Feel the PAIN! Feel the DESPAIR!!

[Assenpfeffer]

Rackhir, that's a great story! I'll have to remember it.

Yeah, but it's probably not true.

I give Keanu Reeves some credit. Everybody knows he doesn't have much acting talent beyond a rather limited range (The Matrix is within this range.) But he has, pretty consistently, tried to stretch his abilities. He has almost always failed, it's true, but you can't fault him for the effort. He's also universally considered a decent guy in Hollywood, and is almost universally liked by people he's worked with. So I'm willing to cut him some slack.

That said, this Hellblazer thing is almost certainly going to suck. A lot.

 

[Crothian]

A parody of "Piano Man" by Billy Joel, about Keanu Reeves.
Parody lyrics by "the great Luke Ski"
© Luke Sienkowski, 2000 - 2003


(We hear members of the All-Keanu Choir talking to each other)

It's three o'clock on a Saturday.
The matinee show up ahead.
I was a young boy sitting in a movie theater,
Seeing a film about Bill and Ted.

TED: Iron Maiden?
BILL & TED: EXCELLENT!

They said, wow, the adventure was excellent,
And the sequel soon showed at the mall.
Found out later the fact was that one of the actors
Was not even acting at all.

ALL-KEANU CHOIR: Dude dude dude, dude dude dude…
Dude dude, dude dude dude dude dude…

Act in a film, you're the Keanu man,
And you'll be a big movie star,
Just as long as you're playing a brain-dead valley boy,
Cause that's exactly what you are.

KEANU: Hello. I am Keanu Reeves. I am a movie actor. All the ladies seem to think I'm cute. Some of the men do too. But I am not gay. I am Keanu Reeves. And I'm cute. Give me a dollar.

Now Hollywood saw he was handsome,
And the girls all wish they were his wife,
So they signed him up quickly for flick after flick
Though he couldn't act to save his life.

KEANU: Pop Quiz? Okay, I'll take Pepsi!

Yes, in "Speed" he was a hot shot detective.
A coincidence there through and through,
Cause while fifty was the speed that the bus traveled at,
It turns out it's also his I.Q..

ALL-KEANU CHOIR: Yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah…
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah…

Act in a film, you're the Keanu man,
Act as if you actually can.
You showed "Dracula" just how damn dumb you are when
You said, "Dude, you're pale, go get a tan!"

KEANU: I have a band now. It's called "Dog Star". Here's a hit song! "I love you dude, dude, dude! I love you dude, dude, dude! I love you dude, dude, dude!" We're pretty good huh?

In "Devil's Advocate" you tried to act southernly.
Al Pacino laughed right in your face.
And in "Johnny Mnemonic", you were so moronic,
With your head filled up with cyber-space.

KEANU: I know Hong Kong Phooey!

Now Keanu makes films like "The Matrix",
And the movies make millions of bucks.
Packed in the cineplex, they watch special effects,
While they all say his acting still sucks.

ALL-KEANU CHOIR: Whoa whoa whoa, whoa whoa whoa… Whoa!
Whoa whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa…

Act in a film, you're the Keanu man,
Your redemption's so simple you see.
Just call up your old friend Alex Winter and then
Go and start filming "Bill and Ted, Three"!

BILL & TED: EXCELLENT!
TED: Bill, I can't believe we're starring in "Bill and Ted Go to Mars"!
BILL: Yes, it promises to be a most triumphant film!
TED: Let's start our big interstellar concert!
BILL: I am Bill S. Preston Esquire!
TED: And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan!
BILL: And we are,
BILL & TED: WYLD STALLYNS! (guitar sounds)

Parody lyrics by 'the great Luke Ski', © Luke Sienkowski, 2000 - 2003
From the CD "Uber Geek" by 'the great Luke Ski', which can be purchased at www.LukeSki.com.

 

[Viking Bastard]

Oh, don't worry about the british accent. The movie
Constantine won't be a brit, but a yank, a detective
to boot.

"[It's] his anger. He's angry, but he's got a good heart," Reeves said recently of the comic book badass, whose real name is John Constantine.

Ugh!

 

[Villano]

To quote Dr. Smith, "Oh, the pain. The pain of it all."

 

[Umbran]

Why? Hollywood logic.

Yes, well, in this case, Hollywood logic might make some sense.

You see, John Constantine isn't the Hulk, or Spiderman, or Wolverine. He has fans, but probably not enough fans to pull the weight of a full-budget film. So, they want to try to make the film accessible to the wider audience, the ones who actually make it profitable. The majority of that audience is American, and will probably identify more with a yank hero than a brit.

Sorry, oh purists, but it's a fact of life you'll have to learn to deal with.

 

[Welverin]

But does it really matter? What if they just didn't bother to mention his nationality and gave him a British accent, would the majority of the US population notice? If they did would they care?

After all it's not like British accents haven't been used before.

 

[Umbran]

But does it really matter?

We aren't the professionals. We don't have the market research to answer that question. I'll note, though, that on multi-million dollar ventures, a difference of a couple fo percent can mean tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars of revenue.

Consider the difference to the viewing public of having a hot property like Keaneau vs having a brit nobody's heard of. The question isn't so much "to brit or not to brit?" as it is "have a recognizable face or not?"

 

[TiQuinn]

Yes, well, in this case, Hollywood logic might make some sense.

You see, John Constantine isn't the Hulk, or Spiderman, or Wolverine. He has fans, but probably not enough fans to pull the weight of a full-budget film. So, they want to try to make the film accessible to the wider audience, the ones who actually make it profitable. The majority of that audience is American, and will probably identify more with a yank hero than a brit.

Sorry, oh purists, but it's a fact of life you'll have to learn to deal with.

Yes, because making a character British makes them inaccessible to American audiences.

Has somebody told United Artists and Barbara Broccoli?