Let's Write a Bad Module

[Turanil]

Encounter 52 - Princess' Head Bis

This is a totally optional encounter that takes place only if the PCs go back to room with white coffin (which is probably not there anymore), see encounter #50.

So if the PCs go back here and search under the bed, they find a globe exactly like the one in room #49, except this is the real princess' head. Note that for sake of coherence that this globe was previously not there, and was later hidden under the bed by a wandering monster. Otherwise, the PCs are just plain stupid to not have searched under the bed in the first place.

There is no way to tell which of the two globes contain the real princess' head, which are otherwise identical. If the PCs try to determine randomly which it is the true one, the first globe has 50% to be the good one, bu the other has only 37% of being the wrong one. In any case, if you have now the false princess alive (see encounter 51) she will try to destroy that globe found under the bed. THIS IS A CLUE!! Cut the false princess' head and replace it by this one. Once cut, the false princess' head turns into a Vargouille that is not friendly. She attacks on sight (and has eyes in her sockets too!!!!).

Side note: once you put the right head on the body, everybody is teleported into Gomezatron's room, INCLUDING the vargouille! If it happens, the Vargouille immediately attacks Gomezatron. Everything else is up to the PCs (i.e.: if they try to kill the true princess, a 7th level bard, they are free to do so; if they do so the vargouille kills Gomazetron who has been shocked by the PCs' evil action, then returns to the body and once again becomes the charming false princess she was before).

 

[Paragon Kobold]

Encounter 53



This small side room is currently the lair of a group of orcs. Roll 1d6 for the number of orcs,
if the die comes up 6, roll 1d8 and add that number of orcs. If the d8 comes up 8 add 1d4
orcs. If this die comes up 4 do not add any more orcs, but have them be led by a half-orc
3. level Hexblade-Psion. (Remember to stat him up in advance!)

The room is pentagonal with each side being 55 feet long.

The Orcs are guarding a chest containing 5d6 Platinum Pieces, 6d4 electrum coins, and
1d12 potions of Cure Light Wounds.

 

[Turanil]

I decided to copypaste most of this thread and turn it into a nice PDF module available to everyone to download for free. Work is on the way. Note however that I haven't respected the thread, instead altering and mixing the various posts to suit my whims. I will then draws some maps, add black and white pics (some of them shamelessly scanned here and there), and will do a nice layout using the latest software available. It should look great in the end. However, there will be no credit except than a "Collective Work Written by the ENworld Community". Those who don't want their posts being included / altered into this PDF please tell me so (and tell me which post it is).

 

[Wystan]

I very much look forward to handing this module to my DM to run....

Or maybe I will try to run it....

 

[Insight]

Paizo should publish this in the April Fools Day issue of Dungeon.

 

[kenobi65]

and will do a nice layout using the latest software available. It should look great in the end.

I dunno, Turanil. Somehow, I think this one is meant to look like bantha poodoo. Typsetting straight out of 1980, crooked paragraphs, missing lines, missing or inaccurate punctuation, etc.

 

[StupidSmurf]

Harrow Hot Hall of High Heat

Place this hallway as any sort of connection between two encounters. Read the words in quotes to the players. Don't read the words out of quotes to the players. Don't let the players see this module. Don't let the players see your bank card password or your social security number. Sit up straight. Don't fidget. Don't mumble when you talk (unless you're relaying crucial descriptive information to players).

"As the soles of your adventurers' footgear slaps down on the hard basalt floor with a sickening thud, you cannot help but notice how hot it is in this hallway. Man, is it hot. We're talking Africa-kind of hot here. Grimly, you decide to keep going, which is a good thing, considering you're only about, oh, one foot into the hallway as it is.

"You trudge down the hallway, the oppressive heat oppressing you hotly, weighing down on you, suffocating you like a gigantic sweaty fat person sitting on your head. You raise your head, beads of sweat dripping off your face like greased pigs sliding down the noses of the presidents depicted on Mount Rushmore. Your vision is blurry from the heat, but you squint and grunt, and finally you can make out the fact that the hallway extends 60 heat-filled feet.

"Unfortunately, all of the squinting and grunting also made you wet your pants (-2 to group honor). But you can hardly notice it, for your clothes are absolutely water-logged from all of the sweat poring out of every pour in, on, and around your heat-ravaged body.

"Did I happen to mention that it's hot?

"Anyways, all of that sweat cascades down your sweat-slicked body and collects in your shoes, so that it feels like you're walking in large buckets of warm salty water, like Chicken Noodle soup, only without the chicken. Or noodles. The only sounds you hear as you trek hotly down this hot corridor is the 'goosh-goosh-goosh' squishy sound of your feet in your sweat-logged boots. You hear no other noise.

"You suddenly hear another noise....a hair-raising, blood-curdling, spine-tingling, pancreas-twisting death howl, sounding for all the world like the death cries of a wounded dirigible, desperately protecting its young."

"Halfway down the corridor you turn that huge, bloated, sweat-producing watermelon-like thing you call your head, turning it towards the gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, colon-ravaging screams. Your sweat-stung eyes, which are with you in this hot corridor of great heat, go wide with terror at the terrifying sight that your sight sights.

"You see a flabby middle-aged woman with her hair in curlers. She's wearing a sweat-stained pink mumu. She's sitting in a wicker chair, which creaks, groans and mutters at its sweaty burden. She's barefoot, and her ugly feet have more corns than Iowa. The woman's fanning herself, sending nauseating waves of flabby middle-aged woman B.O. at your disbelieving nose, which seems ready to walk off your face and seek someplace less foul, like an otyugh's outhouse, or Newark New Jersey at low tide. She looks up at you (the woman, not the otyugh) with her fat eyes and says 'Oy, can you believe this heat? It's hot here, I tell you. My son was supposed to come over and install air conditioning. He's a doctor, you know. This heat! Such heat! I'm verklempt, talk amongst yourselves!"

"You take your leave of the woman as your heat-assailed body continues onward, ever onward, like some big sweaty ever-onward-moving thing. Finally, just when the hot heat has beaten you down like a child's hammer in a whack-a-mole game, and you think you simply can't go on, and you wish you were in Hell since it's clearly cooler there than here, just when you're ready to throw in the towel, kick the bucket, sell the farm, give up the ghost, eviscerate the ferret, your heat-delirium eyes see a door, a portal, a way out, a means of salvation.

"The door is the Wizard locked at 30th level, and has a lead sheet in its middle. But that doesn't stop you from feeling that there's air-conditioning beyond the door. Good luck."

 

[Imperialus]

20- A small gnome clutching a golden idol runs by, pursued by 34 hand crossbow-wielding kobolds, each wearing an armband with a crooked cross on it. As the gnome dashes by, he winks at you and gives you a “Thumbs up” signal.

*spits coke across monitor* that are all shouting "MINE LIBAN! MINE LIBAN!" classic.

 

[StupidSmurf]

*spits coke across monitor* that are all shouting "MINE LIBAN! MINE LIBAN!" classic.

Bwahaha...couldn't resist!

 

[Turanil]

I dunno, Turanil. Somehow, I think this one is meant to look like bantha poodoo. Typsetting straight out of 1980, crooked paragraphs, missing lines, missing or inaccurate punctuation, etc.

So I won't waste time proofreading for typos. And the layout won't be so nice anyway.