What are the Guards Doing?

[Unwise]

Hi folks, I just wanted to start a resource here that GMs can refer back to. I have found over the years, that when PCs enter a room or stumble across some guards, it really adds to the game immensely to have the guards doing something believable but mildly interesting. There is nothing more boring than "You see a room with four guards in it". Why are they there? What are they doing? To that end, I want to make a list of interesting (and sometimes slightly comical) things that the guards can be doing. if you have ever spent time in an army barracks, you will know that soldiers always find interesting ways to occupy themselves.

1) The Penis Game
The guards are in close proximity to the VIP, it works best in a formal environment, like a throne room. One of them say "Penis" in a soft voice. The next then says it slightly louder. The next says it slightly louder again etc. The loser is the guy that chickens out and refuses to say it even louder. My PCs found it hilarious to prestidigitation a booming "PEEENNIIIISSS" making it sound like it came from the last guy. The BBEGs reaction was priceless too.

2) The Drill Sargent
The scene from Full Metal Jacket is playing out. The leader is berating the guards for their lack of awareness and discipline. He keeps dropping funny insults or unintentional innuendos, maybe with a funny speech patterns/impediment/vocabulary that belies the severity of his threats.. The poor soldiers are trying not to crack up laughing. Those that do are viciously punished. Ironically, his berating of them for not paying attention has them at disadvantage to see the PCs sneaking up. The sergeant will critically fail any perception checks and beat any soldier that steps out of line or tries to tell him about the PCs sneaking up.

3) Existential Orcs
Two guards are standing there, discussing the meaning of it all. "Do you ever wonder why we are here?"
"Are we pillaging the humans by our own free will or are we just slaves to the dark whims of our creator? Is our whole existence just some cruel joke played upon the rest of the world by a mad god? What if I wanted to be a dancer? Could I do it? I mean, I don't want to be a dancer, but is that my choice? Or was I just made to prefer smashing human skulls? I do love it, don't get me wrong, but was it my choice?

4) Are We the Bad Guys?
Two or more guards talking "Hey guys, have you ever noticed the amount of skulls on our uniforms? Any idea why our armour is all painted black? It just has me a little worried you know. I mean, is it possible that we are the bad guys? I mean, the people of Avalorn have noble eagles and rearing unicorns and stuff on their heraldry. We have a skull eating a smaller skull, what is that anyway? Is that a baby skull? Why are we dressing all in black with skulls and flames and stuff, shouldn't we dress like heroes? For reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uK-kWRAVmRU

5) The Ghost Story
A skilled tale teller is regaling the guards with the horrible story of the local ghost. He is really good and the audience in enraptured. They are all at disadvantage to fear checks, but not perception as they are jumpy now. Are your PCs creative enough to use this to their advantage? If the PCs listen long enough, unbeknownst to them, they get some good knowledge about the very real ghost in this area. The bad news is, they also get disadvantage to fear checks when it suddenly reveals itself later.

6) Good Diagnosis
The guard on point is talking to his friend, telling him that he just got the results back from the doctor, he does not have a cancer on his liver, he is going to live after all. He is so relieved, he is near tears. "I'm going to live, thank the gods, I am going to live!". Dark humour ensues.

7) Retiring, Buying the Farm and Marrying that Girl
One guy is talking about how he is two weeks from retirement and can't wait. The other is talking about how after his tour is over he is going to settle down and ask Mary-Lou to marry him. Are the PCs compassionate enough to forgo fulfilling a TV Trope?

8) Forbidden Love
One dwarf adjusts his mail "Thorin, I see the way you look at me sometimes...You know, there are not a lot of female dwarves...These mines are deep, they hold many secrets…yes sirree...what happens in the mines stays in the mines..."

Please contribute any interesting situations you have used or plan to use in the future. I think this could be a fun resource for GMs. I'll post more later I hope.

 

[Hand of Evil]

I have always made them reflect their alignment, environment, and boss.

Alignment:
Lawful are the worst, they are the elite guards and take their job very extreme, they know the risk of failure. They don't play or joke around.
Chaotic, are less effective as they will be easily distracted. You find them playing dive games, doing stuff, carving, humming, miming action poses, smoking, etc..
Neutral are a mixed bag, they may or may not take the role seriously.

Environment: this comes down to danger level. The greater the danger level, the more serious the guard is about the job. This tops alignment as this is about survival.

Boss: This is like environment but when the cat is away, alignment takes over.

 

[fireinthedust]

I... this is great. "Are... are we bad guys?" "Nah, we're punk rock, right?"

 

[Razjah]

I vary descriptions by genre and mood. Sometimes the guards are functionally robots because what the guards are doing is less important than there simply being guards. Other times I vary descriptors to match things I am hoping to have the players/PCs be concerned about. If the PCs are heroes and paragons of virtue, the guards may be discussing preferred tools for disemboweling a prisoner. Other times, I've had guards discuss their plans for retirement to draw sympathy from the PCs or players.

 

[Unwise]

Thanks for the suggestions. I tend to do the same things, my players fear disciplined guards far more than chaotic ones. I like to have the guards behavior show a kink in their armor so to speak. A good perception roll will reveal that even the good guards are too orderly and they tend to look the same way at the same time etc. Alternatively, the guards are jumpy about something, so the PCs might be able to distract/scare them easier. Sometimes the PCs have neither the time, ability nor inclination to take advantage of the situation, but it remains an option.

Looking back, my earlier examples were most of the humorous ones from play, but maybe some more sedate and tactical ones might be worth including.

9) Big Bullies
The guards are badly mistreating one of their number, it looks like it might even end fatally. The tormented guard won't join in the fight and it will be quiet easy to persuade him to defect or at least he has no remaining loyalty to the other guards.

10) Something Beat Us to it.
Finding a bunch of dead guards, either stabbed in the back or while asleep, or recoiling in terror works very well for foreboding an upcoming enemy or competitor. Inter-tribal warfare amongst orcs, another hitman trying to take the PCs contract, or a horror awakened from the depths below, it can apply to most settings.

11) The Gods Must be Crazy
The guards have found a mechanical or magical item well above their understanding. They are arguing over what to do with it, or over who should possess it. Some thing it is cursed and should be left alone, others want to wield its power. Troglodytes fighting over a gnomish zippo lighter, degenerate hillbillies arguing over what to do with the radioactive power core from the alien vessel, etc.

12) The Boss Will Never Know
The guards are considering nicking off on their duty to do something fun. This could be to go to the roof and drink some rum, get some call girls in, or in the case of monsters, eat a prisoner they are not meant to. Will the PCs wait for them to clear out? Can they influence the decision one way or another?

 

[MarkB]

Adventurers pros and cons.
One guard is talking about how he wants to quit the guarding business and go into adventuring, because those guys earn so much more money, have more interesting lives and get to help folks too.

His companion keeps rebutting his points with talk about how adventurers go around arbitrarily killing people they've never met, the lack of job security, and the poor long-term survival rates.

 

[MarkB]

The Misattributed Deeds
It seems that the party have become famous - or infamous. They come upon a group of guards telling heavily-embellished tales of their exploits. But wait, something's not quite right with the tale - wasn't it Helgrim rather than Elbaren who did that great acrobatic trick to slay the dire sloth? And surely it was Valgar rather than Giselle who was responsible for that unfortunate fireball / orphanage incident?

Play it up right, and you should have half the party wanting to kick in the door right away and explain in excruciating detail that the guards are getting the story wrong, while the other half want to hold them back in order to hear more about 'their' exploits.