I got this - as a reporter I have a lot of people who tell me stuff - from Bill Sloan, who used to work as a janitor at ILM, then transferred to Lucas Arts and was later fired. He said they left copies of the script for Revenge of the Sith around at night, when he came on duty. So he read it.
According to B.S., at the first of RotS, there is a scene that plays out much like the confrontation between Luke, Vader and Palpatine at the end of RotJ. However, Anakin does not go the high road (like Luke does) and kills Darth Saruman by picking him up and throwing him down the power shaft of the volcano Mt. Doom on the planet Mostador.
Mean while, Padme’ Portman travels (while ever increasingly pregnant, which no one notices even though her wardrobe consists mostly of tanktops and outfits stolen from Kubuki Playhouse) to planets in the Movie system, including Civil War Movie planet, New Jersey Movie planet, Sad lovers movie with that guy from the Civil War Movie planet planet and then she has a stop over on Moby concert planet.
Mean mean while Obi Juan Kenobi travels – with frequent nude scenes – to a number of other planets in the Movie system. But none are the same ones Padme’ goes to. Anakin, interestingly enough, apparently never ever travels to another planet in the Movie system ever again.
Then the Galactic Republic defeats the Cricket People (who the bad guys use to build droids and druids and Terminators and toaster ovens) by a Bug Zapper the size of a small moon and possessing more “bug zapping power than half the space fleet.” All the Cricket People stare at it and mutter “go into the light…” which they do and it zaps them and it makes a terrible smell which lingers and that is why no one goes to their planets in movies IV – XXIV. It smells too bad.
Padme give birth to a hole mess of children, including Luke, Leia, Willow Ufgood, Sorsha, Madmartigan, Laurie Henderson, Curt Henderson, Phil Blumburtt and Indiana Jones.
Then Anakin, all tuckered out because he carried Darth Saruman all the way across New Zeland, holding the man over his head, decides to relax and tries to use R2 to down load some porn but it all comes across in an alien language. So he has 3PO translate it all. And so to make certain Obi-Juan does not catch him, he wipes their memories.
Later, Anakin and Obi-Juan fight ‘cause the script said so and Anakin falls into the same volcano where he threw Darth Saruman. It almost kills him. Then Darth McDiarmid has the interns from Scrubs – all of them in heavy make up to make them look like aliens – save him.
Yoda returns to his home world of Degobah, only to learn the rest of his native people decided that was a gawd-awful place to live and they’ve all moved to Warn Beach Front Planet.
Anakin is repentant and wants to atone and stuff. So Darth McDiarmid makes Anakin watch the “Star Wars Christmas Special,” which kills him. He falls over like a block of wood and then jumps up all evil like and becomes Darth Vader.
To prove just how evil he really is, Darth McDiarmid has the first 9 variations of outfits worn by Darth Vader designed by the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy – all of them in heavy make up to make them look like gayliens.
The movie ends with a big dinner scene, where Scorpius, Ming, Darth McDiarmid, Voldemort, Darth Saruman, Khan, Bill Gates, Grumpy Celt, and Darth PirateCat all realize they are composed entirely of ham.
Then the credits roll over a Gungan/Ewok jamboree design to chase the audience out of the theater.
According to B.S., at the first of RotS, there is a scene that plays out much like the confrontation between Luke, Vader and Palpatine at the end of RotJ. However, Anakin does not go the high road (like Luke does) and kills Darth Saruman by picking him up and throwing him down the power shaft of the volcano Mt. Doom on the planet Mostador.
Mean while, Padme’ Portman travels (while ever increasingly pregnant, which no one notices even though her wardrobe consists mostly of tanktops and outfits stolen from Kubuki Playhouse) to planets in the Movie system, including Civil War Movie planet, New Jersey Movie planet, Sad lovers movie with that guy from the Civil War Movie planet planet and then she has a stop over on Moby concert planet.
Mean mean while Obi Juan Kenobi travels – with frequent nude scenes – to a number of other planets in the Movie system. But none are the same ones Padme’ goes to. Anakin, interestingly enough, apparently never ever travels to another planet in the Movie system ever again.
Then the Galactic Republic defeats the Cricket People (who the bad guys use to build droids and druids and Terminators and toaster ovens) by a Bug Zapper the size of a small moon and possessing more “bug zapping power than half the space fleet.” All the Cricket People stare at it and mutter “go into the light…” which they do and it zaps them and it makes a terrible smell which lingers and that is why no one goes to their planets in movies IV – XXIV. It smells too bad.
Padme give birth to a hole mess of children, including Luke, Leia, Willow Ufgood, Sorsha, Madmartigan, Laurie Henderson, Curt Henderson, Phil Blumburtt and Indiana Jones.
Then Anakin, all tuckered out because he carried Darth Saruman all the way across New Zeland, holding the man over his head, decides to relax and tries to use R2 to down load some porn but it all comes across in an alien language. So he has 3PO translate it all. And so to make certain Obi-Juan does not catch him, he wipes their memories.
Later, Anakin and Obi-Juan fight ‘cause the script said so and Anakin falls into the same volcano where he threw Darth Saruman. It almost kills him. Then Darth McDiarmid has the interns from Scrubs – all of them in heavy make up to make them look like aliens – save him.
Yoda returns to his home world of Degobah, only to learn the rest of his native people decided that was a gawd-awful place to live and they’ve all moved to Warn Beach Front Planet.
Anakin is repentant and wants to atone and stuff. So Darth McDiarmid makes Anakin watch the “Star Wars Christmas Special,” which kills him. He falls over like a block of wood and then jumps up all evil like and becomes Darth Vader.
To prove just how evil he really is, Darth McDiarmid has the first 9 variations of outfits worn by Darth Vader designed by the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy – all of them in heavy make up to make them look like gayliens.
The movie ends with a big dinner scene, where Scorpius, Ming, Darth McDiarmid, Voldemort, Darth Saruman, Khan, Bill Gates, Grumpy Celt, and Darth PirateCat all realize they are composed entirely of ham.
Then the credits roll over a Gungan/Ewok jamboree design to chase the audience out of the theater.
Last edited:
