Argent Silvermage
First Post
Why are Devils Lawful Evil?
Posession IS 9/10ths of the law.
Posession IS 9/10ths of the law.
I need bad D&D jokes! (my players stay out)
KDLadage
Explorer
From the list of famous last lines of adventurers:
From the list of interesting meta-game jokes:
- "Dragon? What dragon?"
- "And the name of the demon is..."
- "I wish you had never been born!" (while holding the strange, unidentified ring...)
From the list of interesting meta-game jokes:
- An adventuring party is camped for the evening. It is the third watch, and the Paladin is standing guard. Suddenly, the Barbarian jumps up from his bedroll and begins screaming! His body is writhing in pain as muscles are bulging, and his appearace shifts from its gruff, human look to a more primal half-orcish. Beside him, in his pack, equipment seems to disappear with replacement gear appearing almost as quickly. After three agonizing minutes of sheer pain and discomfort, the Barbarian slumps over, crawls slowly back to his bedroll and tries to go back to sleep. The Paladin looks puzzled at his friend, realizing that his friend looks different somehow. He looks over the the Mage and asks, "What happened?" The mage looks back to his friend as replies, "It would appear that this campaign is being converted to the 3rd Edition Rules..."
Noldor Elf
First Post
Group of adventurers, an elf, a human and a dwarf has been taken prisoners and punished by whipping, 20 strokes each.
The torturer asks what the victim wants to his back before whipping.
First is human. "I take water", he states. Some water is poured onto the mans back and twenty strokes are hitted.
The elf is second. Proydly he states: "I take the oil" and some oil is poured on his back before strokes are hitted.
The dwarf is last. With loud voice he announces: "I take the elf"
---------------------------
What is called 200 dead elves at the bottom of the sea?
- Good start.
--------------------------
How many elves do you need to build a roof?
- It depends on how thin you slice them.
The torturer asks what the victim wants to his back before whipping.
First is human. "I take water", he states. Some water is poured onto the mans back and twenty strokes are hitted.
The elf is second. Proydly he states: "I take the oil" and some oil is poured on his back before strokes are hitted.
The dwarf is last. With loud voice he announces: "I take the elf"
---------------------------
What is called 200 dead elves at the bottom of the sea?
- Good start.
--------------------------
How many elves do you need to build a roof?
- It depends on how thin you slice them.
orbitalfreak
First Post
jasper said:
ROFLOL!Klaatu B. Nikto
First Post
I'm surprised no one's mentioned stuff from the Ravenloft adventure "Death's Cold Laughter". Great, now I can't remember the name of the book it was in but I do remember a couple of the jokes.
Q: How do you create an Improved Fireball spell?
A: Feed an orc some beans.
----
Q: Why do elves have pointy ears?
A: There's got to be some point to elves.
There was more but I just can't remember 'em anymore. Believe me, they were BAD jokes.
Klaatu
Q: How do you create an Improved Fireball spell?
A: Feed an orc some beans.
----
Q: Why do elves have pointy ears?
A: There's got to be some point to elves.
There was more but I just can't remember 'em anymore. Believe me, they were BAD jokes.
Klaatu
After a long and fruitful adventuring career, Jozan decided to retire to the countryside, and bought himself a beautiful white horse to go riding. However, as a loyal servant of Pelor, he felt that the normal commands of "Giddyap" and "Whoa" were too pedestrian, so he trained the horse to go when he said "Praise Pelor!", and stop when he said "Amen".
One day Regdar came over to visit Jozan at his country estate. After reminescing for several hours about their adventures, Regdar asked if he could go for a ride. Jozan said "Of course, my friend, but there is something you must know about this horse before you go." Regdar replied "Bah, what's to know? I've ridden hundreds of horses." and without another word, he leaped into the saddle and kicked the horse in the ribs, sending it into a gallop.
Regdar had a very pleasant ride over the rolling hills and woodlands, and wasn't paying very close attention to what was going on around him. After a time, he noticed that the horse was headed straight for a 1000 foot cliff, and that the reins had slipped down until they were just out of his reach.
Not too worried yet, Regdar cried out "Whoa!", but the horse kept going full tilt. He tried shouting all the other commands he could think of, with equally little effect.
Finally, seeing no way he could avoid death, he began to pray, "Pelor, I know I haven't been a very devout follower, but I promise that if you get me out of this, I'll go to the temple every Godsday, and donate lots of gold to you, only let me survive somehow. Amen." With the last word, the horse skidded to a stop on the brink of the precipice.
Looking up at the sun with tears forming in his eyes, Regdar cried out "I have been saved! It's a miracle! Praise Pelor!"
One day Regdar came over to visit Jozan at his country estate. After reminescing for several hours about their adventures, Regdar asked if he could go for a ride. Jozan said "Of course, my friend, but there is something you must know about this horse before you go." Regdar replied "Bah, what's to know? I've ridden hundreds of horses." and without another word, he leaped into the saddle and kicked the horse in the ribs, sending it into a gallop.
Regdar had a very pleasant ride over the rolling hills and woodlands, and wasn't paying very close attention to what was going on around him. After a time, he noticed that the horse was headed straight for a 1000 foot cliff, and that the reins had slipped down until they were just out of his reach.
Not too worried yet, Regdar cried out "Whoa!", but the horse kept going full tilt. He tried shouting all the other commands he could think of, with equally little effect.
Finally, seeing no way he could avoid death, he began to pray, "Pelor, I know I haven't been a very devout follower, but I promise that if you get me out of this, I'll go to the temple every Godsday, and donate lots of gold to you, only let me survive somehow. Amen." With the last word, the horse skidded to a stop on the brink of the precipice.
Looking up at the sun with tears forming in his eyes, Regdar cried out "I have been saved! It's a miracle! Praise Pelor!"
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William Ronald
Explorer
Here are a few more. Some are quite bad. (Insert home campaign references where appropriate.):
Did you here about the illithid who went on a diet? He would only eat the brains of politicians.
If you combined a Chosen of Mystra with a Chime of Hunger what wou get? Elmuncher.
Please, if he drank anymore wine, he would be known as Regdar the Grape
About a rogue or other thieving character: Heck, the only thing he hasn't taken is a bath.
From Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome: He can beat most men with his breath.
He is such a lousy thief they call him the pillage idiot.
Let's just say that in a battle of wits he counts as an unarmed opponent.
Well, we could use a battering ram or your head. Not that there is much of a difference.
Is he a good bard? Well, let's just say that banshees complain about his singing.
He comes from a small town outside Stoink called Stink.
Did you here about the illithid who went on a diet? He would only eat the brains of politicians.
If you combined a Chosen of Mystra with a Chime of Hunger what wou get? Elmuncher.
Please, if he drank anymore wine, he would be known as Regdar the Grape
About a rogue or other thieving character: Heck, the only thing he hasn't taken is a bath.
From Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome: He can beat most men with his breath.
He is such a lousy thief they call him the pillage idiot.
Let's just say that in a battle of wits he counts as an unarmed opponent.
Well, we could use a battering ram or your head. Not that there is much of a difference.
Is he a good bard? Well, let's just say that banshees complain about his singing.
He comes from a small town outside Stoink called Stink.
Zander
Explorer
What's the difference between an onion and an elf?
You cry when you cut an onion.
~~~
How many halflings does it take to change a light bulb (or kindle a chandelier)?
Six. It's over their heads.
~~~
What do you call 100 orcs in a lava flow?
A good start.
~~~
What do you call a dozen halflings in a fire?
Lunch.
~~~
What do you call a gargantuan monster that with 3 heads, 6 arms and 30 levels in fighter & wizard?
Sir.
~~~
Why do wizards wear pointy hats even though they have round heads, and elves wear round ear-muffs even though they have pointy ears?
~~~
Why do hobbits have hairy feet?
Because they don't shave them.
~~~
Why can't ettins make decisions?
Because they're in two minds.
~~~
Star Wars joke:
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
~~~
Joke about gamers:
Jim, Al, Rob and Jerry, four middle-aged gamers, are in the middle of a D&D combat when a funeral cortege passes the building they're playing in. Just as he's about to throw his d20, Al notices the procession through the window. He stands up, removes his baseball cap, bows his head and shuts his eyes. After a brief moment of silent contemplation he returns to the game and rolls his d20.
"Gee," says Rob "I didn't know you were spiritual."
"Well," shrugs Al "we were married for 20 years."
You cry when you cut an onion.
~~~
How many halflings does it take to change a light bulb (or kindle a chandelier)?
Six. It's over their heads.
~~~
What do you call 100 orcs in a lava flow?
A good start.
~~~
What do you call a dozen halflings in a fire?
Lunch.
~~~
What do you call a gargantuan monster that with 3 heads, 6 arms and 30 levels in fighter & wizard?
Sir.
~~~
Why do wizards wear pointy hats even though they have round heads, and elves wear round ear-muffs even though they have pointy ears?
~~~
Why do hobbits have hairy feet?
Because they don't shave them.
~~~
Why can't ettins make decisions?
Because they're in two minds.
~~~
Star Wars joke:
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
~~~
Joke about gamers:
Jim, Al, Rob and Jerry, four middle-aged gamers, are in the middle of a D&D combat when a funeral cortege passes the building they're playing in. Just as he's about to throw his d20, Al notices the procession through the window. He stands up, removes his baseball cap, bows his head and shuts his eyes. After a brief moment of silent contemplation he returns to the game and rolls his d20.
"Gee," says Rob "I didn't know you were spiritual."
"Well," shrugs Al "we were married for 20 years."
Magius del Cotto
First Post
Based on events that happened in my old gaming group:
How do you kill a thief? Give him a draught of Fire Breath and point him toward a small room full of trolls.
How can you tell a thief is in trouble while he's scouting ahead? He comes back.
What's the difference between Rock and Mud? Ask the elves that are stuck in the Rock. (Rock to mud and mud to rock combo to keep some elves from commiting suicide)
What happens when an irresistible force hits an unbreakable window? Oh, the walls come a-tumbling down.
How do you kill a thief that's immune to fire? Put him in a cold room.
What's a dwarven battlerager's most fearsome attack? His hug.
What's the difference between a dwarven battlerager and an orc? Getting hugged by an orc hurts a whole lot less.
How do dwarven Battleragers close with the enemy? Through the air, of course.
What has straight horns and a body covered in spikes? A dwarven battlerager that's been thrown into a wooden palisade.
What does a mage have to do with a dwarven Battlerager? As little as possible, if he can at all help it.
From my own twisted mind:
How do you kill a wizard? Have him cast a fireball into a 10x10 room.
What do orcs and Dwarven Battleragers see in each other? Intellectual equals.
If you think these are any good, feel free to put them wherever.
How do you kill a thief? Give him a draught of Fire Breath and point him toward a small room full of trolls.
How can you tell a thief is in trouble while he's scouting ahead? He comes back.
What's the difference between Rock and Mud? Ask the elves that are stuck in the Rock. (Rock to mud and mud to rock combo to keep some elves from commiting suicide)
What happens when an irresistible force hits an unbreakable window? Oh, the walls come a-tumbling down.
How do you kill a thief that's immune to fire? Put him in a cold room.
What's a dwarven battlerager's most fearsome attack? His hug.
What's the difference between a dwarven battlerager and an orc? Getting hugged by an orc hurts a whole lot less.
How do dwarven Battleragers close with the enemy? Through the air, of course.
What has straight horns and a body covered in spikes? A dwarven battlerager that's been thrown into a wooden palisade.
What does a mage have to do with a dwarven Battlerager? As little as possible, if he can at all help it.
From my own twisted mind:
How do you kill a wizard? Have him cast a fireball into a 10x10 room.
What do orcs and Dwarven Battleragers see in each other? Intellectual equals.
If you think these are any good, feel free to put them wherever.
Last edited:
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