Dungeons & Dragons - The Musical

[TheAuldGrump]

Song fades as Hero and Company proceed off stage.

Hero (pointing): And now to the Wizard's!

Disolve to Beholder's lair.

The Beholder drifts behind a round desk an enormous book open upon it's surface. As the Beholder reads the pages flip themselves. The Beholder has a single lensed half spectacle, the earpieces braced behind two eyestalks, deep in concentration. His ten eyestalks drift, maintaining vigil around the room. Three of them turn toward the Left Entrance.

Beholder:
Yes, what is it?

Voice (off screen): You wanted an eye kept upon the Hero, Master?

Beholder (turning to gaze off screen with his central eye peering over the half spectacle, blinking once): Yes.

Voice: I have found a way for you to do so more... directly, my lord.

Beholder: I see....

Dissolve to Wizard's Chamber, lit by torches and ten floating candles.
The Wizards sits behind his desk reading an enormous book, as he reads the pages flip themselves. He is wearing a pair of half spectacles, the earpieces hooked over his ears, deep in concentration. The ten candles drift around him as he reads, mirroring the locations of the Beholder's eyestalks. Each candle bears a device in the shape of an eye, seeming to keep vigil in the chamber. Three of them turn toward the Left Entrace, as does the Wizard.

Door opens, revealing Hero his hand raised to knock.

Wizard (peering over glasses):
Yes, What is it?

Hero (looking nervous): Wizard? I am here...

Wizard: Yes?

Hero (looking even more nervous as he sees the candles looking at him): Wizards, I am here seeking magical assistance in slaying a dragon?

Cue music.

Wizard (singing):
A dragon?
You wish to slay a dragon?
Have you not learned,
You will get burned,
If you go to fight a dragon?

A dragon!
Join you to slay a dragon?
We will get caught,
We'll come to naught,
If we go to fight a dragon!

This dragon?
Where will you find this dragon?
In dungeon deep,
Where will we creep,
If we must kill this dragon?

What dragon?
Who is this mighty dragon?
To know his name,
His deadly fame,
We have to name this dragon!

Wizard (speaking): Well, I'm waiting?

Music fades.

Hero (still nervous, entering Chamber):
Well it's like this...

Wizard (peering over spectacles):
Yes?

Hero (door closes behind him):
The town to the north east...

Wizard:
Nestfall. Yes?

Hero:
It has a name? I didn't ask...

Wizard (sounding grumpy):
Yes it has a name, it didn't occur to you to read the sign or ask?

Hero:
Well, there wasn't any sign, the town had been burned...

Wizard (angry):
Burned! And you didn't think to tell me that first?

Hero (now very nervous):
Well, the dragon...

Wizard:
Dammit man, the people come first, didn't they teach you that in hero school?

Hero:
Well they said that they'd reward the person who...

Wizard (rising from behind the desk):
Slays the dragon, yes? And you were so busy of thinking about the reward and the dragon's treasure that you didn't think to ask about the town?

Hero (suddenly sounding more confident):
Treasure? You think the dragon will have treasure?
(Pauses.)
Umm, if you're interested in the townsfolk, does that mean you won't want a portion of the...

Wizard (glares);

Hero:
Umm, right. Forty, thirty, thirty then?

Wizard:
Cloak! (cloak flies around his shoulders.)
Staff! (staff flies to his hand.)
Book! (book closes, puts itself into a bag, and waits floating by the Wizard's side.)
Door! (door to the chamber opens again.
Lights! (torches dim, the only light now comes from the candles.)
Idiot! (exits Chamber from the doorway.)

Hero:
You want me to follow you then? (follows.)

Fade.

The Auld Grump

 

[Angel Tarragon]

Dungeons & Dragons the motion picture was pretty darned bad. And my hopes for D&D 2 are not high at all.

So how to make them better? That was the question.

Of course! The answer is to make a musical!

First off I loved the movie. No, I mean I love the movie. And a musical? sick. Except for Fiddler on The Roof and The Man of La Mancha, I despise plays and musicals.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Hmmm...

"If I were a witch, man, a dibble dabble wibble wobble frammin zot!
All day long I'd dibble dable poof, if I had an arcane hand!"

"The hilllllllls are alive
with the sound of combat!"

_______

As for liking the D&D movie...WHY?

Marlon Wayans doing a crappy impression of Chris Tucker?
Right Said Fred as the powerful warrior who was too sexy for his helmet?
Artifacts of power that were obviously plastic?
The rabid, inarticulate, career ending delivery of Jeremy Irons?
The painfully obvious CGI in the form of massless, luminous dragons and identical council members?
Vulcan Elves?

What was there to like?

 

[TheAuldGrump]

What was there to like?

What you need is a two hundred pound dwarf woman, with hair on her chin you can hold onto! *Accompanied by pelvic thrust*

The Auld Grump

*EDIT* Changed one word to continue the Rocky theme... For those who need to know Elwood was the unnamed dwarf in the movie...

 

[cmanos]

... I despise plays and musicals.

and what is a movie besides a play on film...

 

[Henry]

Sung by Damodar

Oh,
The thing inside my brain,
that skiddly-scabrous thing,
I shan't be whole
nor in control
while the thing remains!

That Profion should do this
with not a single remiss
means my favor
is belaboured
and my mind shall dismiss!

But how long do I have?
I cannot surely know,
for while it grows
(AHH! WILD DOGS! EATING MY FACE!)
It tells me things that none other can know.

While I tarry for Ridley and for Snails,
my unwelcome house-guest does prevail
inside my braaaaaaain...
(HELLO, SIR! HOW ARE YOU DO YOUALLWILLDIEIWILLEATYOU!)

until to nary a thing

will my sanity cling

hm, does it have wings
ouch this does sting!

shall in my brain remain!

 

[Imperialus]

Villagers in a tavern: Tell me more! Tell me more! Was there phat lewt galore?!
Orcs: Tell me more! Tell me more! Is he nailed to your door?!

 

[spigadang]

Villagers in a tavern: Tell me more! Tell me more! Was there phat lewt galore?!
Orcs: Tell me more! Tell me more! Is he nailed to your door?!

Oh a grease fan!

 

[krichaiushii]

Sung during the inevitable combat between the Hero and the goblins:

"Its just a stab to the left
and a cut to the right.
Put your sword through his head
- its such a terrible sight!
And then the pelvic thrust
which fills your target with pain.

Let's do the melee again!"

 

[TheAuldGrump]

Hero (Sheathing his blade):
They never learn do they? (Laughs) Say, where are my henchmen anyway?

Wizard:
They ran away when they saw the goblins and orcs. What did you do, stop off at the first tavern you could find to hire help? (The candles still float around him, seeming to be looking for something)

Hero:
Ummm

Wizard:
I thought so.

Hero:
So where are we going now?

Wizard:
To get some real help.

Hero:
Does that mean giving them shares?

Wizard:
You get what you pay for.

Hero:
So who are we hiring?

Wizard:
Recruiting, not hiring, you saw how far hiring will get us.

Hero:
Who are we recruiting then?

Wizard:
A Cleric I know keeps a hermitage out in the woods. The chances are very good that we are going to need her services before this is done.

Hero:
Services? Healing and such?

Wizard: Or funerals and such, yes...

Hero:
And where is she, and this hermitage you say she has?

Wizard:
Unless I miss my guess she has been watching us for the last ten minutes or so.

Hero (startled):
She has? I never noticed her.

Wizard:
That is because you have been looking straight ahead, not checking your perimeter.

Hero:
Perimeter? You mean to the right and to the left? I've been keeping my eyes open! I spotted the Goblins didn't I?

Wizard (sighing):
After they had been following us for five minutes.

Hero:
They were following us for that long? Why didn't you tell me?

Wizard:
Because I wanted them all nice and tightly packed together so I could put them to sleep, then wake them up one at a time to question them. I tried to get you to notice them quietly.

Hero:
Oh? Why didn't you put them to sleep then?

Wizard:
Because as soon as you saw them you yelled 'goblin's' and charged them. Which would have meant putting you under as well.

Hero:
Hah! Well Wizard, you aren't as good as you think you are! I have looked right and left, and still no Cleric! You don't really know where she is, do you?

Wizard: You didn't look up, either.

Cleric (up in tree):
(Laughs) I wondered when you'd get around to telling him Harold!

Hero:
Harold?

Wizard (rolling eyes):
You didn't ask my name either. (Cue Music.)

Cleric:
(Laughs)

Wizard (singing):
You've got to learn boy!
Or you'll get burned boy!
Use that brain within your head boy!
Before the dragon kills you dead boy!

Why don't you think lad?
There is a link lad!
Something important that you have missed!
Or for some reason you've dismissed!

Cleric (speaking):
I think he's a little upset with you soldier.

Wizard (still singing):
Just look around boy!
Hear every sound boy!
For every thing you do not see,
May be a thing that does you dee!

Go wonder why boy!
Before you die boy!
If you do not know the answer,
Ask a question, take a chance, sir.

Cleric (dropping out of tree, still speaking):
Do you think he can Harold? He seems a little out of practice on the thinking side of things...

Wizard (still singing):
Go make a plan boy!
Think like a man, boy!
Don't just sit there like a doltling!
And just listen to my scolding!

Wizard (shouting not singing as the music ends abruptly):
In other words, you idiot use your head as something other than a hat rack! Ask questions if you don't know something, if someone calls you an idiot prove them wrong. Do SOMETHING! (Takes off his hat and throws it to the ground.)

Cleric:
Yes, he is definitely upset.

Hero:
But I'm a fighter sir, and my officer used to say...

Wizard:
And how do you think he became an officer, boy?

Hero (sulking):
It's not like you were ever in the Army or something...

Wizard (softly):
Bet you a gold on that?

Cleric:
(Laughs) Take it easy on him Sargeant, he's young yet.

Hero (very quietly):
Oh.

Wizard:
Now it's clear that you have something on your mind, but you've been focussed on the rewards for the job instead of the job itself. If you do that you won't ever see the reward.

There is a few more people that we need for the task at hand, specialists and (looks Hero up and down, as do two of his candles) maybe another strong arm for the front line. There's a dwarf in the hills not too far from here, we served together.

Hero:
So no henchman? Just party members?

Wizard:
Oh, we'll need henchmen all right, the ones you hired are back at the tavern by now.

Hero:
How do you know that?

Wizard:
I watched you pay them. Remember boy, half pay until the job is done, then the rest.

Hero:
But I always hated it when the officers did that to me.

Wizard:
Mercenary were you? I thought so.
Well think of it this way boy, it worked on you didn't it?

Hero:
My name's Robert.

Wizard:
What?

Hero:
My names Robert, not 'boy'.

Wizard:
Well Robert, that's a start.

(Fade)

The Auld Grump