Places to pour out your worries?

[Dragonbait]

Don't cry on a friend's shoulder, go to your SO for that, avoid your parents, siblings, no one wants to hear it- "life is tough, get over it and move on; I don't care." Lesson learned through some trials of relationships.

Those are just my experinces, you might have better relationships.

Unfortunately true. My friends will tolerate my problems for about 3 minutes, then either the TV goes on, or the subject is changed. On the other hand, they will prattle on and on and on, and I pretend to be Dr.Phil and give out half-assed pieces of advice that I probably heard from a radio show (Lykus, Stern, Dr. Drew, what have you).
Now the real problem is - No S.O. But boy, once I trick a dame into liking me, oh boy is she in for one helluva talkin'!

 

[Wystan]

Okay, here is my 2 cents, due to inflation, you now owe me a nickel....

1. I am 32, overweight, in possession of a house that I owe a LOT of money on (welcome to NJ where the small small small houses are 300-400K)
2. I make less than my friends, give more away to charity, and have more debt hanging over me
3. I never went to college, couldn't afford it at the time
4. I am married, my wife also never went to college, couldn't afford it or the time.
5. I have worked a bunch of dead end jobs, then moved on to a help desk, now I work with Information Security. I have no degree so little job security if they feel they need a piece of paper to show competance.

Now the good news:

1. I am healthy, (except one disease that has no known cause or cure), my wife works and gets paid pretty well, (but the debt is still there). But we realize that money only buys things, it does not teach us to be happy with what we have.
2. I have a loving wife and great friends.
3. I get $120 a month allowance (not including 4-5 books a month (reading books, not RPG))
4. My answer to stress? Prayer (when I remember), friends, laughing.

You need to learn that there are some things that you have to do every week and some that can be left for every other/every third week. Sweeping - Every week, dusting - Every 2, dishes - daily, ect.

Then you need to set aside a night to get together with friends and Play. RPG, Magic, Munchkin, B-Movie Night (Shaun of the Dead is good for this, as is Remo Williams), lan Party.... Etc....

If you live near Northern NJ my group gets together on Tuesday nights, send me an e-mail. william (that dot thing) wcurtiskpmg (that a in a circle thing) gmail (that dot thingie again) com. We game D&D most weeks, but some weeks are things like poker, pool....ect. (PS I am the youngest right now at 32... )

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

People have written some good advice and sympathy here. I'll offer up someting a bit different: It seems many of your problems lie in looking back at things and comparing yourself to others. As others have said, very normal things.

One thing I learned to help break myself from that cycle was to instead look forward. Set some goals for yourself, some near term, some long term and maybe even a far-reaching dream. The goals should be realistic and achievable - the sooner they are the the more realistic they should be. Then start making some plans to achieve those goals.

Some goal ideas:
You complain about your debt - find a way to take $10 per week (or whatever the price of a delivered pizza is, by some parts of your e-mail I assume you are outside the US) and save it. End of the year you have $520 in savings.

If you can swing it, find another $10 per week (or when you can) to put aside - earmark that money for use at the end of the year to get yourself something fun.

At your job - choose an aspect of what a Systems Engineer should be able to do that you are not very strong in. Learn all you can about that part of the job - books from the library, mentor at work, whatever you can. After you have a few years experience, nobody will care what your grades were in school or that you are a few years older than people with comparable skill. Job experience and competence is worth more then a degree with top honors.

I know you just graduated, but after you have had some time off, if your employer offers tuition reimbursement, take a single class in something to either improve your job skills or begin developing something new.

Get a resume written. The job you are in now sounds like they are working you hard - have a resume together so if you feel they have pushed too far, you don't have an easy excuse to avoid looking for something better.

Plan to ask for a raise. Did the switch to a Systems Engineer come with a raise? If not, plan to do the job for a set time frame (6 months or a year?) and then show them how you have been able to do the more demanding job successfully and ask them to compensate you for it.

Longer term goals can be a new car, advanced degree, maybe a house.

Good luck.

Edit: another thought - sounds like you may be working some odd hours. If they change a lot, and sleep seems to be an issue, maybe send a message to Piratecat. I know he does some kind of work around planning shift schedules and sleep patterns - he might be able to either offer some practical advice or direct you to resources to help you. Poor sleep can itself lead to physical stress, which can then affect sleep futher (and emotional state) in a terrible feedback loop.

 

[Chimera]

One thing I learned to help break myself from that cycle was to instead look forward. Set some goals for yourself, some near term, some long term and maybe even a far-reaching dream. The goals should be realistic and achievable - the sooner they are the the more realistic they should be. Then start making some plans to achieve those goals.

Preach it, Brother!

I spent a lot of time being afraid of all the time and work involved in the Martial Arts. Nearly twenty years went by before I got into a reasonable program.

How long does it take to get a Black Belt/Degree in Whatever/Save up N amount?

"But I'm NN years old!"

And how old will you be if you DON'T do it?

(Now, would you rather be NN+(4-6) years old and have that accomplished, or not accomplished?)

After you have a few years experience, nobody will care what your grades were in school or that you are a few years older than people with comparable skill. Job experience and competence is worth more then a degree with top honors.

Bingo! Very true. After a couple of years, no one gives a rat's butt if you went to Harvard or MIT. Unless you're in a very select field or a company full of people who are full of themselves.

 

[ssampier]

You have problems sure, but so does everyone. I'm not about give unsolicted advice, but we're here for you. Keep working and keep living.

All that is gold does not glitter
XXX Not all who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
XXX Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

I have always thought of myself as a "late bloomer"

I started college at 19
I graduated (with a Fine Arts Degree) at 24
I moved out of my parents house at 26
I worked at a number of dead-end retail jobs till I was 30
Got married at 32
Now I'm 37, and I still don't own a house, but at least I have a job I am happy with (most of the time).
At this rate I won't be able to "retire" till I'm in my 90's.
On the other hand I am not looking to "Die with the most toys"

So my advice is to hang in there, anything you learned from was not a waste.

Hey, your life sounds like mine, at least an abbreviated one. I am 25 right now. I graduated with a Sociology degree age 23 and 1/2. I live at home. I work part-time in tech support.

Do you need a protege?

 

[Treebore]

It sounds like your worrying yourself to death over nothing. All you can do is do your best. As long as you are doing your best you can be proud of yourself. Your peers got a head start on you, too bad, nothing you can do about it except learn and earn your own way.

It sucks that you have such shallow friends. I had them too. I got very sick and should have died, several times. Where were my friends? As far away as they could get. Most of my family was the same way. Fortunately I had one friend who stuck by my wife and I and helped me stay sane. I was very lucky that my wife was there for me 100% and never faltered for the several years I fought for my life. My kids helped me keep going too. Something about the hugs, kisses, and smiles of a two year old and a newborn give you strength you didn't even know was there.

So your friends are so bad you can't even talk to them about the general Bull huckey of life? That really sucks. Even the friends who abandoned me were good for that much.

Life is a learning and growing experience, until the day you die. Learn to grow and learn and enjoy doing it. Otherwise life is going to suck.

Like I said, do your job and live your life to the best of your ability. Learn what you need to learn and do what you need to do. Be reliable to your work and friends. Just because they are weak/pathetic doesn't give you the excuse to be the same way. You know better so you do better.

So as long as you do your best, learn to trust yourself, everything else will eventually fall in line. It is OK to have doubts. It is OK to feel sorry for yourself. It isn't OK when you use these things as excuses to not live your life to the best of your abilities. Doing that is when you become a shallow and pathetic loser.

So go live your life and strive to become better in all aspects of your life. That is all anyone should do and is ultimately all you can do.

 

[kibbitz]

Thanks for the advice, guys. I took time today to really step away from everything for a bit, and it really seems like I've been overreacting to my situation... still, I'll try to keep all of your words in mind and work on my outlook some more.

With regards to the advice from people I know, I've spoken before with my parents over some of the matters here. They're of the opinion that I'm still young and I don't need to worry, and that as long as I do my best, it's all good. However, I never did accept the bit about being young, and I used to feel that I've failed my parents somewhat, so I guess that bit of advice from them never did sink in...

Don't feel close enough to my colleagues to discuss this and didn't feel like taking it up with my boss. My friends, well... they're much better with material help and sympathy. None of them is really decent with advice for these kind of matters. This much I've gleaned from personal experience during my personal problems in my uni days...

Anyway, again, to all of you who have contributed your thoughts, thank you for reading and replying. And Wystan, I'm afraid I'm living in Singapore, and either way, I do end up working till quite late at times, so Tuesday nights are highly improbable Still, thanks a million for offering.

 

[Chimera]

The other suggestion I would have, after some thought, is Music Therapy.

If you listen to a lot of negative music, STOP. Yeah, yeah, some people think it doesn't make any difference, but if you're listening to a lot of hate or anger all day, you'd better believe that it sinks in.

If you're into it, I recommend;

The Middle - Jimmy Eat World
Your Life is Now - John Mellencamp
These Are Days - 10,000 Maniacs

Lots of other music and songs. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who actually listens to the WORDS. Try it. Then listen to things that are going to give you a boost, like the three songs I listed above.

 

[DerHauptman]

I'll be the one to say this...


You do have all the classic warning signs of depression. Especially, when you say that you are loosing sleep and do not get enjoyment out of the things you once did.

I got hurt in Afghanistan and went through a big bout of depression - seek competent professional help. Regardless of how trivial your problems seem to you or anyone else the - buck up and drive on line will not work if you are in depression.

So, hopefully you have some type of health care - if not find a low cost or subsidized provider.

Most will work with you if you need the care and don't have coverage. The provider in most cases will tell you exactly who to call or see to make sure you have the care and treat you before you get the subsidy knowing they can get it paid in arrears from the assisting agency.

It will not just go away. Med's may work, they didn't for me but everyone is different. Remember though your meds should be a short term solution. Don't tlet the doctor keep you on meds with no remarkable change for more than a couple months.

Anyway, a weakly gripe session with a social worker was all I really needed - got me back on track and ready to go back to work when I thought I'd have to just be retired, doing nothing and broke. They are impartial, fair and will help you get to the root of why you compare your situation to others. I felt the same way - why, me why now, etc.

DerHauptman-Out!

Disclaimer, my T key is broken so if I am missing any signifigant T's sorry!