Hellefire's Comment Section/Pseudo-judgements
As I have done in the past, I am going to do my best to comment on all stories (though obviously this will have to wait until I get my story in for rounds I am in). I do this because I think comments and critiques help writers, and that different perspectives let them see how others view their stories. I also post my own thoughts on how I think judgement would go based on my personal impressions. As history shows, I am about 50-50 on these, so my thoughts don't necessarily reflect the judges opinions.
May the creation begin.
Aaron
My choice and feedback posted for Round 1, all Matches. Note this has nothing to do with actual judging, just my thoughts and critiques.
For competitors and Spectators only! Judges, please don't read until you finish judging each round!
Forgot to add, for public consumption -
Hellefire's Path of Destruction:
Victim 1: Hellefire (near death experience)
Victim 2: yangnome
Victim 3: Waiting to be announced
Victim 4: Waiting to be announced
[sblock]Results:
Round 1:
Hellefire's Insight: 4/7 (5/8 if you count the given match, but I wont) (57.14%)
Competitors(Scores/25): My Judgement/Judges Judgement:
awayfarer(18) vs takd(16.2): awayfarer(3-0)/
awayfarer(2-1)
yangnome(16.3) vs. Toras(16.3): Toras(2-1)/
yangnome(3-0)
FickleGM(19.8) vs. Cevalic(21): Cevalic(2-1)/
FickleGM(2-1)
questinggm(0) vs. freeXenox(16): freeXenox(3-0)/
freeXenox(3-0)
Hellefire(20.8) vs. Trench(20.5): Hellefire(2-1)/
Trench(2-1)
EP (20.2) vs. Avatar V (22.5): Avatar V(2-1)/
Avatar V(3-0)
My pics for Second Chance for Round 2/Judges pics:
Cevalic/
Cevalic
Hellefire/
Hellefire
My favorite story/ies for round 1: Avatar V, closely followed by Cevalic, Trench and EP
Round 2:
Hellefire's Insight: 0/0 (100%!)
Competitors(Scores/25): My Judgement/Judges Judgement:
awayfarer vs AvatarV: awaiting stories
yangnome vs. Hellefire: awaiting stories
FickleGM vs. freeXenox: awaiting stories
Trench vs. Cevalic: awaiting stories
My favorite story/ies for round 2: awaiting stories
Comments:
Round 2:
awayfarer vs AvatarV - my pic: awaiting stories
yangnome vs. Hellefire - my pic: awaiting stories
FickleGM vs. freeXenox - my pic: awaiting stories
Trench vs. Cevalic - my pic: awaiting stories
Round 1:
awayfarer vs. tadk - my pic: awayfarer (3-0)
Comments - awayfarer:
Technical Writing(8/10):
No obvious spelling or punctuation mistakes jumped out at me. In the first paragraph the tense jumped from past to present (where it stayed through the rest of the story). Most stories are told in the past tense - I have no problems with using the present tense, but switching without obvious reason is bad.
Creative Writing(7/10):
The elements of the story were tied together, and I did find myself drawn into the story and anticipating events. Good adjective use. The angel hanging up her wings when she uses the bathroom was great. On the downside, some parts seemed forced (such as the unbeatable case suddenly worth nothing, then just as suddenly made invincible again by a couple of minor corrections) and some parts seemed incomplete. Agnes is mentioned a couple times but doesn't play much of a role. I would have liked more explanation of Jim's telepathy, and a bit more about the 'magic 8-ball box'. It seemed a bit unbelievable to me that a judge would be using the same restroom as the lawyers, or that he would be so openly biased, so directly to them. I could picture a good vs. evil scenario, which I think you were getting at, but a few more details would have been nice. The ending was great - I like evil winning stories, and I like 'use your imagination' endings, and that was a great combination of both. I was a little (pleasantly) surprised at the end, and that pumps up your score a point
.
Picture Use(7/10):
Courtroom (7/10) - Pivotal location in story, and beginning scene. It is used well for that, though it would have been nice to have a more active use of the picture, or using more elements of it. Good description of the key figures.
The Box (6/10) - Central character in the story, and a decently imaginative one. There was a lot more about the picture that struck me, though it may or may not have fit into the story well - the dropped ball, the ball on top, the buttons and dials on front. Again, I would have liked a bit more about the Box.
Angel (8/10) - Central character in the story, and well written. I especially liked how you descibed her with the same look she has in the drawing. Her actions and purpose all lead up to that look, and that is excellent. I like the rainbow socks too
.
Total: 1/2(8) + 7 + 7 = 4 + 7 + 7 = 18/25
Comments - tadk:
Technical Writing(7/10):
There are a couple typos, and 'nestle' used in two adjacent sentences (one active, one passive). The style of the writing makes rating technicality difficult - it took a couple readings to get used to it. I decided I like it, but there are some places where different tenses and punctuation would have been not only grammatically correct, but also easier to read.
Creative Writing(6/10):
The central idea I liked a lot, and the ending was superb. Part of the reason I was surprised at the use of the box was that not much led up to it. The idea of the angel being where she was, and her purpose, were well described. While I liked the basic idea a lot, I would have liked it filled out more - the story seems a bit, skeletal, I guess.
Picture Use(6.7/10):
Courtroom (6/10) - Story led to this location, and it was certainly an important location to the story, but it was not used more than as a reference.
Box (6/10) - As with the courtroom, this was a major part of the story, but was only used for a reference.
Angel (8/10) - Central character in the story. The picture is very good, but only of one subject, and this subject was covered as well as could be expected (nice description of the wings).
Total: 1/2(7) + 6 + 6.7 = 3.5 + 6 + 6.7 = 16.2/25
Comments - Combined:
It was hard to compare the two stories because they were vastly different styles. I liked both of them for what they were - great ideas and both endings. I would have liked more detail for both, especially tadk's. i think tadk had a great base, but needed to flesh it out more. I think awayfarer had some interesting ideas, but some seemed forced. In the end, I go with awayfarer for more detail and (a bit) more readability.
yangnome vs. Toras - my pic: Toras (2-1)
Comments - yangnome:
Technical Writing(6/10):
Only one typo jumped out at me, though there were other grammatical mistakes. For example, the wings of angels are a metaphor, or are metaphorical, not 'are a methaphorical'. The major problem I had though was jumping back and forth from the past tense to the present tense. It would make sense if the story started in the past then went to the present at a given moment and stayed there, and/or if there was past tense added later during moments of memory, but there did not seem to be any order to how the tenses were working.
Creative Writing(6/10):
The story hooked me in the beginning, and that was great. It was interesting and funny. It lost a lot in the middle and the end because there were references to certain culture/works (the Bible) that I didn't 'get.' I have read some of and know some of the stories from the Bible, but not most of the story of Lot. Some of your references may have been great if I knew that story, but I don't so I was lost a lot. What is an S&G mission by the way? (Save & Grab? Sht's n Grins? Just this second figured that one out - Sadom and Gammora (sp?)) Repeated comments about being raped/not being raped were a bit uncomfortable for me, partly because I didn't know if you were being figurative or literal (again, this may have to do with the background story I don't know). I have a large problem with people writing stories based on other people's stories. I let this one slide because the Bible can be considered part of popular culture, but I still don't like it much (same for refering to other people's poetry, films, or other creative work).
Picture Use(7.3/10):
Being/Castle(9/10): Opening scene and main character. Many elements of the picture were used and some played a part in the story. The sea of gold looks blue in the picture, but a liberal interpretation is ok.
Woman/Pet(6/10): Central character in the story (woman), but picture has many other elements (pet/horse/location) which are not used or just 'dropped'. Picture was only used as a reference but nothing specific.
Dog(7/10): Central character. Picture was led up to, and there was a reason for him wearing sunglasses. Seemed a little forced, though honestly I don't know what more you could do with that picture.
Total: 1/2(6) + 6 + 7.3 = 3 + 6 + 7.3 = 16.3/25
Comments - Toras:
Technical Writing(4/10):
I'm just going to stick to the technical details here, which are not your strong suit. Besides jumping from present to past tense and back through-out the story in no apparent pattern, you also jump from first to third person. Some words should be hyphenated and aren't (white-eyed, for example). There are also places where word-use is, well, off (white-eyed stare, not stair; pull off, not pull of; flowing pirate shirt, not following pirate shirt; servant daemons, not servant daemon's). They distract from the story, but not enough to make it unreadable. Spelling is ok.
Creative Writing(7/10):
I enjoyed the premise of the story a great deal. It was a little difficult to follow in spots, but this was partly due to technical errors (see above). I like stories/adventures in a pseudo-ShadowRun/Matrix type of world, though I consider stories based on such a world a little bit opportunistic (meaning that anything can be made in the graphics of the net, which makes picture use easier than if you were trying to model 'reality'.) I feel the same way about stories using dreams ('the dragon on the Harley was all just a dream'). I don't deduct points for it, but it doesn't present as much of a challenge. As for the story itself, I found it interesting, and liked the ending. It seemed a bit rushed near the end.
Picture Use(7.3/10):
Woman/Pet(8/10): Supporting character and first interaction scene. This pic is not how I envision the Matrix/Net to look, though who knows. I think this picture does not lend itself to the scenario. On the other hand, you did a good job of describing different elements of the picture and that helped a lot.
Dog(7/10): Supporting character. Not much you can do with this picture. Was led up to, though only briefly.
Being/Castle(7/10): Central character and ending scene. Character not used at all, only refered to at the end. Story led to this place and this characer, but not much was used, descriptively, to lead to this, or used afterwards. There were a couple decent descriptions of the picture itself, and I can imagine the Matrix/Net looking like this, so it lends itself to the genre.
Total: 1/2(4) + 7 + 7.3 = 2 + 7 + 7.3 = 16.3/25
Comments - Combined:
There were many up and down sides of both stories. I liked both stories a lot, for their central ideas, and humor (from Yangnome) and descriptiveness (from Toras). Toras' story was hard to read because of technical errors. Yangnome's story was hard to read because it referred to another story I did not know well. Yangnome's story was more appealing at the beginning, with its interest and humor, but unfortunately it lost me so much at the end with its outside references that I completely lost connection with the story. I think both stories could use some fleshing out, and this is a very close call, but I'm going to have to go with Toras by a hair.
FickleGM vs. Cevalic - my pic: Cevalic (2-1)
Comments - FickleGM:
Technical Writing(9/10):
I only saw one spelling mistake (thing instead of think) and a couple of dropped words (for example, 'a grin formed', not 'grin formed'). Spelling, punctuation, tenses and grammar were all good.
Creative Writing(8/10):
The story drew me in, and flowed very well. There were a couple parts that seemed a bit unrealistic. The girls were best friends, but Jo didn't seem overly worried by Sarah's condition, and then accepted what she said about somebody in the mirror talking to her fairly easily. When one guy was hit by the truck, the other guy grabbed a fork and came over to the truck. These parts were a bit hard to swallow at face value. The two guys at the beginning were working doing construction - but why? Besides tying into the picture, the beginning part doesn't seem to have anything to do with the rest of the story. I liked the ending, but who Granny Elsa is besides an old woman in a picture with cats is a bit thin also. All-in-all, a very nice story. I especially liked that the girl who was freaked out in the beginning (due to spectral women talking to her from mirrors) took more charge and was more useful when things got wierd (guys killing their boyfriends and hunting them). That made a lot of sense to me.
Picture Use(7.3/10):
Construction Workers(7/10): Central characters, near opening scene. Well explained, but the story up to the picture and after the picture are only related by the picture.
Spectral Reflection(9/10): Central characters of the story. The explanation of this picture, including what it was and who the people were, was very detailed and flowed with the story. I particularly like that the picture wasn't used until the (third?) time the girl saw the spectre in the mirror, which explains why she isn't freaked out in the picture. Great job!
Lady with Cats(6/10): Central character, ending scene. Scene, though not necessarily picture itself, was led up to. Some elements of the picture not used, as well as more description/explanation.
Total: 1/2(9) + 8 + 7.3 = 4.5 + 8 + 7.3 = 19.8/25
Comments - Cevalic:
Technical Writing(8/10):
Spelling, puncuation, tenses and grammar were all good. A couple sentences were a bit strained in their structure. Minus a full point for no mention of where the pictures were intended, though it was fairly obvious in two cases.
Creative Writing(9/10):
Superb story. Good explanations of characters, background, and mannerisms ('The six only know'). Intriguing story that covered all important details of itself, leaving me wanting more. My only minor complaints are the vagueness between Returning and Risen, and I would have liked more details about demons (types, effects, etc). With the two men, things revealed themselves as the main character got closer, then it says 'I knew the signs at once,' which was a bit contradictory. Excellent job!
Picture Use(8/10):
Spectral Reflection(9/10): Opening scene. Well described and explained. Led into the full story. Very nice!
Lady with Cats(8/10): Pivotal scene. Well described. Not led up to much, but used very effectively, with a central character.
Garbage Men(7/10): Ending scene. Led up to fairly well, and makes sense in the context of the story. Was a little bit akward.
Total: 1/2(8) + 9 + 8 = 4 + 9 + 8 = 21/25 Outstanding!
Comments - Combined:
FickleGM's story was intriguing and mostly believable. I liked it, a lot, with a couple minor questions. Cevalic's story was gripping and encompassing. I had minor issues near the end, and there wasn't specific locations of picture use. Both stories were spectacular, but I am going to go with Cevalic for being more complete and plausible.
questinggm vs. freeXenox - my pic: freeXenox (3-0)
Comments - questinggm:
No Story
Comments - freeXenox:
Technical Writing(4/10):
You jump continually between past and present tense, sometimes even in the same sentence. You miss some words, and misuse some phrases (as ... as, etc). You also use the wrong words in places (their turn, not there turn).
Creative Writing(6/10):
The story had an interesting premise - I liked some of the central ideas. I was left with some questions, though. More info about the young lady and uncle Sarris would have been nice. The community was established pretty well. The ending confused me a bit. The visitors were...actually yaks? Sent by whom? And who made them look like people and able to talk? And why?
Picture Use(8/10):
Young lady(8/10): Central character and opening scene. Well done - good description and led into the story. Could have used the crown of flowers or dress more, but good job.
Temple(9/10): Central location and scene. Good description, lead-in and use. Great job!
Painted Face(7/10): Supporting character. Nice description, though a bit more about the face-paint and design would have helped I think.
Total: 1/2(4) + 6 + 8 = 2 + 6 + 8 = 16/25
Comments - Combined:
freeXenox's story had interesting ideas, but was a bit difficult to read due to grammatical errors, and left a lot of questions and holes. Great picture use! I don't think the story was too long, but some parts were drawn out (the discussion between the girl and uncle) without much point, and some parts needed more flshing out. Round goes to freeXenox by default.
Hellefire vs. Trench - my pic: Hellefire (2-1)
Comments - Hellefire:
Technical Writing(9/10):
As far as I can tell, spelling, grammar, punctuation and tenses are ok. A couple sentences are a little awkward.
Creative Writing(9/10):
Well, I liked my story. I think I covered all of the major angles. I wish I had more descriptive terms in some places. There were a couple minor inconsistencies - like why the girl in the picture was so clean after crawling through an underground maze. Also, where did her brother learn black magic?
Picture Use(7.3):
Dove Parade(7/10): Pivotal scene. The first place when the main character realizes something is amiss. Led up to well, but nothing really happens except something not being there.
Other World(7/10): Led up to well, decently described. An area where something major has taken place, though not used much afterwards.
Girl Screaming(8/10): Final scene. Led up to well, climax.
Total: 1/2(9) + 9 + 7.7 = 4.5 + 9 + 7.3 = 20.8
Comments - Trench:
Technical Writing(9/10):
Spelling, tenses, grammar and punctuation were great. I noticed a few dropped words and at least one word that was moved but the original not moved, also one in the wrong tense (chop not chopping). Great job besides.
Creative Writing(8/10):
I liked the story a ton! I am from a hippy family (my name was originally Sunshine) and I related to about 99% of it. I liked the ending a lot too, though it was kind of an awkward stretch from dream to realization. It was a little rough to follow who was doing what and which were dream sequences - I think a little more development/addition to the story would help a lot.
Picture Use(8/10):
Girl Screaming(8/10): Pivotal scene. About as much as you can do with that picture. Used well, led up to some but not a whole lot.
Other World(8/10): I generally dislike using a dream for a picture. I gave an extra point or two here because it was used extensively in the story and blended into the plot very well.
Dove Parade(8/10): Final scene. Led up to, and integral part of the story. I can see this as a hippy protest parade. Well done.
Total: 1/2(9) + 8 + 8 = 4.5 + 8 + 8 = 20.5 Excellent!
Comments - Combined:
I thought these were both really good stories that had very interesting interpretations of the pictures. This was very close - I am going with mine, by a hair, because I like the story a bit more and it flows a bit better for me. Though, I suck at judging myself.
EP vs. Avatar V - my pic: Avatar V (2-1)
Comments - EP:
Technical Writing(9/10):
Superb technical writing. I noticed no errors in spelling, punctuation, tense or grammar. Minus a full point for not specifying where the pictures were meant to be, though it was fairly obvious. Except for that point, this would have been a rare 10.
Creative Writing(9/10):
Truly excellent story. The mixture of modern religion and references, western theme, and magic/DnD worked extremely well. Descriptions and feelings were there. I was completely drawn into the story, and related to the characters. I would have liked a little more interplay between characters (it was hinted at near the beginning but then went almost entirely to action). I had a minor problem with the demon giving up the girl but not the magician at the end - why follow half an ultimatum? I'm nit-picking a bit, because I cannot find any major flaws in this story. Spectacular!
Picture Use(6.7/10):
Animal Skull(7/10): Beginning scene. Used as scenery, and well done at that. Not expanded on much or meaning much though. Also, it is referred to as a bull-like creature, though the horns clearly look like some type of deer. I'm not going to take any points off for that - picture use can be figurative as opposed to literal, and maybe the character has never seen a deer, but it's something I noticed.
Girls Riding(6/10): Used as an illusion. I tend not to like pure illusions without much meaning in the same way I don't like 'dream' use or 'computer generated (matrix/network)' use of pictures. The picture was used in a scene, but clearly the picture created the scene, as opposed to the scene being there naturally and the picture part of it.
Yarn Woman(7/10): The use fit the story, and I can see that as a demon in disguise. I still don't like 'illusion' use of pictures much, but it is blended into the story ok.
Total: 1/2(9) + 9 + 6.7 = 4.5 + 9 + 6.7 = 20.2/25 Excellent!
Comments - Avatar V:
Technical Writing(9/10):
I only saw one obvious mistake (meddling, not medaling), though there were a couple places I thought you meant to use 'see' instead of 'say'. Not sure about that, but almost perfect anyway. Easy to read and almost entirely correct.
Creative Writing(9/10):
The story was gripping. Enough action and great emotional content. I was glued to it until it was done. The conclusion with Avari was appropriate. The gluing pictures in the photo album bit was outstanding. The discussion with the Time-spinner was funny and the surrounding emotions genuine. So, the Timespinner must have known that her daughter would die soon? I was a little confused if she just created time itself, and watched it for what would happen, or created the actual events as well. The bus part was a little vague and didn't fit well into my 'sensibility' list. As I do sometimes, the explanations were a bit rushed, but flowed really well. There was one thread left dangling - what is to stop the man from making another time-space machine? Besides a couple minor questions, this is one of the best CDM stories I've ever read.
Picture Use(9/10):
Girls Riding(9/10): Near beginning scene with main characters. Established parts of personalities and relationship, which is used later. Well explained.
Yarn Woman(10/10!): Main characters in pivotal scene. Despite not liking 'illusion'-type references to pictures, the shape-shifting was well built into the plot. The scene was extensively used and tied the beginning part of the story into the end part. Perfectly integrated, excellent extrapolation, fine details. Groovy!
Animal Skull(8/10): Ending/(Beginning) scene. Used to tie the end to the beginning, which I like. Led up to and explained in the story. The yellow part look like steel girders to me, as opposed to a building, and one of the few little things I didn't like was her tying the skull up at some guys place instead of near her home.
Total: 1/2(9) + 9 + 9 = 4.5 + 9 + 9 = 22.5/25 Outstanding!
Comments - Combined:
EP's story was one of the best I read this round. It was full of action, included a standard group of adventurers, combined multiple themes without losing its primary genre (western) and was interesting besides. There were a few loose ends and a couple minor issues with picture use, but all-in-all, a great story to read and enjoy. Avatar V's story was simply outstanding. A bit less adventure, but the characters were realistic and compelling, the emotions were heartfelt and raw, picture use was what I look for in CDM, and the story really came to life. I cannot find much fault wth EP's, but I give my vote to Avatar V for the all-round excellence.
[/sblock]
