Wik
First Post
(Note: I'm not regularly much into posting personal stuff on this site. It does seem a bit angsty and dramatic at times, and I don't usually roll that way. But sometimes, you get more information from people you don't know, than people who know you and might not want to hurt your feelings, etc. And I generally respect the opinions of many people on this site, and it doesn't really hurt to use anonymous people as a sounding board, at least. But I digress.)
So, situation:
You are a male in your late twenties. You are a generally well-adjusted individual, honest, have been in a few relationships that have mostly ended amicably, and get along well with others for the most part. You have been single for approximately six months, by choice.
You have a friendship with someone you get along with amazingly. You know exactly what she's going to say before she says it, and you are always on the same wavelength. When you hang out, everyone assumes the two of you are dating (which might not be that unusual, society what it is, except EVERYONE assumes it, even people who know you well. Like your parents.) We will name this girl Leela, because she loves Futurama.
Leela, however, is engaged. She is in a long-term relationship, and is engaged primarily so she can get a visa to the United States, because apparently those things are hard to get sometimes. She is not sure this relationship is going to work out, for reasons we will not go into here, but she wants to wait until she's there in person before making a judgement call, and because despite a big mistake her fiance made, she does love the guy. After all, it's a possibility the distance between them is what caused the relationship to sour.
Of course, you have a thing for Leela. Why wouldn't you? But she is engaged, and while you have little respect for the guy (neither do any of Leela's other friends), you will not try to get her to break that engagement. You know Leela has to see this through. You just hope that it resolves well for her, even if it winds up causing you pain.
For what it's worth, Leela knows that she would be dating you if she wasn't engaged. She has told you this. The connection is really strong, and you have both discussed this (at length) and know it to be true. Leela isn't stupid, or maniuplative, or any of that crap that people on the outside might assume from reading this. But this thread isn't really about Leela. It's about you.
Anyways. You have feelings for Leela, but you know it's not going to go in the direction you want it to - not for a year at least, and possibly not ever. You don't like those odds, and you started looking around, half-heartedly. You didn't really expect it to work, and you were mostly doing it to find a way to help yourself not like Leela so much. And, let's be honest, to make Leela a little jealous, which is immature, but you're a guy, and immaturity is what comes naturally.
Anyways, you sort of accidentally found someone who has many of the things you're looking for. You get along with her well enough, although at the moment, you're in the "learning things about each other" phase, and haven't really hung out alone yet (you mostly talk via email chats, right now). We will name her Kaylee, because she likes Firefly. She's a pretty sweet girl, and you know that, if you had met Kaylee a year ago, you'd be very excited about pursuing something further with her.
However, your mind is crowded with thoughts about Leela, because, well, you've NEVER had a connection like that before. And you have had "Kaylee" level connections in the past, and some of them have been pretty nice, but they are nothing like the one you have with Leela (and had from the day you met her). Kaylee seems to like you enough the few times you've met, and is interested in maybe going on a few dates to explore your connection.
If you were to strike up a relationship with Kaylee, at the very least, it could help kill your feelings for Leela, which at this point, are not exactly something you want. They are really just counter-productive and sort of painful. It'd be much easier if you and Leela could look at each other as friends, and not as something else that isn't really in the cards right now.
Leela wants you to pursue this relationship, because she knows it'd be healthier for you, and because she thinks it might help her get rid of her own feelings for you, which are also pretty damn strong. But you think, because of your current feelings for Leela, that any relationship with Kaylee is bound to fail.
Here's the ethical question: Should you pursue something with Kaylee, even though you have very strong feelings for someone else (who also has strong feelings for you)? Is it right to go after someone only because you are unable to get to the person you'd prefer? Can you use Kaylee to get over your feelings for Leela, and if you can, under what circumstances? If you do end things with Kaylee, how should you go about doing it?
***
I'm going to give a spoiler here. This is a post about me.
I'm thinking I need to cut off things with "Kaylee", before she gets caught in a crossfire of what is really an unfortunate love triangle. My own friends have been pretty supportive of how I've been dealing with this, and will all agree that my weird half-relationship with "Leela" is amazingly close. My mom's met her twice, and despite the messed-up nature of Leela's engagement, my mom wants her to stay around.
I can give more details if you ask, but I won't go into specifics on anybody except myself.
I maybe shouldn't have even started talking to Kaylee, but now that I have, how do I deal with it?
So, situation:
You are a male in your late twenties. You are a generally well-adjusted individual, honest, have been in a few relationships that have mostly ended amicably, and get along well with others for the most part. You have been single for approximately six months, by choice.
You have a friendship with someone you get along with amazingly. You know exactly what she's going to say before she says it, and you are always on the same wavelength. When you hang out, everyone assumes the two of you are dating (which might not be that unusual, society what it is, except EVERYONE assumes it, even people who know you well. Like your parents.) We will name this girl Leela, because she loves Futurama.
Leela, however, is engaged. She is in a long-term relationship, and is engaged primarily so she can get a visa to the United States, because apparently those things are hard to get sometimes. She is not sure this relationship is going to work out, for reasons we will not go into here, but she wants to wait until she's there in person before making a judgement call, and because despite a big mistake her fiance made, she does love the guy. After all, it's a possibility the distance between them is what caused the relationship to sour.
Of course, you have a thing for Leela. Why wouldn't you? But she is engaged, and while you have little respect for the guy (neither do any of Leela's other friends), you will not try to get her to break that engagement. You know Leela has to see this through. You just hope that it resolves well for her, even if it winds up causing you pain.
For what it's worth, Leela knows that she would be dating you if she wasn't engaged. She has told you this. The connection is really strong, and you have both discussed this (at length) and know it to be true. Leela isn't stupid, or maniuplative, or any of that crap that people on the outside might assume from reading this. But this thread isn't really about Leela. It's about you.
Anyways. You have feelings for Leela, but you know it's not going to go in the direction you want it to - not for a year at least, and possibly not ever. You don't like those odds, and you started looking around, half-heartedly. You didn't really expect it to work, and you were mostly doing it to find a way to help yourself not like Leela so much. And, let's be honest, to make Leela a little jealous, which is immature, but you're a guy, and immaturity is what comes naturally.
Anyways, you sort of accidentally found someone who has many of the things you're looking for. You get along with her well enough, although at the moment, you're in the "learning things about each other" phase, and haven't really hung out alone yet (you mostly talk via email chats, right now). We will name her Kaylee, because she likes Firefly. She's a pretty sweet girl, and you know that, if you had met Kaylee a year ago, you'd be very excited about pursuing something further with her.
However, your mind is crowded with thoughts about Leela, because, well, you've NEVER had a connection like that before. And you have had "Kaylee" level connections in the past, and some of them have been pretty nice, but they are nothing like the one you have with Leela (and had from the day you met her). Kaylee seems to like you enough the few times you've met, and is interested in maybe going on a few dates to explore your connection.
If you were to strike up a relationship with Kaylee, at the very least, it could help kill your feelings for Leela, which at this point, are not exactly something you want. They are really just counter-productive and sort of painful. It'd be much easier if you and Leela could look at each other as friends, and not as something else that isn't really in the cards right now.
Leela wants you to pursue this relationship, because she knows it'd be healthier for you, and because she thinks it might help her get rid of her own feelings for you, which are also pretty damn strong. But you think, because of your current feelings for Leela, that any relationship with Kaylee is bound to fail.
Here's the ethical question: Should you pursue something with Kaylee, even though you have very strong feelings for someone else (who also has strong feelings for you)? Is it right to go after someone only because you are unable to get to the person you'd prefer? Can you use Kaylee to get over your feelings for Leela, and if you can, under what circumstances? If you do end things with Kaylee, how should you go about doing it?
***
I'm going to give a spoiler here. This is a post about me.
I'm thinking I need to cut off things with "Kaylee", before she gets caught in a crossfire of what is really an unfortunate love triangle. My own friends have been pretty supportive of how I've been dealing with this, and will all agree that my weird half-relationship with "Leela" is amazingly close. My mom's met her twice, and despite the messed-up nature of Leela's engagement, my mom wants her to stay around. I can give more details if you ask, but I won't go into specifics on anybody except myself.
I maybe shouldn't have even started talking to Kaylee, but now that I have, how do I deal with it?
