Tell us a joke...

[LightPhoenix]

A guy walks up to the bar and calls for the bartender. The bartender comes over, and the guy says, "Bartender, I bet you 20 dollars I can bite my own eye."

The bartender replies, "There's no way you can do that, you're on!"

The guy takes out his glass eye and bites it.

The bartender is a good sport, laughs, and give the man his money. He buys himself and his friend some drinks, comes back an hour later.

"Bartender, I'll bet you 50 dollars I can bite my own ear."

The bartender is a little wary, but says, "There's no way you can do that! You're on!"

The guy takes out his dentures and bites his ear.

Now, the bartender is a little miffed, but like I said, he's a good sport. He chuckles and gives the man his money. The guy goes and buys a bunch of shots for his friend and himself. About an hour later, he comes back again.

"Bartender, I'll bet you 100 dollars that if you put a shot glass on the bar, I can pee into it and not spill a drop."

The bartender has watched the man drink all night, and knows he won't be able to do it. He takes out a shot glass and puts it on the bar, saying, "Alright, you're on!"

The man stands up on a stool, upzips his fly, and lets loose. It goes everywhere - on the bar, on the floor, and especially on the bartender. The bartender is laughing hard, knowing he finally got the guy... but then he notices the guy is laughing too.

"Why are you laughing? You just lost a hundred bucks, peed all over a bar, you're gonna get thrown out."

"Well, I bet my friend there five hundred dollars I could pee all over the bartender and make him laugh about it."

 

[Zander]

What do you call a creature with the body of a man and the head of a bull?

A mooootant.

 

[Zander]

A topical joke for those in the UK:

What's the difference between Russian sushi and giving to Children in Need?

Not much; they both leave you with a warm, fuzzy feeling inside.

 

[Zander]

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?

A: Only one- all of the rest are true stories.

A little girl gets home after school having walked through a graveyard on the way. “Can they burry two men in the same grave?” she asks her mother. “Of course not, dear” answers her mother, “Why do you ask?” “Well,” explains the little girl, “one of the tombstones said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”

Sorry, DannyA. I couldn't resist.

 

[Pbartender]

The German that was quoted earlier was from a Python episode, about the "World's Funniest Joke," developed as a weapon by the British in WWII -- it was so funny that anyone who came into contact with it died of laughter. The Germans attempted to come up with their own, but it was lame.

Man, if you have to explain it...

I've some of the show but not much. Don't care much for it.

Out, you!

 

[Aeson]

Out, you!

People want you to revoke your geek card for anything these days. I haven't read the LOTR books. I don't care for Monte Python. I can barely do basic math and I have poor grammar and spelling skills.

 

[Pbartender]

People want you to revoke your geek card for anything these days. I haven't read the LOTR books. I don't care for Monte Python. I can barely do basic math and I have poor grammar and spelling skills.

Relax, man... it's nothing personal... we're joking.

It's just hard to imagine a Roleplaying Gamer, and specifically a D&D Gamer, who can't pull a dozen or so quotes from Monty Python out of his pocket.

To address your first comment...

If you people are going to tell jokes try it in a language that everyone can understand.

The "World's Funniest Joke" doesn't actually mean anything -- even in German, it's gibberish -- which is part of the reason the original sketch was so amusing.

At any rate, on with the jokes...


Her pipes started leaking, so she called a plumber. Since she had to rush off to work, she told the plumber, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Please fix the pipes, leaves the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Don't worry about my bulldog, Spike. He won't bother you... But whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances talk to my parrot.

"That's very important. Don't. Say. Anything. To The Parrrot."

So when the plumber arrives and sets to work, he finds the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet intently watching the plumber go about his work.

The parrot, on the other hand, let out a steady, unending stream of incessant cursing, cussing, jeering and name-calling. After an hour of ear-splitting torment, the plumbler couldn't take any more, and yelled back,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Spike, get 'im."

 

[Servitor of Wrath]

A blind man walks into a bar. He sits down, and after a few minutes, says, "Who wants to hear a blonde joke?"

The bartender says, "Sir, before you tell that joke, there are five things you should know:

1. I am a blond woman, and I have a baseball bat in my hand.

2. The woman by the door is blond and an expert knife thrower.

3. The woman to your left is blond and a pro wrestler.

4. The woman to your right is blond and a heavyweight boxing champion.

5. The woman just behind you is blond and she has a gun.

Keeping that in mind, do you still want to tell that joke?"

The man responds, "Not if it means having to tell it five times."

 

[papastebu]

Phi-lo-so-fickle

A reporter is sent to interview a local farmer for a human-interest piece about his prize-winning pig. He gets to the farm and sees the hugest hog he could possibly have imagined standing there next to the farmer, happy as, well happy as a pig in the sunshine.
"Good Lord," cries the reporter in amazement. "How did that pig get so big?"
"Well," replies the farmer, "it has a lot to do with what we feed him. He eats nothing but acorns, and it's made him the largest hog in the world."
"I can't see how you could get enough to feed such an animal," says the reporter, "especially now that he's gotten so huge."
With a twinkle in his eye, the farmer says, "I'll just show you." The farmer then proceeds to get a block-and-tackle assembly set up beneath a nearby oak tree, with the giant hog as the object of his efforts, and lifts the massive creature into the middle branches of the tree, with, of course the assistance of a number of hired hands, his two sons, and for awhile, his own aging wife. All of this took them about an hour, and then the pig began to happily munch from the branches of the tree around him.
"Of course," says the farmer, "we'll have to move him again in about 45 minutes."
The reporter replies, "Isn't that a lot of time to spend on one animal's amazing growth?"
The farmer squints up at the pig, scratches his head through his hat, and says at last, "Well, yeah. It is at that.
"But what's time to a pig?"

 

[Simplicity]

At a certain monastery, all of the monks have taken a vow of silence. Only one of them can speak each year. And that one monk can only say one thing. So one year at breakfast, one of the monks speaks:

"I hate oatmeal."

A year passes by, and finally, again at breakfast another monk speaks up.

"I love oatmeal."

Another year of silence follows until again at breakfast a third monk speaks:

"I'm sick and tired of all this bickering about oatmeal."