the Jester's OLD story hour, UPDATED AT LAST!

[the Jester]

The pcs rest on the top deck of the steelship, sleeping in the open sea air. The huge hulk seems inert, but the party does not trust it. Indeed, it seems likely that, given its size, there may be more adversaries somewhere. The party sets watches and tries to get some rest. While he’s on watch Spukoni attracts seagulls and polymorphs them into shriekers to serve as alarms. He also uses his chaos touch ability on them, and soon they are not just shriekers but are instead weirdly altered shriekers. Strangely the party rests undisturbed, and after regaining spells and the like they set out to explore some more of the strange ship.

They manage to open a hatch inside the structure that previously wouldn’t give way. It leads to a chamber with a strange panel of holes and many long crystals, some inserted into some of the holes. After a few head-scratching minutes during which they experiment with inserting more rods into more holes, the party looks for a way to move on, opening a small portal that Krunkshank crawls through- the space is small and tight, but he can fit on his hands and knees- and emerges from into a large chamber facing a quartet of metal hounds, growling at him. Behind them, flanked by two large humanoid metal constructs, is a man wearing a chain shirt of fine mithral, with several more of the iron dragons roosting above him on some of the omnipresent metal beams that seem to crisscross the steelship.

Wisely, Krunkshank, currently alone, does not launch an immediate attack. The man greets him: “Hello. I presume you are one of the individuals who... disposed of the chain users?”

“Uh... yeah,” the dwarf replies gruffly.

“I hope we can come to some sort of accommodation,” the human says smoothly, “or I’ll have to sic my hounds on you. What are you doing here?”

“Uh... we just want to find a way home.”

“Really,” the human replies drolly. “Well, this is my ship that you’re on. Perhaps we can come to an agreement.”

Later, the party is on deck and the human emerges to “discuss” things with them. He is still guarded by the hounds and the humanoid constructs. He introduces himself as Titus, and after some talk the party comes to an arrangement with him. They won’t interfere with him and in return he’ll give them a ride to somewhere in the direction of Dorhaus, the continent where the Temple of Elemental Evil is. Anvar is once again itching to get back to it, and keeps muttering about the ongoing disruption of the elemental gates caused by the Temple’s activities. Spukoni keeps on changing seagulls into shriekers; as a sorcerer he is in no danger of running out of polymorphs any time soon.

“Why did you have those chain guys on the ship?” Horbin wants to know, hoping that this fellow isn’t some sort of Bleak-worshiper or something.

“A temporary alliance of convenience,” Titus answers him. “They were helping me. The two of them were partners. They had information that some sort of construct from Hell is on this ship somewhere, but I haven’t seen any sign of it yet.”

Indeed, it seems that Titus has not yet mastered the ship. He tells them that he’s nearly got it running, leaving unanswered the question of where it came from in the first place, and he gets their help loading fuel into the engines. The panel they found before was a control panel, he tells them, and urges them not to tamper with it. A few guilty looks ensue. “You already did,” Titus realizes with a cry, and sprints to the chamber where he cries out again in frustration and- fear? A few moments later, he’s undone whatever it is that the party messed up and shakes his finger at them. “DON’T touch that!” he yells at them, and properly chagrined- and wanting to get home- they agree.

Soon enough the ship is active and starts moving through the jagged shallows of the Serpent’s Tail. There is a horrible grinding noise, and the group fears that the hull is being rent by the choppy stones of the area; but instead, it seems to be plowing through, tearing a hole through anything in the way, breaking rocks and merely scratching the hull.

“A formidable ship,” Clambake offers.

The party is on their way home at last!

A few days pass. A large number of shriekers now claims the top of the boat as their home, making it hard to move or bring a light up in quiet, but Spukoni just laughs. Several are pushed off the edge; they can’t seem to stick to the surface too well, but what they lack in staying power they make up in quantity.

Then a whale breeches next to them- an orca!- and calls out: “Hello up there! I wonder if you could help me...”

Next time: Marital troubles for a killer whale, or, “Hey, I’m a cleric- is this against my religion?”

 

[the Jester]

Why could a killer whale possibly need help from a party of surface adventurers? It’s a good question, and one the party puts to the orca right away.

“Err, it’s kind of embarrassing,” the whale, whose name is Madriel, admits. “I was waylaid by a group of sea trolls and they stole something from me. There’s an air-filled cavern they’ve taken it into, and well...” He pauses to waggle his flippers. “I don’t have legs.”

Hmm, true.

“Why not?” asks Horbin rhetorically. After all, whales have a reputation for being honest and helpful. Horbin’s a good guy, even if most of the party members, strictly speaking, aren’t. And they’ve been on this ship for a while. It’s boring- not to mention loud, what with the shriekers. They’ve explored part of the ship in their spare time, but they keep finding sealed hatches, inactive metal bugs, and not much to do. There’s no holodeck or anything... About the most fun they’ve had is catching Bolfol, a halfling stowaway who had hidden aboard for some time, and playing with the chain the human mistress of chains had. It zapped Spukoni when he picked it up, and eventually the group had determined that only Sith could really handle it with impunity- another clue as to what happened in the Bastion of Law- so he’s toyed with it, trying to figure it out. Bolfol seems a nice enough fellow; he claims to have been the last survivor of a shipwreck and to have washed up next to the ship and climbed on it. He’s helpful and amusing. But that’s it. Nothing to do but kick shriekers off the top deck. The group has been growing snappish at each other with nothing to kill and loot.

So, sea trolls? Sounds like something to kill and loot! Titus, bemused, agrees not to move the ship until their return; he doesn’t have anywhere in particular to go. He’s learning to drive.

A water breathing spell later, most of the party, including Bolfol, prepares to descend into the water. “You can’t miss the cave,” the whale promises. “It’s down there and full of air.”

“What did they take from you?” Horbin asks. Again, Madriel pauses, looking embarrassed.

“Err... it’s kind of embarrassing...” Pause. “It’s, uh, sort of a, um...” Pause. “Well, you see, I have this lovely lady waiting for me.” He winks. “And the thing is, they stole, umm, something for her.”

“Well, we can’t find it if you don’t tell us what it is.”

It’s amazing to see an orca blush. Who’d have thought it was possible? But blush he does as he replies, “It’s sort of a... marital aid.”

The party is stunned to silence for a moment.

“It’s a, uh, a ring. But it won’t fit you,” Madriel adds.

Laughter bursts out from the group as they realize what he’s asking. But the killer whale just smiles a toothy but sheepish grin, since after all, these guys are gonna help him- right?

Right- except for Vito, who is a little seasick as it is and elects to stay on the ship “to make sure Titus doesn’t take off anywhere.”

Into the water they go, bubbles rising around them as they descend into the green depths. They swim down, moving over coral reefs, swimming through clouds of silver fish. Deeper they go, until the only light comes from Horbin’s continual flame. Yes, that continual flame sure helps them see...

...and helps things see them from afar. Emerging from the darkness with dazzling flashes of light come three strange, bulbous creatures with lobster claws and a single huge eye in the center of their bodies and two eyestalks sticking up above their spherical bodies. The party has seen a beholder before, and these are definitely some kind of beholder-kin- but aquatic!

Out of their element, the party does their best to battle the monsters. Bolfol and Horbin are both stunned by the flashes of light, and Sith immediately discovers how difficult it is to cast spells underwater: very. Clambake, too, makes a discovery: his mace- in fact, crushing weapons in general- sucks under water. The water resistance makes it useless. Bolfol, meanwhile, recovers from his stun and stabs one of the monsters in its vitals from a flanking position with Sith. More flashes of light stun Spukoni just after he turns one of the eyes of the deep into a carp, and things are beginning to look grim when Horbin, shaking his head clear, manages to cast freedom of movement on himself. Able to move freely, he finds his holy mace is more effective against the monsters than they would like. Finally, the party drives off the beasties and, shaken, continues on.

Soon they see a cave entrance... can the orca’s penis ring be far behind?

Next time: Orcas don’t have hands, either; or, “You want me to do WHAT??”

 

[the Jester]

The Orca's Penis-Ring

That was the actual title of game #486 in my campaign. I have a battered notebook that I make a sign in sheet for each game on and take a few notes if I'm lucky. Anyway, where were we?

Clambake returns to the ship due to exhaustion and wounds, and also to help keep an eye of the clockwork master. He is not at all sure he trusts this Titus just yet, and it would be unfortunate if the ship departed while they were in the middle of the ocean. The rest of the party travels on.

The first cave houses a lone sea troll. As the party enters the undersea lair, he growls something none of them understand, so Sith moves to attack. The troll snaps out a spell and the entire party starts glowing green. Two sharks swim up to attack the heroes. Horbin blasts them with a sound burst while Sith trades blows with the sea troll until it falls. Horbin and Bolfol finish off the sharks and the group searches the troll. They find some sort of algal holy symbol (the underwater equivalent of mistletoe, they deduce) but no whale marital aid, so they move on. Now that he’s seen one, Sith polymorphs himself into a scrag himself.

The next cave entrance is shaped like a bug U, dropping down and rising again. At the top, the characters burst into a large grotto filled with a large bubble of foul-smelling air. They start to haul themselves out, but as they do four large hulking forms charge out of the darkness at them- sea trolls! And the party’s caught flat-footed half in the water!

Two of the trolls leap into the water with the characters; the other two slam into Horbin and Sith; Bolfol is still underwater, and the abrupt entrance of the two trolls in a bubbling splash is his first hint that anything has gone wrong. Fortunately, the little halfling has been keeping to the shadows, and the excited scrags don’t notice him yet.

Sith and Horbin hoist themselves out of the water and act, weathering attacks from the trolls as they do. The holy man calls upon Dexter to save him, and one of the trolls decides to ignore him; after all, he seems weak compared to the sea troll with him. But Sith hastes himself and then attacks for all his worth, using trollish claws and bite. The trolls in the water, denied an opportunity to flank swimming opponents, use their long arms to snatch at their foes in the cave. Bolfol, swimming quietly into a flanking position with Sith, goes to take a stab at one of the trolls but fumbles so badly that he drops his blade and the troll still doesn’t even know it! Cursing silently, he creeps to the bottom of the U-shaped passage to retrieve it, then re-ascends, hoping it hasn’t taken too long or alerted the trolls to his presence. An unmoving troll body plunges into the water past him and sinks to the bottom of the passage.

Sith is grappling body to body with a sea troll; they would be evenly matched but for the bull’s strength rippling through the polymorphed wizard. Horbin is searching for any sign of a large ring, but the grotto has many recesses and much filth in it, including bones, troll dung, a few coins and many discarded shells, their former occupants no doubt sucked out by the trolls. Bolfol scrambles out of the water and sticks the troll grappling Sith right in the back of the throat (he can tell them apart by Sith’s equipment) and it gurgles. Sith breaks free from it and with a ferocious swipe of the claws drops it to the ground.

The group searches as quickly as circumstances allow, but when one of the trolls, still wounded but regenerating, emerges from the water, the group is interrupted. They drop it and it sinks back down the drain. After that it becomes a frantic game of search-and-strike, with Sith keeping the regenerating scrags from getting into trouble. The ones in the air-filled part of the cave don’t seem to be regenerating, though, and the group takes heart in that. Finally, Horbin prays for guidance and finds what they’re looking for: an enormous ring that looks to be made of a flexible kelp-like substance. Snickering to themselves, the party leaves, making sure they don’t leave any trolls in the water and hoping they’ll stay dead.

Fifteen minutes of swimming later the group is near to the steelship and Madriel the killer whale. He thanks them and provides them with a mouthful of pearls in gratitude. The party is about to reboard the ship when he harrumphs and says, “Well, there’s just one more thing...”

“What’s that?” asks Horbin.

“Well, umm... you see, we orcas, we don’t have hands.” Pause. “Umm, I kind of, well... need help putting it on.”

Sith and Bolfol get on board the ship.

Horbin, good guy that he is, tries to give Madriel a hand, so to speak, but there’s one problem.

“It won’t fit unless I’m, umm...”

“I don’t believe I’m doing this,” Horbin says to no one in particular, but he does. “Think of your girlfriend,” he says to the orca. And the cleric helps him, umm, get ready to put, er, his, you know, ring on.



That’s enough for now!

Next time: our heroes’ journey ends, but not how- or where- they wanted! Who ends up MIA?

 

[Welverin]

I'm reading! I said I would didn't I? Not all caught up yet, however.

Loved the chaos obelisk, but I have a couple questions regarding it. One what is Spukoni now? Still an ooze or something else? And if all that is alright what's bad?

 

[Serpenteye]

Re: The Orca's Penis-Ring

“I don’t believe I’m doing this,” Horbin says to no one in particular, but he does. “Think of your girlfriend,” he says to the orca. And the cleric helps him, umm, get ready to put, er, his, you know, ring on.

Lol!

This is one of the better storyhours I've read. You have a very natural flow in your writing, it's easy and enjoyable to read and it also has a relatively original and entertaining flavour. I've never come across the concept of extradimentional colons and orca penis rings before.

 

[the Jester]

Hey, someone read it!!

Glad you're enjoying it, Serpenteye, and thanks for the feedback. If you haven't seen it, I posted the chaos charts a while back in the rules forum- that'll give you an idea of the kind of insane wackiness that can sometimes happen in my campaign.

Welverin, Spukoni is now a feathered silver outsider that animals really like, who smells yummy to monsters, who can grant chaos attributes by touch twice per day. One of his arms is a whip. He has DR 5/+2, some degree of SR, and has lost all his ranks in open locks (he had lots of them, too). He can't say his own name any more, either.

Unfortunately, the player seems to have left our group due to really stupid reasons, so by the time I'm caught up with the current game time I don't know how much more of him you'll see. Sigh... it really sort of pisses me off, but hey, what can you do...

 

[Serpenteye]

Hey, someone read it!!

Glad you're enjoying it, Serpenteye, and thanks for the feedback.

You're welcome.

 

[Welverin]

I found the funny!

Welverin, Spukoni is now a feathered silver outsider that animals really like, who smells yummy to monsters, who can grant chaos attributes by touch twice per day. One of his arms is a whip. He has DR 5/+2, some degree of SR, and has lost all his ranks in open locks (he had lots of them, too). He can't say his own name any more, either

Cool, but I'm still fuzzy on what is actually SHAPE is (I have the feeling when you say outsider you mean it as more than just a creature type). Is he an ooze (rather formless), or is he back to being rather humanoid again?

When I read what he's doing I think of the Amoeba Boys in the Powerpuff Girls, which is a funny, if inaccurate, image.

Still baffled that some one named Clambake can be so unfunny.

Anyway, good job.

 

[the Jester]

Re: I found the funny!

Cool, but I'm still fuzzy on what is actually SHAPE is (I have the feeling when you say outsider you mean it as more than just a creature type). Is he an ooze (rather formless), or is he back to being rather humanoid again?

When I read what he's doing I think of the Amoeba Boys in the Powerpuff Girls, which is a funny, if inaccurate, image.

Still baffled that some one named Clambake can be so unfunny.

Anyway, good job.

He's no longer oozey. I think he gained some height, too, so he's an overtall feathery yummy-smelling whip-armed silvery (I believe) semi-halflingish type of thing. ( Actually, interestingly, he still has the halfling subtype now that I think of it... hm, wonder how that would interact with a ranger's favored enemy? Outsider (halfling)... hmmm...)

Clambake's humor comes from his gruff dwarfisms combined with his Captain America shield-throwing; I haven't really caught a lot of his stuff, but we played these games months ago. He gets a fun subplot coming up here soon with the Captain Clambake thingy... but we'll get there soon enough.

And thanks for the kind words!

 

[the Jester]

What happens when you plug this in here?

Here you go... the conclusion of Game #486, in which things go horribly awry for our heroes!

By the way, you ever notice how if, as a dm, you need a lever pulled, a button pushed, a door opened, a binding sundered, etc, you can really count on pcs to do it for you?

Anyway, on with the story......




The ship is fascinating to explore. There is a lot of space in it; it’s huge, and the party has by now seen the huge boiler-like area where the crystals that fuel the ship are fed in. In fact, they helped Titus load it up. The control panel that they tampered with they have left alone; but one thing that has caught the party’s eyes is a single crystal control rod that is unlike the rest. It has two prongs coming out of it rather than being shaped like a long needle. Neither they, nor Titus, have yet seen a place to plug it in. It’s about the biggest adventure they can find on board; there are hundreds of the copper bugs, but all are inert.

Titus remains distant, often being absent except for meal times. He is learning his ship- trying to find out its capabilities and how to control them.

One day, while exploring the bowels of the vessel, Sith, Bolfol and Horbin find a strange panel with two adjacent depressions in it. Shaped differently from most of the plugs on the ship, they look tailored to the mysterious two pronged crystal control rod. Could the mystery be solved at last?

The three adventurers clamber up ladders, crawl through small passages, and walk through metal hallways, finally reaching the control panel. There, on the floor in a heap of other unused control rods, is the two-pronged plug. “Should we talk to Titus first?” Bolfol suggests.

But this is one of the times when Titus isn’t around; his gear hounds guard his inner sanctuaries, and they don’t seem to understand when people talk to them. The three have no way to reach him.

“Oh well,” Sith says cheerfully. “We tried.”

The three adventurers, demonstrating their collective wisdom, take the mysterious two-pronged crystal control rod back down to the chamber with the panel with the plug it looks like is made for it. The walls of the room are lined with a strange copper metal. Bolfol, Sith and Horbin cluster around the panel. Sith holds the plug, and gingerly inserts it.

Immediately, there’s a distant but LOUD noise. And lights go on.

Lots of them.

The orcish necromancer tries to pull it out, but the rod, once inserted, seems to be pretty set on staying put. So he buffs himself with a bull’s strength and tries again, to no avail.

Then there’s the sound of hatches opening everywhere and sudden activity...

The bugs have animated.

The party bursts into action. A door seals them in with a hiss. Over a dozen of the little bugs are pouring in to the chamber with them. Most are copper but one is gold and several are silver. There is the smell of ozone as the gold one fires a bolt of coruscating lightning into the three adventurers. The two silver bugs are firing little missiles at Horbin. The party strikes, whirls, smashes; Sith destroys the gold construct with the chain he took from the mistress of chains. A silver one pops a spinning sawblade on Horbin, but he adeptly parries it and strikes back. In less than a minute the clockwork bugs in the area with them are destroyed.

But the lights are on, everywhere, and the noises! It sounds like something exploded somewhere, and the ship feels like it’s shrinking. And the thought of fighting all the hundreds or thousands of clockwork bugs they’ve seen makes their stomachs shrink. The three move as quickly as they can back towards the main deck, and they go only a hundred feet before encountering a marching line of scores of the copper horrors. But the bugs ignore them, so rather than attacking them and perhaps drawing attention, the three characters simply beat feet.

On the deck, all is chaos. It’s all kinds of foggy, but clearly the water level has risen significantly relative to the deck in just the few moments since the rod was plugged in. Yes, mom, the ship is sinking. And let’s not forget about the bugs! And what blew up, anyway? But hey, at times like this, what’s an adventurer to do? Outnumbered thousands to three, with drowning coming up soon- and boy, won’t that huge, huge, ship make some kind of whirlpool or something when it goes down?- things look dark for our heroes.

But never underestimate the gods! Praying fervently to Dexter that there’s somewhere close enough to reach, Horbin casts water walk on everyone he can find. And water breathing. Sith casts fly so he doesn’t even need to worry about it. The ship is going down, no joke here... hope everyone made it off! But boy it’s foggy right now, and where are we going now, anyway?



Next time: a couple of new friends and so much wisdom damage it hurts!