WanderingMonster
First Post
"Hey! You got your easter bunny in my drag queen!"RangerWickett said:
"No! You got your drag queen in my easter bunny!"
Two great tastes that go great together.
Spring Ceramic DM™: WINNER POSTED!
"No! You got your drag queen in my easter bunny!"
Two great tastes that go great together.
Piratecat said:
I can. But that is because I always write in Courier New, size 12. I can pretty accurately guess the word count for both single and double space 'cause I know how long my stories have been at what word counts.
Can varying depending on amount of dialog.
And I also my first drafts almost always come in between 4500 and 5500 words.
Zhaneel
Piratecat
Sesquipedalian
Judgment of Match 1-7: WanderingMonster vs. BardStephenFox.
Maldur:
Myth and a bad end, or metal and a bad end. Both are great stories. But I am still a cyberpunk player at heart.
BardStevenFox gets my vote.
PS: this was one of those "why can't I advance both of them?" deals!
Arwink:
Wanderingmonster – Myth of Day
Wanderingmonster starts off with a story that has a real mythic feel, working his way forwards from the very first question. It’s a powerful thing to hang a story on, and for much of the piece he manages to maintain a voice and mood that works in tandem with his key theme. Unfortunately, it starts to loose this cohesion as it progresses on, introducing elements that seem incongruous with the setting in order to accommodate the images. Small questions start to cause ruptures in the integrity of the story – how does an innocent man from the dawn of time start understand prison?
Once Solrath is introduced to the story, it progresses to quickly to keep balance with the more measured beginning, giving the narrative a strange feel that leaves the conclusion slightly unsatisfying. The pace of the language in the first half is more in keeping with the mood, and I couldn’t help feeling a little lost when the sudden rush to meeting with the Bright Lady began.
BardStephenFox – Cleansing
I’m a big fan of Cyberpunk tales, but BardStephenFox overloads us with the dense style and meat references in the early stages of this story. It’s a delicate balance to strike with this kind of character, particularly with the pseudo-stream-of-consciousness style narration being used here, but the over-use of the term tends to turn Monkey into a rather flat character rather than a more rounded one. He becomes a figure of cartoon menace rather than an understated and intelligent killer.
As the story develops, the connections and the characters become more intricate and the Meat references start to become more contextual zed rather than stylized. There are some very cool ideas inherent within the intersection between the cyberpunk ethos and the religious beliefs that are touched on, and I can’t help wishing the story had delved into this a little more. The action is well handled, and the pace of the story is well maintained.
The real flaws here, for me, largely came down to dialogue that doesn’t ring true and an ending that is a little too ambiguous to carry the rest of the story. For the most part, this is a respectable story that could easily develop into something interesting if it were given a little more space.
Judgment
Both the stories contained some interesting elements, but in the end I give the round to BardStephenFox because I’m a sucker for a good cyberpunk story and I’ve not seen one used in this competition before.
Piratecat:
Wandering Monster starts off with a wonderfully mythic feel. He really communicates the happy simplicity at the beginning of civilization, where cynicism simply has no place. I liked the first half of this very much.
The tone began to change about halfway through, because I'm not sure the protagonist's reaction to Solrath's conversation rings true. He began to get cynical and suspicious so quickly that the abrupt ending dilutes much of its possible impact. Oddly enough, I'm reminded of a Muppet Christmas Carol, where Michael Caine's Scrooge becomes a sympathetic character too quickly. This is the reverse, and as you give up the contrast of happiness vs. misery you lose sight of what Helianthus has really forsaken. I would have like to have seen a little more self-reflection and questioning.
Even for that, I really enjoyed this story. Photo usage was good to great. The book tie-in to "sharp" wasn't used, but I like the imagery of "hands", and setting "arms" as a sun goddess was inspired.
My first impression of BardStephenFox's "Cleansing" is that the first paragraph tries too hard. It bludgeons the setting into your consciousness with too many repetitions (ten in one paragraph) of the concept "meat," almost sinking into self-parody, when a little more subtlety might have been much more effective. (Plus it made me hungry.) Even with a string of "its/it's" errors, though, the atmosphere and grittiness comes through nicely. I was left with the impression that the narrator is very good at his job but not very bright. Communicating that sort of wary cunning is difficult, and BSF managed to do it nicely both here and in the well written action descriptions.
The core of the story is an elegant dance between memory and action that works extremely well. The internal dialogue rings true to me, although not all the conversations between people do, and I would have liked to see more focus on the interplay between religion and augmentation. There's some fascinating concepts in there. I'd also like to see a little more focus on who Singh is and what has happened to him. One complaint with the ending: since the bulk of the story is first-person narration, relating the death of the narrator is quite awkward, as is the shift to third-person narration for the last paragraph. I think keeping the last paragraph as first-person narration with a different "reborn" attitude might have been more effective.
Photo usage was quite good. The foreshadowing of "hidden," the use of "sharp" as a self-image, the combat potential of "arms"... all nicely done.
My judgment is for BardStephenFox. Both stories are good, but BSF manages to pack his with a denseness of detail and world development that hints at a well developed and complex world beyond this one particular story.
FINAL JUDGMENT: 3 out of 3 for BardStephenFox, who will go on to the second round.
Maldur:
Myth and a bad end, or metal and a bad end. Both are great stories. But I am still a cyberpunk player at heart.
BardStevenFox gets my vote.
PS: this was one of those "why can't I advance both of them?" deals!
Arwink:
Wanderingmonster – Myth of Day
Wanderingmonster starts off with a story that has a real mythic feel, working his way forwards from the very first question. It’s a powerful thing to hang a story on, and for much of the piece he manages to maintain a voice and mood that works in tandem with his key theme. Unfortunately, it starts to loose this cohesion as it progresses on, introducing elements that seem incongruous with the setting in order to accommodate the images. Small questions start to cause ruptures in the integrity of the story – how does an innocent man from the dawn of time start understand prison?
Once Solrath is introduced to the story, it progresses to quickly to keep balance with the more measured beginning, giving the narrative a strange feel that leaves the conclusion slightly unsatisfying. The pace of the language in the first half is more in keeping with the mood, and I couldn’t help feeling a little lost when the sudden rush to meeting with the Bright Lady began.
BardStephenFox – Cleansing
I’m a big fan of Cyberpunk tales, but BardStephenFox overloads us with the dense style and meat references in the early stages of this story. It’s a delicate balance to strike with this kind of character, particularly with the pseudo-stream-of-consciousness style narration being used here, but the over-use of the term tends to turn Monkey into a rather flat character rather than a more rounded one. He becomes a figure of cartoon menace rather than an understated and intelligent killer.
As the story develops, the connections and the characters become more intricate and the Meat references start to become more contextual zed rather than stylized. There are some very cool ideas inherent within the intersection between the cyberpunk ethos and the religious beliefs that are touched on, and I can’t help wishing the story had delved into this a little more. The action is well handled, and the pace of the story is well maintained.
The real flaws here, for me, largely came down to dialogue that doesn’t ring true and an ending that is a little too ambiguous to carry the rest of the story. For the most part, this is a respectable story that could easily develop into something interesting if it were given a little more space.
Judgment
Both the stories contained some interesting elements, but in the end I give the round to BardStephenFox because I’m a sucker for a good cyberpunk story and I’ve not seen one used in this competition before.
Piratecat:
Wandering Monster starts off with a wonderfully mythic feel. He really communicates the happy simplicity at the beginning of civilization, where cynicism simply has no place. I liked the first half of this very much.
The tone began to change about halfway through, because I'm not sure the protagonist's reaction to Solrath's conversation rings true. He began to get cynical and suspicious so quickly that the abrupt ending dilutes much of its possible impact. Oddly enough, I'm reminded of a Muppet Christmas Carol, where Michael Caine's Scrooge becomes a sympathetic character too quickly. This is the reverse, and as you give up the contrast of happiness vs. misery you lose sight of what Helianthus has really forsaken. I would have like to have seen a little more self-reflection and questioning.
Even for that, I really enjoyed this story. Photo usage was good to great. The book tie-in to "sharp" wasn't used, but I like the imagery of "hands", and setting "arms" as a sun goddess was inspired.
My first impression of BardStephenFox's "Cleansing" is that the first paragraph tries too hard. It bludgeons the setting into your consciousness with too many repetitions (ten in one paragraph) of the concept "meat," almost sinking into self-parody, when a little more subtlety might have been much more effective. (Plus it made me hungry.) Even with a string of "its/it's" errors, though, the atmosphere and grittiness comes through nicely. I was left with the impression that the narrator is very good at his job but not very bright. Communicating that sort of wary cunning is difficult, and BSF managed to do it nicely both here and in the well written action descriptions.
The core of the story is an elegant dance between memory and action that works extremely well. The internal dialogue rings true to me, although not all the conversations between people do, and I would have liked to see more focus on the interplay between religion and augmentation. There's some fascinating concepts in there. I'd also like to see a little more focus on who Singh is and what has happened to him. One complaint with the ending: since the bulk of the story is first-person narration, relating the death of the narrator is quite awkward, as is the shift to third-person narration for the last paragraph. I think keeping the last paragraph as first-person narration with a different "reborn" attitude might have been more effective.
Photo usage was quite good. The foreshadowing of "hidden," the use of "sharp" as a self-image, the combat potential of "arms"... all nicely done.
My judgment is for BardStephenFox. Both stories are good, but BSF manages to pack his with a denseness of detail and world development that hints at a well developed and complex world beyond this one particular story.
FINAL JUDGMENT: 3 out of 3 for BardStephenFox, who will go on to the second round.
alsih2o
First Post
Piratecat said:Actually, folks should avoid adding too many random pictures to this thread; I don't want any confusion from someone quickly browsing.
Judgment for Match 1-7 in a few minutes.
*sticks hand up like a basketball player admitting a foul*
My bad, poor courtside ettiquette.
BSF
Explorer
Wow! Thanks! WanderingMonster, thanks for giving me a run I am dying to read your story, my wife says it is good, but now I am superstitious. Last tourney, I read each story as it was posted and I think my writing suffered because of it. This time, I am trying something different.
Now, a little self-criticism with the judges' help. First of all, its/it's errors? (oh good grief!) OK, that just goes to show that my first draft should not be my final draft. In the end, I wrote this story up in a 5 1/2 hour sitting with a single break to check EN World for relaxation. I think it shows in the rushed manner of the story.
I thought about these pictures Sunday night, and Monday day and thought it might be a vampire story. (Pre-pictures, I was wondering if I could work in a story about this guy that is wandering a maze, though he can't remember why he is there. All he knows is that people keep trying to kill him.) The crux of the story all came from the hands through the gate. At first I thought it was a vampire prying the links apart. But, I couldn't get past all the sunlight. So, what else could pry the links apart? A cyborg could. This scene developed in my head of a cyborg doing something that a normal human couldn't and thinking about what his psychiatrist had told him about using his hands more. It seemed like a powerful scene and I set it aside until I needed it. In the end, it ended up looking like a throwaway scene. Anyway, I started crafting the elements in my head Monday night and Tuesday at work. I knew I wouldn't have time to write on Wednesday, so Tuesday night was my only writing window. I should have tried to start sooner.
Meat - Yes, it is grossly overused in that first paragraph! My wife told me I should cut some of it. I pretty much agreed with her and in a second draft, I would have. The thing is, I was trying to write from the perspective of a psychopath. I (hopefully & thankfully) don't have much experience with that. As a writer, I used that first paragraph to benchmark Monkey's total disdain for unaugmented people. Establishing that, I wanted to work toward more humanity as he neared Durga. I wanted to push a bit more of that feeling, but I lost sight of it in a flurry of keystrokes.
Monkey - No, Monkey is not the brightest guy out there. Little clues like forgetting he doesn't have a language chip socketed, talking about Meat in front of the mind-doc, and language choices. I wish the dialog worked better, but it was hard for me to conceptualize how somebody that is fundamentally broken in how he interacts with people would talk. I was _hoping_ the poor dialog helped convey this.
Dr. Singh - I wanted to include more about him, but in the end, I couldn't think of a satisfying way to bring him into the story. He helped make borgs, so he helped introduce demons into the flesh of man. How did he react to Durga? Did she forgive him or send him on to be reborn? How would Monkey react if Singh was in the room? So many questions and I want answers, but I couldn't figure out how to do that and keep the focus on Monkey.
Hannah - The story moves forward in time, while moving backward in memory. But, I would have liked to have expanded a bit more on who the mind-doc was so the reader could judge why her death was a tragedy and how much she affected Monkey.
Hidden - The hardest picture for me to integrate, so I decided it was something from his memory. Then it became a theme. It worked nicely I think. Piratecat, thank you for pointing out the perspective shift! That is one of my weak points. I could have written that part much more effectively if I had stayed in Monkey's head. In retrospect, that's a no brainer.
Other story weaknesses - Where do I start? There are many in there. I just wanted to comment on the things that have been eating my brain the last few days. I think there might be a good story to polish in here though. That's one of the first times I can say that, so I think I might plan to rework this sometime down the road. It might be a good addition to Mythago'sKiln-Fired Ceramic DM thread.
Thank you for the comments and for liking the story. Now, I will look forward to round two.
Now, a little self-criticism with the judges' help. First of all, its/it's errors? (oh good grief!) OK, that just goes to show that my first draft should not be my final draft. In the end, I wrote this story up in a 5 1/2 hour sitting with a single break to check EN World for relaxation. I think it shows in the rushed manner of the story.
I thought about these pictures Sunday night, and Monday day and thought it might be a vampire story. (Pre-pictures, I was wondering if I could work in a story about this guy that is wandering a maze, though he can't remember why he is there. All he knows is that people keep trying to kill him.) The crux of the story all came from the hands through the gate. At first I thought it was a vampire prying the links apart. But, I couldn't get past all the sunlight. So, what else could pry the links apart? A cyborg could. This scene developed in my head of a cyborg doing something that a normal human couldn't and thinking about what his psychiatrist had told him about using his hands more. It seemed like a powerful scene and I set it aside until I needed it. In the end, it ended up looking like a throwaway scene. Anyway, I started crafting the elements in my head Monday night and Tuesday at work. I knew I wouldn't have time to write on Wednesday, so Tuesday night was my only writing window. I should have tried to start sooner.
Meat - Yes, it is grossly overused in that first paragraph!
My wife told me I should cut some of it. I pretty much agreed with her and in a second draft, I would have. The thing is, I was trying to write from the perspective of a psychopath. I (hopefully & thankfully) don't have much experience with that. As a writer, I used that first paragraph to benchmark Monkey's total disdain for unaugmented people. Establishing that, I wanted to work toward more humanity as he neared Durga. I wanted to push a bit more of that feeling, but I lost sight of it in a flurry of keystrokes.Monkey - No, Monkey is not the brightest guy out there. Little clues like forgetting he doesn't have a language chip socketed, talking about Meat in front of the mind-doc, and language choices. I wish the dialog worked better, but it was hard for me to conceptualize how somebody that is fundamentally broken in how he interacts with people would talk. I was _hoping_ the poor dialog helped convey this.
Dr. Singh - I wanted to include more about him, but in the end, I couldn't think of a satisfying way to bring him into the story. He helped make borgs, so he helped introduce demons into the flesh of man. How did he react to Durga? Did she forgive him or send him on to be reborn? How would Monkey react if Singh was in the room? So many questions and I want answers, but I couldn't figure out how to do that and keep the focus on Monkey.
Hannah - The story moves forward in time, while moving backward in memory. But, I would have liked to have expanded a bit more on who the mind-doc was so the reader could judge why her death was a tragedy and how much she affected Monkey.
Hidden - The hardest picture for me to integrate, so I decided it was something from his memory. Then it became a theme. It worked nicely I think. Piratecat, thank you for pointing out the perspective shift! That is one of my weak points. I could have written that part much more effectively if I had stayed in Monkey's head. In retrospect, that's a no brainer.
Other story weaknesses - Where do I start? There are many in there. I just wanted to comment on the things that have been eating my brain the last few days. I think there might be a good story to polish in here though. That's one of the first times I can say that, so I think I might plan to rework this sometime down the road. It might be a good addition to Mythago'sKiln-Fired Ceramic DM thread.
Thank you for the comments and for liking the story. Now, I will look forward to round two.
BSF
Explorer
Sialia said:
Oh Sialia! I really dug the shark-demon picture. One of the things I liked the least about the story was the mind-doc's comment to Monkey, "Do you hate yourself?" I needed something to drive in the idea that the shark-demon was somehow part of what makes Monkey "broken". Otherwise, the look into the mirror, and the appearance of the shark-demon at the end wouldn't make much sense. Having the mind-doc make such a brutal assessment of a cool drawing helped. Still, the picture usage was not as strong as I would have liked. Nevertheless, I still like your art, it makes me stop and think.
Piratecat
Sesquipedalian
The "Do you hate yourself?" line made me laugh. Quit with the self-recrimination; both you and Wandering Monster did an excellent job. That was an fun match-off.
If I had been writing, the "sharp" picture would have been a tome whose guardian came alive. It's interesting how different people see pictures in different ways.
We'll announce the last Round One winner Monday night, I expect, and then schedule all the Round 2 matches.
If I had been writing, the "sharp" picture would have been a tome whose guardian came alive. It's interesting how different people see pictures in different ways.
We'll announce the last Round One winner Monday night, I expect, and then schedule all the Round 2 matches.
Last edited:
WanderingMonster
First Post
Thanks everyone! Tanks BSF for the challenging round, and thank your wife for liking my story. All winners are very deserving, and I don't envy the judges their task at all.
I do have to ask Pkitty—If my story reminded you of A Muppet Christmas Carol why didn't I win? Oh...wait. I'm thinking of John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together. Nevermind. You're right.
Good luck on Round 2 everyone!
I do have to ask Pkitty—If my story reminded you of A Muppet Christmas Carol why didn't I win? Oh...wait. I'm thinking of John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together. Nevermind. You're right.
Good luck on Round 2 everyone!
