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<blockquote data-quote="hawkeyefan" data-source="post: 7505044" data-attributes="member: 6785785"><p>Wow, I’m surprised by the result. Even more surprised after reading [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION]’s breakdown! </p><p></p><p>I knew I had some clunky sentences in there. I think that ultimately, the issues with my entry were due to the need to heavily revise it to get it to fit within the word count. Most of the problems Deuce mentions were the result of hasty editing to get the job done on time and under the word limit.</p><p></p><p>The history of the region was more elaborate, including the Mind of Mab being used in times past. The Duke and the sheriff were a bit more present, and Dimble and Primley, the two gnomes, were more fleshed out. Banderhobb’s goal was clearer; there were more rules about how the Mind of Mab works, and he would basically use it to lead the humans to the Crossing to the Feywild, where they’d be taken by Unseelie fey. </p><p></p><p>As I was writing, I knew I was going to be over, but I kept going, figuring that I could edit things down reasonably. But instead I feel that each part of the whole was diminished, leaving an adventure that was far more linear than intended, and NPCs and a location that were only hinted at instead of fully realized.</p><p></p><p> [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION] one thing about my use of “Lanks” as the command word...yes, it was a derogatory term and so was offensive in that manner, but it was the means by which Banderhobb would attack the humans, and so was offensive in that way, as well. Not sure if that makes the connection to the eldritch wonder any better in your eyes, but figured I’d mention it.</p><p></p><p>Needless to say, I think I learned a valuable lesson, and I hope to put forth a better showing in the second round. </p><p></p><p> [MENTION=6857996]LongGoneWrier[/MENTION] thanks for the kind words. I liked your entry a lot, and agree with Deuce that your writing was stronger.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hawkeyefan, post: 7505044, member: 6785785"] Wow, I’m surprised by the result. Even more surprised after reading [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION]’s breakdown! I knew I had some clunky sentences in there. I think that ultimately, the issues with my entry were due to the need to heavily revise it to get it to fit within the word count. Most of the problems Deuce mentions were the result of hasty editing to get the job done on time and under the word limit. The history of the region was more elaborate, including the Mind of Mab being used in times past. The Duke and the sheriff were a bit more present, and Dimble and Primley, the two gnomes, were more fleshed out. Banderhobb’s goal was clearer; there were more rules about how the Mind of Mab works, and he would basically use it to lead the humans to the Crossing to the Feywild, where they’d be taken by Unseelie fey. As I was writing, I knew I was going to be over, but I kept going, figuring that I could edit things down reasonably. But instead I feel that each part of the whole was diminished, leaving an adventure that was far more linear than intended, and NPCs and a location that were only hinted at instead of fully realized. [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION] one thing about my use of “Lanks” as the command word...yes, it was a derogatory term and so was offensive in that manner, but it was the means by which Banderhobb would attack the humans, and so was offensive in that way, as well. Not sure if that makes the connection to the eldritch wonder any better in your eyes, but figured I’d mention it. Needless to say, I think I learned a valuable lesson, and I hope to put forth a better showing in the second round. [MENTION=6857996]LongGoneWrier[/MENTION] thanks for the kind words. I liked your entry a lot, and agree with Deuce that your writing was stronger. [/QUOTE]
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