I am trying to play a game with my friends and we all want to have fun. So we work together to make sure we all have fun, and we can't have fun if we can't trust each other or if we go all Lord of the Flies on each other. When you're in the field, you need societal rules even more, because you have no one else to rely on other than the other PCs.
That reliance isn't born of societal rules, it's born of sheer self-preservation in the face of common peril and the realization that there's strength in numbers.
The only reason your games don't fall apart is for completely meta reasons, because you know it's a group game and not a solo game--in reality, you're not going to go fight the lich-queen with someone you can't trust not to steal from you or stab you in the back.
In theory, yes. In practice, when Joe the Fighter is known to be a cheating thieving bastard who'd rip your heart out if it made him a few g.p. and yet he's the best sword in the region, you're gonna suck it up and recruit him to help against the lich queen...keeping a close eye on hm all the while...because your party is simply more effective with him than without him, and you know it.
And as I said, that is a bad thing to do because it takes agency away from those other players.
Rime, my chaotic neutral rogue, often does stupid things. Put a button in her path and she'll push it. The DM loves her because they can guarantee I'll find the plot that way. The other players try to reason with her as to why not to do certain things, and it often works. But the idea of charming her into obediance is anathema to the rest of the party because mind-control is pretty evil. And no, we don't charm NPCs either for exactly that same reason.
We neither see nor flag mind control as evil, and nor does the game as written (in any edition). It's just another tool in the box, and often considerably less harmful to the target than the alternatives, as in:
--- we need to get info from this prisoner
now; we can torture him and later kill him, or just kill him now and cast lots of
Speak With Deads, or charm him and later let him go.
--- we need to rein in this otherwise-useful guy's gonzo stupidities; we can charm him and keep him around, or we can stand back and watch him kill himself while hoping he doesn't drag the rest of us down with him.
--- we've got this Orc who surrendered to us; we can kill her now, or haul her around as a captive, or charm her and let her help us.
And here you are reducing a PC to a mere tool, rather than as a person.
If I'm in a party and we're considering what new recruits to bring in then yes, I'm approaching it like a sports team manager: who best fits what we need, and-or who best fills the gaps in our current lineup.
Rime isn't in the party because of her skills as a thief, since she has none besides stealth (Int was her dump stat and many rogue skills in 5e are Int-based; she's a swashbuckler, who rely on Dex and Cha); she's part of the party because she is friend and ally to the other characters. We have nobody who can search for traps with any reliability.
Were I in that game I'd have us go out and recruit an NPC Rogue or Thief to fill that gap, along with that of dealing with locks.
Cool that she's a swashbuckler though; I've long thought there's room for a dedicated swashvuckler class in the game but have yet to design it.
We have NPCs with the party because we have befriended them or because they're part of our backstories, not because we hired them for a role.
Some party NPCs come in due to friendship, others for story reasons, and others because they're hired. The party I'm running has at the moment three NPC Orcs working for them - all were enemies who surrendered to the party and got taken in as henches - plus a recruited full-character Thief brought in because they didn't otherwise have any stealth at all, plus an unclassed sex-trade worker (a camp follower of an enemy army) they took prisoner as they didn't know what else to do with her and who has since shown some nascent potential as a future adventurer.
Odds are high to extreme that none of these NPCs will be with the party after this adventure ends, though. The Orcs will be repatriated to their clans, the Thief is long since fed up with this crew and can't wait to leave (and may or may not rip them off on her way out, that's still TBD), and she'll probably end up taking the prisoner with her and try to get her into the Thieving trade.
We've had games where a PC has not been able to become friend and ally to the characters for whatever reason--typically goals or personality too different--and each time, the player had chosen to have PC leave and then made a character who could work with the group. But this is very rare, since we all find a reason to work together.
We've had characters leave parties for similar reasons. We've also had more stubborn characters stay in and keep arguing.
And usually the overriding reason to work together comes down to realizing two things: the whole of a well-rounded party is greater than the sum of its parts, and the "ka-ching" payoff is better.
Yes, they're truly employees. But no, because while the boss can order the secretary around, the secretary's player can choose whether or not they are going to obey, and the secretary's player can have a discussion with the boss's player if the boss is getting out of hand with their demands. Because we understand that things like one PC being abusive to another is as much a player issue as it is a character issue, because it involves a player making the choice to act that way. There's no such thing as "it's what my character would do." Your characters are not separate entities over whom you have no control. If they're jerks, it's because you made them that way.
I greatly prefer that in-character problems and disagreements be solved in-character. The moment it spills over to the table, that's when the real problems begin.
So here, if the boss is being too pushy it's on the secretary to push back in-character, or to go on strike, or to quit the job. No table discussion needed, just play the characters true to themselves and let the chips fall where they may.
But switch from that sort of game. Let's pretend we're talking about game where you're in a chain of command. A military game, or something like Star Trek. The players are still choosing to play in that dynamic. Because it's a group game where the goal is for everyone to have fun, having the captain or commander PC abuse their relationship with the other PCs because they're in charge means that there's a good chance that the other PCs aren't having fun.
A military game is a different animal; and would indeed require some players to be willing to allow other players to, in effect, order their characters around. Most players IME would be fine with this dynamic for the very short term (as in, a one-off game or a very short closed-ended campaign) but none would go for it in anything intended ot be long-term: we're all just too chaotic.
Because they're PCs, and I'm not going to force other players not play their characters. This is what you need to understand, and you seem to refuse to do that.
Which means you're allowing metagame concerns to trump your being true to your character; and while I do understand the motivations and rationale behind this, it's still - along with pretty much any other metagaming - not something I want to see in a game.