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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Rune" data-source="post: 7503857" data-attributes="member: 67">Round 1, Match 3: Imhotepthewise vs. CleverNickNameI usually read each entry I’m judging a minimum of three times. I’ve read these somewhat more. And I’m still not sure if I’m missing something. One of these entries seems pretty incomplete – to the point where I’m having trouble even identifying the ingredients within it. The other is...confusing in other ways. Where should I begin?Let’s look at the shape of the adventures.Imhotepthewise gives us “The Well of the Water of Life.” I’ll refer to it as “Well,” from now on. This starts out with an excellent hook that is very easy to place in front of the PCs and evokes perhaps the most universal of player motivations: curiosity. Added to that, the adventure as presented could pretty easily work with different genres. I can totally see it play out as a western, for instance. Unfortunately, the structural problems start to creep in almost immediately. The piece is peppered with assumptions about the PCs that may seem pretty minor (little things like their knowledge of the unnamed mother’s home or their attitudes on the journey). These aren’t much of a problem individually and can certainly be adjusted on the fly. Collectively, however, they somewhat undercut the applicability of the very well-executed hook and, in some cases, limit the players’ options. The basic skeleton of the adventure is both solid and intriguing. But the presentation makes it feel more linear than it actually really is beneath the surface. Unfortunately, a lot of words were spent on setting up a mystery that is a distraction from the adventure (and frankly, a much more interesting thread than the mundane plot is on its own). That, along with the background, accounts for most of the body of the piece. And that creates the sense that there isn’t really much for the PCs to do, other than go along for the ride. Even when the PCs are set up to do some exciting and game-relevant things, almost nothing is offered to help the DM incorporate it into the adventure. Which is crazy, because this entry had 75 unused words to spare for fleshing out these things that really needed fleshing out!But there is something more egregious that’s bugging me. Remember that very interesting mystery presented at the beginning? Why – and how – are mother and baby turning invisible? We never find out! The DM had better figure something out, because the players are definitely going to want to know!Meanwhile, CleverNickName’s “One Soul’s Ransom” (“Ransom”) takes us in another direction. It begins with a specific and circumstantial hook, but not a particularly unlikely one. Additionally, the challenges of the adventure are not necessarily related to party level – unless the party chooses to fight a bunch of coloxus (coloxi?) – which is a good thing, given the nature of the hook. Some of those challenges are left pretty vague and some seem to rely a little too heavily on dice rolls for my tastes. But that’s a play-style preference, not a flaw in the structure. Actually, the flow of the adventure is pretty good throughout, although I really would have liked more than a brief mention of the search for the soul, since that is likely to be a large chunk of the adventure. My...confusion comes out of the appropriation choices. D&D has a long and varied history of taking inspiration from many sources and deriving many of its elements from those sources. Usually, those elements change from their originating sources. Sometimes they change a lot and in very big ways. Fundamentally, “Ransom” is following right along in those footsteps, which is not a problem. What I haven’t been able to wrap my head around is why it makes the choices that it does. Well, one in particular. It all comes down to Purgatory. In “Ransom,” Purgatory is a kind of lesser Hell where souls go to languish. The transactional nature of the freeing of a soul (requiring a replacement, no less!) reinforces this and the devils who run and fill it enforce it. If it were named almost anything else, things would work fine for the adventure, but this one choice brings so many questions to the fore that might otherwise have gone unnoticed. Let me back up a moment. It’s actually not a bad strategy to evoke the readers’ knowledge of real-world sources to reduce the burden of exposition, especially when you are fighting a tight word-count limit. Beelzebub does this effectively. What we expect from the name is pretty much what we get. When you go in the opposite direction, though, you end up fighting against that efficiency. Which is what we have with “Ransom” and its Hellish Purgatory. I am, of course, going to be overly-simplistic in speaking, here, but I don’t know any better way to approach this subject in the very limited context of contrast with this one IRON DM entry.In the real-world tradition-version, Purgatory is a place defined by its purpose. It is where Heaven-bound souls must go to be purged of the sins accrued in life so they can even get into Heaven (since, if Heaven could have sin in it, it wouldn’t be Heaven). Purgatory isn’t Heaven, but it is aligned with it. Being there isn’t comfortable and it isn’t likely to be quick – it can’t be in order to fulfill it’s function. One thing it definitely does not have – can’t have – is a bunch of devils running around (much less actually in charge). Because if it did, it simply could not fulfill its function. That’s all well and good, but so what? The “Ransom” version of Purgatory is different, but what’s the big deal?The better question is, what’s the purpose? If “Ransom” had called it pretty much anything else, I might not have even considered it, but introducing the contrast focused my attention to another curious contrast. Where the real-world tradition-version of Purgatory is defined by its purpose, the “Ransom” version appears to have none at all. And once that floodgate is open, the questions come pouring out. Why is Beelzebub in this place? Why is he trading souls? Why are souls getting trapped by a faulty raise dead incantation? Was Beelzebub responsible? How? These are big questions and, while some of them might still come up anyway, at least a few would have implied answers if the setting was actually Hell. Enough of that, though. Let’s get to the ingredients.Normally, I would do a point-by-point contrast between the two entries, but I’m having real difficulties with even identifying the ingredients in “Well.” I’m pretty sure half of them aren’t there, at all. It would probably be best if I explore what is actually present seperately. Even these require some squinting. Pressing Deadline probably best references the imminent birth, although calling it a “deadline” would be a bit of a stretch. Other possibilities could include the husband’s expected return, or...maybe the point at which mother and children starve?Time Flies during the pursuit, I suppose, but there doesn’t seem to be any kind of emphasis on it. If anything, the pace of the adventure seems to want to focus more on stretching time out. Which would seem to dovetail with the Interminable Wait, but there doesn’t really seem to be much waiting going on. The mother is waiting for the father when the PCs meet her, but that’s done with when the adventure starts. There doesn’t seem to be any waiting while everybody is on the move. The PCs are too busy to wait while the mother is in labor. And she’s certainly busy at the time!And then there’s Unscripted Revelation. This must refer to the big invisibility mystery that never gets answered. That’s very meta and it’s very clever. It’s also something that I completely missed the first half-dozen or so read-throughs. And, as it happens, by its very nature, something that holds no relevance to the adventure. But very clever. I don’t see any hint of Wishing Well anywhere but the title and that doesn’t really tell me anything. And Saving Throw? I wanted to see the part that talks about the baby charming the PCs call for a saving throw. It might have been a pretty weak use of the ingredient, but it would have been funny. Instead, nothing. “Ransom” is mostly pretty solid across the board with its ingredients. The Wishing Well scene is evocative and works pretty well (except for the saving throw – but I’ll get to that). I personally would rather have seen the scenario presented as a type of puzzle than ultimately just hinging on the dice, but it’s functional. The Unscripted Revelation (the lost ending) was presumably once scripted (before it was lost to history), but it works. It’s certainly nowhere as clever as the one in “Well,” but, on the other hand, it’s far more relevant to the adventure. I was a bit disappointed with Time Flies. I was hoping to see at least one entry provide a cool new creature-type. I almost got that with “Ransom,” bu I can’t figure out what they actually do. Oh, Coloxus are some sort of Pathfinder monsters aren’t they? Probably in D&D somewhere, too. Wait, aren’t they demons? Why are they working for a devil? No, nevermind. I’m not going down that rabbit-hole again. Then there’s the Saving Throw. We actually sort of get two. The first, most important one to the adventure is meant to keep the dead PC dead. But it isn’t even a real saving throw! Later, at the portal, the party is meant to make Wisdom saves to determine if their previous interactions worked. As this is entirely proactive on the part of the characters, ability checks seem better suited. Even better, no rolls at all! Why give them a chance to fail when they’ve already figured out the way forward?Okay. Enough of that. I’ve saved the best two for last because I want to talk about how well they play against each other. The Pressing Deadline, the 10-day window for raise dead, is a solid, immediately relevant, and looming threat that cannot be ignored. And, even though I still don’t know why the Interminable Wait happens to the souls in the first place, the fact that it does means that the deadline must create a tension with it that forms the backbone of the adventure. Superb. Wrapping up.Imhotepthewise, I liked the kernel of your adventure. And I loved the hook. I really wish I could see the version of this that exists in the alternate world where your time didn’t get cut short, because the actual adventure probably wouldn’t need much polishing to get it to run very well. The ingredients though. They needed a lot more attention than you were able to give them. This has got to be a frustrating judgement to read. It’s been tough enough to write. But I’ve seen what you’re capable of when the stars line up and I look forward to seeing what you give us in your next attempt. When you do, consider trying to prioritize working on your ingredients a little higher just in case real life intervenes again. This time, CleverNickName advances to Round 2.</blockquote>

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