So, Imagine your SO just told you they want to get pregnant

[Mage of Spellford]

Hi,

I actually lived through this exact situation. When my wife and I first got together she asked me if I wanted kids and I said "no". She had two kids from a previous marriage and at the time, I believed and wanted to concentrate on making sure they had the best life that I could give them.

Fast forward about 5 years later. The kids were in their late teens and my wife approached me with the very question. We discussed it and came to the mutual decision that we would try and have another child, but that we would leave it to fate (no ivf etc.) Two years later, after several false alarms our daughter was born.

I was 44 at the time and my wife was 43. It was definitely the right decision for us! Yes it was tiring, and it is even moreso now that my daughter is seven and I am pushing 52. I went through career changes during this time and started a business -- my wife's business took off. My other kids have left the house--one away at school and the other working. We sold a house in the 'burbs and bought a house right downtown.

My advice: Don't look for other people's opinions on something this important. Go with your own feelings, decide if you want a child and then go for it. There is nothing wrong with being realistic but know that no battle plan survives the first encounter. There will be unexpected twists and turns. But this is life.

MarkK

 

[sabrinathecat]

Yeah, this would be the first for both of us.
Still thinking that if anything the adoption plan would be better.
Or providing a place for an Amish kid during Ruhspringe.

 

[Nellisir]

I'm 40, pushing 41, my daughter is 7. There are ups and downs, yes. My wife is interested in another child, but we each have minor issues that make it unlikely at this point (she's 44, for one thing) and we're not at the best point financially. I'm also much more interested in adoption than she has been. (There are kids. That need homes. Now. Today. It's expensive, but so is fertility treatment.)

Look into foster care as well.

Kids are a scary big thing, but they're also awesome, and yes, they are your little minions. Whatever you like, they will think it is amazing and want to do it with you. And if you think the human race isn't worth continuing, well...this is literally your chance to make a better one.

(Also, getting pregnant/having kids at 35+ isn't as easy as media makes it out to be. It was 3 years before we had our daughter (fertility drugs were involved), and it's been 7 years since without so much as a blip.)

Edit: I forgot my wife just had a birthday.

 

[Mustrum_Ridcully]

I am not sure principal questions like "humanity isn't worth continuing" or something like that is relevant. Your decision will not majorly impact humanity's continuance. "Inflicting life on someone" is also a very nebelous concept - if you're worried about it, all life ends, so it's just a temporary thing and the kid will go back to non-existence soon enough.


What you need to ask yourself:
Has it a chance to enrich your life?
Will you and your SO make good parents?
Do you think the idea of seeing a little child grow up, learn to speak, becoming a person with own thoughts, ideas and wishes is compelling?
Can you manage it financially?
Will it take away something from your life that you value more than anything it could give you?

You won't have straight answers for all of it. ("What's a good parent anyway?" Maybe you should settle for "responsible" or "caring"...)

if you have strong doubts about it all, you may want to figure out more why your partner wants kids - maybe it isn't kids itself, but maybe she thinks a kid would help your relationship in a way you didn't think it would need helping. (But mabye she just thinks it could make something awesome even more awesome).

 

[Umbran]

. "Inflicting life on someone" is also a very nebelous concept - if you're worried about it, all life ends, so it's just a temporary thing and the kid will go back to non-existence soon enough.

Nebulous, but seeing as you're talking about a *person*, it is kind of an important question. If you think the world and the people in it suck, bringing a kid into the world to experience a "soon enough" that's actually seventy years of suck... probably not a great idea, now is it?

If you are not optimistic about the way the world will be 50 years from now, it is not irrational to not have kids.

 

[Kaodi]

The notion is complete bogus anyway. You have no options for not bringing people into the World. Other people will do it for you, and each persons actions are part of the causal chain which determine which people are born. Sentiment makes us feel that biological children have a special significance. And they do. But that significance is not a unique case of being caused by their parents and their parents alone.

 

[Umbran]

The notion is complete bogus anyway.

I don't agree.

You have no options for not bringing people into the World.

No, but I have a very specific responsibility to and for any that I, personally, bring into the world.

Say it is raining outside. Some folks out there have umbrellas, and some do not. Some folks will get wet, whether I like it or not. But, if I personally *take* your umbrella, I am responsible for you, in particular, getting wet. I have enabled your dampness through my action, and that others will also end up soggy doesn't make my action more acceptable.

 

[Mustrum_Ridcully]

I don't agree.



No, but I have a very specific responsibility to and for any that I, personally, bring into the world.

Say it is raining outside. Some folks out there have umbrellas, and some do not. Some folks will get wet, whether I like it or not. But, if I personally *take* your umbrella, I am responsible for you, in particular, getting wet. I have enabled your dampness through my action, and that others will also end up soggy doesn't make my action more acceptable.

I am not sure existence or non-existence can be compared to an umbrella. Would it be wrong to create a human because he would have to go through rain without an umbrella occassionally (or maybe even every time)? Is it raining all the time in this world construct we're talking about? Meh, analogies ,someone will always pick them apart.

Does sabrinathecat really think there is no way someone can have a happy life, or at least, it would be impossible for his child?

 

[Umbran]

I am not sure existence or non-existence can be compared to an umbrella.

The logic still holds - we are each responsible for conditions that come into existence through our knowing, willing actions. That others also take similar actions, or that the conditions will exist for others regardless of my action does not absolve me of responsibility for what I do.

 

[sabrinathecat]

I am not sure existence or non-existence can be compared to an umbrella. Would it be wrong to create a human because he would have to go through rain without an umbrella occassionally (or maybe even every time)? Is it raining all the time in this world construct we're talking about? Meh, analogies ,someone will always pick them apart.

Does sabrinathecat really think there is no way someone can have a happy life, or at least, it would be impossible for his child?

I think a raincoat would be a better choice of metaphore.
Impossible? no
Unlikely? yes