to clean the Blazer, Dr Gonzo the dog shows up and they throw a rock at him. That night Loser guy tries to get some lovin from "other" girl and sticks his hands under the covers, into her flesh eating virus (which apparently attacks the crotch area first). They decide to kick her out and make her sleep in the storage shed, they tell her they won't leave her and they are going to get her some help, then they lock her in and go back to the cabin. Idiot guy looses bet to only drink beer all week when he drinks some water. Next day idiot guy fixes the truck and they shoot at Dr Gonzo some more. Idiot guy gets flesh eating virus and "other" girl is too sick to move, so idiot takes off to go get help, couple guy grabs some wine coolers and runs away and loser guy and couple girl decide this is a good time for sex.
Act 3:
Idiot guy goes to general store and is attacked by "Pancake" kid, pancake kid's father decides to kill idiot guy (I'm not really sure why, he said to keep his kid from getting sick, but it was too late for that, the kid bit a chunk of flesh eating virus off idiot guy). Rednecks rampage into the wood (one guy carries a small box instead of a gun, this is never explained). Loser guy runs off looking for help but stops off to become a peeping Tom and almost gets shot. Couple girl takes a bath and has a outbreak of flesh eating virus (yes on her upper legs, and suprise suprise on her back), she runs outside and Dr Gonzo the dog eats her (Dr Gonzo the dog literally rips her to unidentifiable shreads, all they find are bits of robe and a foot). Loser guy comes back to find Dr Gonzo nibbling on "other" girl, he kills Dr Gonzo (to be fair in self defense as he had to run back to where he dropped the gun). He then beats "other' girl to death with a shovel (I am assuming to put her out of her misery but wouldn't the gun do that better than 10 hits with a old shovel?). idiot guy shows up and they set a redneck ambush. This is getting long: they kill rednecks and idiot dies, loser runs off and eventually (after many zany hyjinks) gets to the hospital. The sheriff decides to kill everybody and burn their corpses instead of helping the sick guy. Of course this doesn't stop anything as the virus is in the lake. Oh yea couple guy wanders out the next day and starts shouting "I made it" then they shoot him and throw him on the fire. Then everybody in town drinks lemonade made with flesh eating virus. Yes in the end everybody dies of the flesh eating virus, the end. Oh I forgot they found skateboarder dead in a cave (even though he told them he was camping in a tent, what a tricky little devil he was).
5 Idiots leave college for party time at cabin in the middle of nowhere. They stop at general store and guy gets bit by crazy "Pancake" kid and really stupid college guy tries to steal a snickers bar. At the cabin "the couple" does what couples do and the guy that got bit and "other" girl go for a swim, really stupid guy goes out to shoot squirrles or woodchucks or crazy sick hermits with the flesh eating virus. Guy who got bit (who I'll call loser guy from here on out) has thing for "other" girl and shooting guy decides not to tell anyone he shot a guy with the flesh eating virus and pretends nothing happened. That night loser guy tells the Bowling alley story which has nothing to do with anything and then a skateboarder guy shows up with his dog Dr. Gonzo (or something like that). Yes let me make sure that part sticks, they are out in the middle of nowhere and a grungy skateboarder guy walks up and ask if they want to smoke some weed. It rains he leaves "to put his stuff in a tent" and the crazy hermit shows up (it took him like 8 hours to walk the 500 yards to the cabin) he ask for help and then notices the guy who shot him and says:"hey your the guy who shot me". Idiot guy slams the door on him and while they argue about trying to help him the hermit tries to steal their truck (80's Blazer to be exact). So the college kids go out and beat on their own vehicle with baseball bats and start shooting the truck (you know instead of opening the door and pulling the guy out or anything sane, they beat the truck up to try and scare the guy). Hermit guy projectile vomits blood and chunks of himself all over the place in the truck then gets out and starts dragging around asking somebody to get him a doctor, so they set him on fire. Yes he begs for help and they set him on fire, he is all eaten up and acting crazy but still they set him on fire, after they had shot him once and tried to beat him (and the blazer) to death with ball bats (and I think a fireplace poker). He runs off a flaming inferno and sprints the half mile to the lake (funny he could barely walk before) so he can die in the water supply.
Act 2:
They all decide the best thing for them to do is just go to sleep and they will try to find a wrecker truck (in the woods) the next day. The next day idiot guy and couple guy go to look for help and couple girl wanders off too. They talk to a hogfarmer and steal some beef jerkey and quit looking for a way to leave, the girl wanders around with a camera looking at her butt for a while. Loser guy gives "other" girl a glass of water and tries to get past the "were just friends stage". Deputy "I'm a Moron" shows up on his bicycle and tells loser guy he will send them a wrecker and talks about parties he see's the Blazer covered in blood and guts (and I mean covered) but ignores it to talk about partying. Everybody shows back up and they decide it's a good time to clean the Blazer, Dr Gonzo the dog shows up and they throw a rock at him. That night Loser guy tries to get some lovin from "other" girl and sticks his hands under the covers, into her flesh eating virus (which apparently attacks the crotch area first). They decide to kick her out and make her sleep in the storage shed, they tell her they won't leave her and they are going to get her some help, then they lock her in and go back to the cabin. Idiot guy looses bet to only drink beer all week when he drinks some water. Next day idiot guy fixes the truck and they shoot at Dr Gonzo some more. Idiot guy gets flesh eating virus and "other" girl is too sick to move, so idiot takes off to go get help, couple guy grabs some wine coolers and runs away and loser guy and couple girl decide this is a good time for sex.
Act 3:
Idiot guy goes to general store and is attacked by "Pancake" kid, pancake kid's father decides to kill idiot guy (I'm not really sure why, he said to keep his kid from getting sick, but it was too late for that, the kid bit a chunk of flesh eating virus off idiot guy). Rednecks rampage into the wood (one guy carries a small box instead of a gun, this is never explained). Loser guy runs off looking for help but stops off to become a peeping Tom and almost gets shot. Couple girl takes a bath and has a outbreak of flesh eating virus (yes on her upper legs, and suprise suprise on her back), she runs outside and Dr Gonzo the dog eats her (Dr Gonzo the dog literally rips her to unidentifiable shreads, all they find are bits of robe and a foot). Loser guy comes back to find Dr Gonzo nibbling on "other" girl, he kills Dr Gonzo (to be fair in self defense as he had to run back to where he dropped the gun). He then beats "other' girl to death with a shovel (I am assuming to put her out of her misery but wouldn't the gun do that better than 10 hits with a old shovel?). idiot guy shows up and they set a redneck ambush. This is getting long: they kill rednecks and idiot dies, loser runs off and eventually (after many zany hyjinks) gets to the hospital. The sheriff decides to kill everybody and burn their corpses instead of helping the sick guy. Of course this doesn't stop anything as the virus is in the lake. Oh yea couple guy wanders out the next day and starts shouting "I made it" then they shoot him and throw him on the fire. Then everybody in town drinks lemonade made with flesh eating virus. Yes in the end everybody dies of the flesh eating virus, the end. Oh I forgot they found skateboarder dead in a cave (even though he told them he was camping in a tent, what a tricky little devil he was).
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