I'm an unreliable player, HELP!

[saskganesh]

I think you should honour your commitments, whatever they may be. It may be that you'll have to figure out which commitments take precedence.

In a game context, most games are OK with players missing sessions. Life happens. However, if its an ongoing pattern, especially last minute cancellations, it's very frustrating to other people . At it's worst, this kind of behavior actually kills games. Consider where you would be at if that went down.

In the end, you'll have to learn how to make choices.

 

[AeroDm]

In my experience, people miss sessions for one of two reasons. The first reason is that something really did just come up. These are things like a kid getting sick, having concert tickets fall into your lap at the last minute, or a family emergency. No one really gets upset when these sort of things happen and the player isn't considered unreliable. They also don't happen all that often so they are no big deal.

The second reason is that gaming isn't that high a priority for the person and in the normal course of life you see opportunities. If gaming is a low priority, you take those opportunities. These are the folks who miss a substantial portion of sessions and often very sincerely issue apologies. The truth, though, is that something didn't just come up. For these people, they make a session when nothing comes up. There's a difference.

If you feel like you might be in this second group, the best thing you can do is make a decision. If you want to keep gaming, then make gaming a priority. If something 'comes up,' recognize that your attendance impacts other people. Yes, you might enjoy going bowling with friends, but you have other friends that would enjoy gaming with you. You made a commitment to your gaming friends, so keep it and try to convince your bowling friends to go tomorrow. If you aren't willing to make that commitment, then tell your gaming group that you'll attend when you can. That way the GM can give you a less critical role in the campaign and other people can plan to not make their fun contingent on your presence.

 

[Water Bob]

I'm often unreliable, in the sense that something always seems to turn up at the last minute that draws me away from our current regular game. (It's happened before as well.)

Given that the reasons for this unreliability are unlikely to go away, and I want to keep roleplaying when I can, how can I lessen the burden on my group, other players and GM alike?

You're not making the game important enough in your life. It's secondary to your other interests and demands on your time. And, you're not respecting the time put in by your DM and fellow players.

If you couldn't play at all would you make sure you made every game?

Part of this is because your DM will let you act that way.



I have a standing rule I enacted decades ago and still use to this day. When I'm running a game, everyone shows up or no one plays.

If you knew that none of your fellow players or DM would not play, would you still disregard the agreed upon game time as lightly?

When I set up a game session, I'm flexible. Everybody is an adult with families and careers and children and lots of demands on their time. When we finally find a time to play, and everyone agrees, we write that time down in stone. Rarely do we change it after it is agreed. Because, again, if one of us doesn't show up, no the game doesn't happen.

With that rule in place, I find that the players are quite respectful of the game time and do everything possible to make the game. As I said, it's a very rare occurence that I've got to change the game date once it is set.

I've never had a player who didn't respect the rule, but if I did, he wouldn't be playing with us as soon as it was evident we weren't playing often and changing games because of him.

 

[Elf Witch]

I really have an issue with people who miss a lot of games because of other entertainment commitments. Other stuff like work, family illness, stuff like that I am very understanding of.

If you are missing a lot of games because it is a low priority then you really need to look and see if you still want to play.


One thing you should so if you are going to miss sessions is make sure your DM has an up to date copy of your character sheet so he or someone else can run your character if needed.

 

[S'mon]

The second reason is that gaming isn't that high a priority for the person and in the normal course of life you see opportunities. If gaming is a low priority, you take those opportunities. These are the folks who miss a substantial portion of sessions and often very sincerely issue apologies. The truth, though, is that something didn't just come up. For these people, they make a session when nothing comes up. There's a difference.

What gets me is that some of these people think they can GM this way! It gets very annoying when the GM cancels for the umpteenth time because something better came up.

 

[Greylond]

Long time ago in an AD&D game we had a guy like this. He only wanted to show up every once in a while. Our solution was that he made up a straight Fighter who was effectively a NPC. The player would show up and he played his character and when he wasn't there, the Fighter just tagged along and did what we told him do. We switched off on who actually rolled his dice. We kept him in the group as one of the shield wall/mainline combatants and we gave him magic items that we found that we thought were good for his character, unless someone else could get a better benefit out of it. It was 1st Edition AD&D and by the time we were 9th level he ended up with a Frost Brand and a Flame Tongue(longswords both). His character was never involved in a main subplot, he was just along to help out the party.

It works, as long as the whole group is ready for it and you setup the group from the beginning.

 

[Nellisir]

Long time ago in an AD&D game we had a guy like this. He only wanted to show up every once in a while. Our solution was that he made up a straight Fighter who was effectively a NPC. The player would show up and he played his character and when he wasn't there, the Fighter just tagged along and did what we told him do. We switched off on who actually rolled his dice. We kept him in the group as one of the shield wall/mainline combatants and we gave him magic items that we found that we thought were good for his character, unless someone else could get a better benefit out of it. It was 1st Edition AD&D and by the time we were 9th level he ended up with a Frost Brand and a Flame Tongue(longswords both). His character was never involved in a main subplot, he was just along to help out the party.

I actually played a cleric like that. It was a Saturday afternoon 3e game at the local comic shop, intentionally set up as a "drop-in" kind of game. I ended up naming the cleric "Amedi Vak".

 

[Wik]

There are two sides to this.

Now, some people are saying "you aren't making gaming important enough", and they are absolutely right. But there's really nothing wrong with this - gaming doesn't have to be the be all and end-all.

In my friday night game, I said going in "I'm probably going to miss a fair amount of games - if I'm scheduled for a late night shift, I won't show up, and if a concert comes up I want to see, it gets precedence". That being said, I always try to give at least two days' notice (though this hasn't always been the case).

Really, the only problem is when you consistently don't show, or give notice at the last minute. The worst is when you don't show, and don't give any warning, because the group will find itself waiting for you, eating up their time - and that's just annoying, whether it's gaming or something else.

Upthread, someone mentioned bringing chocolates to the games you do make. I think that's excellent advice - do something to endear yourself to the players. Give them warning as far in advance as to why you can't make it, and be honest as to why... even if that reason is just "I want to stay at home and watch a movie with my girlfriend". Don't get ticked off if something bad happens to your character while you're away, and try to play a non-essential character role (a striker in 4e, a bard in 3e, etc).

And be honest going into the game that this is something you'll frequently do. In short, turn your absences into a positive - by making the times you do show up make up for the times you don't.

 

[Al'Kelhar]

In my experience, people miss sessions for one of two reasons. The first reason is that something really did just come up. These are things like a kid getting sick, having concert tickets fall into your lap at the last minute, or a family emergency. No one really gets upset when these sort of things happen and the player isn't considered unreliable. They also don't happen all that often so they are no big deal.

The second reason is that gaming isn't that high a priority for the person and in the normal course of life you see opportunities. If gaming is a low priority, you take those opportunities. These are the folks who miss a substantial portion of sessions and often very sincerely issue apologies. The truth, though, is that something didn't just come up. For these people, they make a session when nothing comes up. There's a difference.

If you feel like you might be in this second group, the best thing you can do is make a decision. If you want to keep gaming, then make gaming a priority. If something 'comes up,' recognize that your attendance impacts other people. Yes, you might enjoy going bowling with friends, but you have other friends that would enjoy gaming with you. You made a commitment to your gaming friends, so keep it and try to convince your bowling friends to go tomorrow. If you aren't willing to make that commitment, then tell your gaming group that you'll attend when you can. That way the GM can give you a less critical role in the campaign and other people can plan to not make their fun contingent on your presence.

Yup, this.

It's the age-old division between the hard-core hobbyists in a given field, and those with a passing but not all-consuming interest.

If you think you might be in the second category, try to find a group with like-minded people. IME, most groups will be inhabited by people exclusively in the first category (I'm one of 'em), and they tend not to be that accepting of people in the second category (who might be perceived in the same way as "fair-weather friends"). But as you can see from some of the responses on this board, there are groups and GMs that don't mind, and even plan their gaming on this basis.

Good luck!

Cheers, Al'Kelhar

 

[S'mon]

In my friday night game, I said going in "I'm probably going to miss a fair amount of games - if I'm scheduled for a late night shift, I won't show up, and if a concert comes up I want to see, it gets precedence"...

...Give them warning as far in advance as to why you can't make it, and be honest as to why... even if that reason is just "I want to stay at home and watch a movie with my girlfriend".

At the point where you're cancelling to watch a movie, far better IMO to be absent by default, and if you do want to play then contact the GM at least 2 days in advance to ask if you can drop in for that session. And don't then cancel!