Spring Ceramic DM™: WINNER POSTED!
Piratecat
Sesquipedalian
Judgment of Match 1-3: Berandor vs. Drose25.
Maldur:
deserts, snakes and scary magics. But I do love Victorian speech so.
Drose25 get my vote!
Arwink:
Berandor – Desert Snakes
There’s a lot going on in this story, but throughout it all I kept searching for some sign of what was *really* going on. What, at the core of the story, is the driving force that kept the narrator going forward in the dangerous situations? There were several ideas offered – the need for revenge, a sense of duty or obligation, even the desire to see the world a safer place – but while there were physical challenges presented to the main character the driving force was never really dealt with. We don’t really know why the narrator is doing what he’s doing, so it’s hard to truly engage with his motivation and hope for his success – we don’t really know what we’re hoping will happen.
While Berandor has some really nice metaphor and descriptive passages in here, they also get washed over by the maze of information. We’re told a lot, but at the same time we aren’t given terribly powerful descriptions of the situation between Hydra and Tricolore. The level of detail is good for a game or a film script – largely because it will then be interacted with by a group of players or rendered visually for the watcher – but within the story inferential description is far more effective than something that gives a lot of detail.
By far the most powerful description in the story is that of the emaciated atlas, bereft of a burden, which has far more impact than trying to describe a withered body.
There’s a lot of good points to Berandor’s story, but I think it could stand for some judicious editing to cut down on its length and really trim up the language.
Drose 25 - The Ziggurat of Ghiyath al-Din
A really nice, pulp introduction that brings in some overtones of Indiana Jones and other great adventurers of the 1930’s – as well as some of the expected archetypes that accompany such stories. It maintains this feel well as they head towards the Ziggurat, building the characters together as a team and getting into the swing of the style and genre.
Where Drose lost me was with the change of gears towards a horror story – it happened quickly and without really building the tension inherent in the horror story. We don’t get the sense of mounting weirdness as you would in an adventure-horror story like the Mummy, and the deaths of the characters is seemingly random in its approach.
Another source of confusion was the lack of resolution – while I don’t demand that everyone survive a story like this, I like there to be some kind of reason for them all to die and some sense that a source of conflict has been resolved some how. The ending here seems to happen just as things are getting interesting – as though the entire story was really only the first part of a story and we now have two more acts as Parker and Clara struggle to overcome the Bride of the Ziggurat and save the world (etc etc). Instead, the ending is anti-climactic and leaves us hanging before the story is done.
The pacing here is disappointing, and I think the story needs more time to develop and pass through the various events depicted.
The Judgment
There’s an interesting contrast between the two tales, where I think Berandor’s needs to do less while Drose needs to do more to really bring his story to life. Both of these stories show some really promising elements, but also have some problems with the nature of their central narrative conflicts and the way things hold together.
I give this round to Drose, by the length of about a paragraph and a half, but he was very nearly taken by some very nice description in Berandor’s story.
Piratecat:
The beginning of Berandor’s story sets the stage nicely; the discussion of the dead agent and the manipulation used to get the protagonist to volunteer left me with clear images of Martine and the protagonist. The mystery of “how are the agents being killed?” is clearly established, and left me curious on how the White Queen was accomplishing this. Was she a modern-day medusa, a mythological creature come to life in the Tunisian desert? I wanted to know.
Unfortunately, I never found out. The careful personality study of the first portion disappears once our hero’s true identity is discovered. We shift into action, but we never shift back out of that action in order to get the promised revelation. I’m not sure whether Berandor knew the White Queen’s secret himself while he was writing the story and deliberately decided not to explain, or whether she was a throwaway plot device whose methods were never determined. Either way the villain ended up not living up to her true potential as a three dimensional character, and her death was an anti-climax. The mission had been about discovering knowledge and not killing her, but we never get the payoff. All the other nice touches along the way get swept aside by the unfulfilled ending.
Picture use was good. No surprises on the use of the snakes (although I liked the vomiting image) or the mosque. The mask picture was disappointing only because we never see what is behind it, but the use of the statue as an oddly murdered man was inspired. Nice job there.
Overall, I think that the careful detail and leisurely pace of the story’s first half doesn’t combine well with the frenetic action of the second half. I think with some editing this could be marvelous; as it is, it feels like two different writing styles trying to uncomfortably inhabit one story, each of them elbowing the other to try and claim more room.
In Drose25’s story, I feel like I’ve walked into a pulp Call of Cthulhu tale. None of the characters especially break out of their molds, but those molds partially define them within this genre as well. It’s clear from the beginning that it’s a story about an exciting tomb exploration, and not about a character study. We’ve got a good setting, good background, and agreeable protagonists.
I was caught off guard when the richly established tomb setting was tossed aside almost immediately. The pacing seemed odd, and the lack of a horrific buildup disappointed me; it was less like Victorian horror with the creeping realization that you’re well and truly in trouble, and more like modern slasher flicks where the villain jumps out of a closet and stabs someone. I noticed a missed opportunity of having the characters discuss the tragedy -- and then realize that something was aboard the zeppelin with them -- which might have provided some amazing dialogue. By moving into an overlong dream sequence, a lot of the immediacy was lost; it doesn’t help that a tentacled water monster has no thematic resonance with the tomb’s dead spirit. The ending in particular feels unfinished to me. It’s an anticlimax, and one that doesn’t necessarily live up to the wonderful beginning of the tale. It says something that I wondered if the entire story had been posted.
For picture use, I liked how richly the ziggurat was developed, making it more than a simple backdrop. I disliked that the statue didn’t bear much resemblance to the dead Max. Good use of the Mask photo, and no surprises on the snake photo.
Judgment in this case is quite close, because both stories fall into the category of “good, but could be much stronger with some polishing.” I’m awarding my judgment to Drose25, on the basis of the rich setup and description in the first half of the tale. It's a near thing, though.
FINAL JUDGMENT: 3 out of 3 for Drose25, who will go on to the second round.
Maldur:
deserts, snakes and scary magics. But I do love Victorian speech so.
Drose25 get my vote!
Arwink:
Berandor – Desert Snakes
There’s a lot going on in this story, but throughout it all I kept searching for some sign of what was *really* going on. What, at the core of the story, is the driving force that kept the narrator going forward in the dangerous situations? There were several ideas offered – the need for revenge, a sense of duty or obligation, even the desire to see the world a safer place – but while there were physical challenges presented to the main character the driving force was never really dealt with. We don’t really know why the narrator is doing what he’s doing, so it’s hard to truly engage with his motivation and hope for his success – we don’t really know what we’re hoping will happen.
While Berandor has some really nice metaphor and descriptive passages in here, they also get washed over by the maze of information. We’re told a lot, but at the same time we aren’t given terribly powerful descriptions of the situation between Hydra and Tricolore. The level of detail is good for a game or a film script – largely because it will then be interacted with by a group of players or rendered visually for the watcher – but within the story inferential description is far more effective than something that gives a lot of detail.
By far the most powerful description in the story is that of the emaciated atlas, bereft of a burden, which has far more impact than trying to describe a withered body.
There’s a lot of good points to Berandor’s story, but I think it could stand for some judicious editing to cut down on its length and really trim up the language.
Drose 25 - The Ziggurat of Ghiyath al-Din
A really nice, pulp introduction that brings in some overtones of Indiana Jones and other great adventurers of the 1930’s – as well as some of the expected archetypes that accompany such stories. It maintains this feel well as they head towards the Ziggurat, building the characters together as a team and getting into the swing of the style and genre.
Where Drose lost me was with the change of gears towards a horror story – it happened quickly and without really building the tension inherent in the horror story. We don’t get the sense of mounting weirdness as you would in an adventure-horror story like the Mummy, and the deaths of the characters is seemingly random in its approach.
Another source of confusion was the lack of resolution – while I don’t demand that everyone survive a story like this, I like there to be some kind of reason for them all to die and some sense that a source of conflict has been resolved some how. The ending here seems to happen just as things are getting interesting – as though the entire story was really only the first part of a story and we now have two more acts as Parker and Clara struggle to overcome the Bride of the Ziggurat and save the world (etc etc). Instead, the ending is anti-climactic and leaves us hanging before the story is done.
The pacing here is disappointing, and I think the story needs more time to develop and pass through the various events depicted.
The Judgment
There’s an interesting contrast between the two tales, where I think Berandor’s needs to do less while Drose needs to do more to really bring his story to life. Both of these stories show some really promising elements, but also have some problems with the nature of their central narrative conflicts and the way things hold together.
I give this round to Drose, by the length of about a paragraph and a half, but he was very nearly taken by some very nice description in Berandor’s story.
Piratecat:
The beginning of Berandor’s story sets the stage nicely; the discussion of the dead agent and the manipulation used to get the protagonist to volunteer left me with clear images of Martine and the protagonist. The mystery of “how are the agents being killed?” is clearly established, and left me curious on how the White Queen was accomplishing this. Was she a modern-day medusa, a mythological creature come to life in the Tunisian desert? I wanted to know.
Unfortunately, I never found out. The careful personality study of the first portion disappears once our hero’s true identity is discovered. We shift into action, but we never shift back out of that action in order to get the promised revelation. I’m not sure whether Berandor knew the White Queen’s secret himself while he was writing the story and deliberately decided not to explain, or whether she was a throwaway plot device whose methods were never determined. Either way the villain ended up not living up to her true potential as a three dimensional character, and her death was an anti-climax. The mission had been about discovering knowledge and not killing her, but we never get the payoff. All the other nice touches along the way get swept aside by the unfulfilled ending.
Picture use was good. No surprises on the use of the snakes (although I liked the vomiting image) or the mosque. The mask picture was disappointing only because we never see what is behind it, but the use of the statue as an oddly murdered man was inspired. Nice job there.
Overall, I think that the careful detail and leisurely pace of the story’s first half doesn’t combine well with the frenetic action of the second half. I think with some editing this could be marvelous; as it is, it feels like two different writing styles trying to uncomfortably inhabit one story, each of them elbowing the other to try and claim more room.
In Drose25’s story, I feel like I’ve walked into a pulp Call of Cthulhu tale. None of the characters especially break out of their molds, but those molds partially define them within this genre as well. It’s clear from the beginning that it’s a story about an exciting tomb exploration, and not about a character study. We’ve got a good setting, good background, and agreeable protagonists.
I was caught off guard when the richly established tomb setting was tossed aside almost immediately. The pacing seemed odd, and the lack of a horrific buildup disappointed me; it was less like Victorian horror with the creeping realization that you’re well and truly in trouble, and more like modern slasher flicks where the villain jumps out of a closet and stabs someone. I noticed a missed opportunity of having the characters discuss the tragedy -- and then realize that something was aboard the zeppelin with them -- which might have provided some amazing dialogue. By moving into an overlong dream sequence, a lot of the immediacy was lost; it doesn’t help that a tentacled water monster has no thematic resonance with the tomb’s dead spirit. The ending in particular feels unfinished to me. It’s an anticlimax, and one that doesn’t necessarily live up to the wonderful beginning of the tale. It says something that I wondered if the entire story had been posted.
For picture use, I liked how richly the ziggurat was developed, making it more than a simple backdrop. I disliked that the statue didn’t bear much resemblance to the dead Max. Good use of the Mask photo, and no surprises on the snake photo.
Judgment in this case is quite close, because both stories fall into the category of “good, but could be much stronger with some polishing.” I’m awarding my judgment to Drose25, on the basis of the rich setup and description in the first half of the tale. It's a near thing, though.
FINAL JUDGMENT: 3 out of 3 for Drose25, who will go on to the second round.
drose25
Explorer
Thanks for the competition Berandor, it looks like I just barely squeaked by.
Thanks to the judges for their criticism. I agree parts of the work were bare and a lot was left unanswered or dealt with spartanly. I will say part of the problem was the 5000 word limit.
When I wrote the first draft after outlining everything I wanted to happen I was at about 6700 words. So a lot of dialogue, backstory, and the like had to go out the window. If the pictures next round are conducive, maybe I'll pick up where things left off and flesh out the world some more.
Thanks to the judges for their criticism. I agree parts of the work were bare and a lot was left unanswered or dealt with spartanly. I will say part of the problem was the 5000 word limit.
When I wrote the first draft after outlining everything I wanted to happen I was at about 6700 words. So a lot of dialogue, backstory, and the like had to go out the window. If the pictures next round are conducive, maybe I'll pick up where things left off and flesh out the world some more.
Berandor
lunatic
I somehow missed the judgement above my post. Oops!
First off, congratulations to drose25! When I read your story, I already thought you'd probably beat me. Good luck for the next rounds!
Second in writing, but equal in quality, thanks to the esteemed judges. I hope I could do my part for a difficult round to judge. As this is the only commentary I will be able to make with regards to my own story, allow me to say a few words.
You've really hit home with your criticism. Crafting compelling characters, and especially compelling motivations, is perhaps my biggest flaw in writing. I tend to have neat ideas (the story itself came almost instantly to me), and I think I possess at least decent narrative skills - but motivation? Not much.
It's not really a lack of understanding on my part. For example, I know what I wanted to convey in the story, I know why Pierre did what he did. I just tend to fail on communicating these reasons to the reader; or on the opposite, I simply write about it matter-of-factly, and it becomes an issue of telling instead of showing.
At first, Pierre was supposed to overcome the snake-eater by remembering Francois. His going on the mission was at least as much motivated by a sense of duty and a dislike (hatred) for HYDRA's goals as by a wish to avenge his mentor. In the end, the latter was supposed to prevail. I agree I didn't show anything of that
Back to the snake-man: I changed my mind to give Pierre something to actively overcome, without help of luck. And instead of having Francois help him against the Queen, I had the idea of the escape hatch. And all went down the gutter
As to the White Queen, she was supposed to be a medusa indeed (home-brewed version, so to speak). I had hoped that naming the story desert snakes, having the stairs snake up the citadel, a snake-eating man and a woman whose face was hidden, in concert with "petrified" victims, would be hint enough. I still remember how in the last tourney, two medusa stories were criticised in part because of the cliché resorting to such a creature, so I didn't want to describe or unmask her, really, cop-out as it may have seemed.
I could have written more about HYDRA and Tricolore, but I partly believed that the relationship between a good intelligency agency and a bad one was known well enough for such a piece of genre fiction to function without it (see UNCLE vs. what's-their-name?, MI-6 vs. Blofeld's organization, and a host of similar examples).
I also thought about continuing that story in prosopective further rounds, I must admit.
I was surprised that my second major flaw (at least in this story) didn't come to light that much: the lack of dialogue. I had next to none dialogue, something I feel drose25's story was eminently better than my own. But perhaps you didn't want to be too cruel, eh?
Nevertheless, I'd like to try again, come fall - if you would have me (and the board's allow)
Berandor
will now resort to reading the stories to come, whilst muttering under his breath that he could have done them better in his sleep.
First off, congratulations to drose25! When I read your story, I already thought you'd probably beat me. Good luck for the next rounds!
Second in writing, but equal in quality, thanks to the esteemed judges. I hope I could do my part for a difficult round to judge. As this is the only commentary I will be able to make with regards to my own story, allow me to say a few words.
You've really hit home with your criticism. Crafting compelling characters, and especially compelling motivations, is perhaps my biggest flaw in writing. I tend to have neat ideas (the story itself came almost instantly to me), and I think I possess at least decent narrative skills - but motivation? Not much.
It's not really a lack of understanding on my part. For example, I know what I wanted to convey in the story, I know why Pierre did what he did. I just tend to fail on communicating these reasons to the reader; or on the opposite, I simply write about it matter-of-factly, and it becomes an issue of telling instead of showing.
At first, Pierre was supposed to overcome the snake-eater by remembering Francois. His going on the mission was at least as much motivated by a sense of duty and a dislike (hatred) for HYDRA's goals as by a wish to avenge his mentor. In the end, the latter was supposed to prevail. I agree I didn't show anything of that
Back to the snake-man: I changed my mind to give Pierre something to actively overcome, without help of luck. And instead of having Francois help him against the Queen, I had the idea of the escape hatch. And all went down the gutter
As to the White Queen, she was supposed to be a medusa indeed (home-brewed version, so to speak). I had hoped that naming the story desert snakes, having the stairs snake up the citadel, a snake-eating man and a woman whose face was hidden, in concert with "petrified" victims, would be hint enough. I still remember how in the last tourney, two medusa stories were criticised in part because of the cliché resorting to such a creature, so I didn't want to describe or unmask her, really, cop-out as it may have seemed.
I could have written more about HYDRA and Tricolore, but I partly believed that the relationship between a good intelligency agency and a bad one was known well enough for such a piece of genre fiction to function without it (see UNCLE vs. what's-their-name?, MI-6 vs. Blofeld's organization, and a host of similar examples).
I also thought about continuing that story in prosopective further rounds, I must admit.
I was surprised that my second major flaw (at least in this story) didn't come to light that much: the lack of dialogue. I had next to none dialogue, something I feel drose25's story was eminently better than my own. But perhaps you didn't want to be too cruel, eh?
Nevertheless, I'd like to try again, come fall - if you would have me (and the board's allow)
Berandor
will now resort to reading the stories to come, whilst muttering under his breath that he could have done them better in his sleep.
