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2019 IRON DM Tournament
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<blockquote data-quote="Gradine" data-source="post: 7826731" data-attributes="member: 57112"><p>A note from future Gradine: This judgment is going to come across as probably a little harsh. I have endeavoured to be tough but fair, and I hope that my criticisms prove to be constructive. Neither entry could be called bad... but there was quite a bit of room for improvement in both cases, and I hope that you find what follows helpful.</p><p></p><p><strong><em>Rules and Readability</em></strong></p><p></p><p>At first glance, I had concerns for both entries in regards to length. Wisdon Seeker's "Ship for City" (hereafter "Ship") opted to include descriptions of each ingredient along with the ingredient list. While the ingredients themselves are not included in the official word count, these descriptions were, and I worried that the overall entry would be over 750. As it turns out, the official count for the whole entry came a hair under at 749, and a much roomier 724 with the ingredient names, title and subtitle removed. Ultimately, those descriptions ran about 106 words, and I'm not sure how helpful they were; nearly every ingredient use seemed fairly straightforward, with one subtle and clever exception, and on balance you might have been better served using those 100+ words to flesh the meat of the adventure out further. The entry is, overall, well-formatted and laid out. The five-room "dungeon" structure gets a bit of a workout here, but we'll get into that on the next point.</p><p></p><p>ajanders' "Untitled" also struck me as a little too long at first glance. This actually bore out; the official word count clocks in at 804. As such, I had to delete the last 54 words of the entry sight unseen. "- The party must make three checks, ideally using Persuasion. Bluff may be used, but any failure ends" is the cutoff point for the entry; I have not read anything after this point of the entry and will not until after I have posted the judgment. We will hope that this is not the deal breaker. The entry also suffers from a bit of a disorganization, particularly a lack of helpful headers, and with the numerous errors it was clear that this was at least one editting pass away from being a complete entry. Submitted as it was at literally the last possible minute, I have to assume that time ended up being an issue. Again, it's possible that on balance you might have been better served taking the extra 59 minutes and 75-word loss to tighten this up a bit more. </p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong><em>Adventure Flow & Potential</em></strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p>This is my subjective "what did I generally like/dislike about the adventures" section of the judgment. I'll start again with "Ship". This is a fairly linear adventure, though unlike some I don't consider "linear" a four-letter word when it comes to adventure design. As long as there some room for the PCs to stretch out their legs and find creative solutions to problems. The issue is I'm not sure that exists here in too great of quantity. Once the PCs find Garfin's body it's a pretty straight shot to the climax and the (somewhat unsatisfying) conclusion. My biggest disappointment is that there seems to be a lot of interesting interplay between our pirates (Garfin, Ruusk, and Gatrix), but we both get very little insight into their personalities, and none of it really ends up mattering. Ruusk is doing bad things, killing him stops it. Garfin and Gatrix are both posthumous characters (and we'll get into Gatrix a bit later) and as a PC I can't find a reason why I'd care about either of the roles they play.</p><p></p><p>"Untitled" also has a lot of backstory (the entire first third of the entry!) but in this case I would argue that the NPCs, their relationships, and the backstory as a whole remains largely relevant to the PC's throughout. It's also interesting to learn. I'm of the type that prefers my backstory interwoven into the adventure and placed piecemeal as the PCs would likely learn about it, but that's a po-tay-to po-tah-to thing. The adventure, while ultimately not nearly as tight in flow as "Ship", comes through with greater potential and is an overall stronger adventure to me.</p><p></p><p>But there's two more issues to discuss here before moving on to the ingredients: Hooks and Stakes. "Ship" has stronger stakes but a much weaker hook. Other than throwing the weird illusory zombie pirates at them, there's little driving the party to investigate until "someone gets the idea that the tree is acting strangely". This is, effectively, this adventure's hook, and it's barest whisp of a thing. A strong hook, tied with more dangerous and imminent stakes, would have strengthened this entry considerably.</p><p></p><p>"Untitled" meanwhile gives us some hooks but none of them are overwhelmingly compelling, and with the exception of the bounty, already assume a personal connection on the part of the PCs that I don't think can be assumed here. There's at least an effort here, though, which puts it past "Ship". Where "Untitled" ultimately falters is in its stakes. Specifically, the complete lack of them. This adventure as written presents little threat that a fence and a "Do Not Enter" sign wouldn't entirely mitigate. Perhaps the failure conditions are written in those last 50+ words? Ultimately, though, there's nothing to suggest an imminent danger; it is, at best, a side quest. And we're looking for meatier content than that in this competition.</p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong><em>The Ingredients</em></strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p>Right now, it's looking like this is probably going to come down to the ingredients.</p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>Shivering Tree</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p>Both entires have a tree, and in both cases said tree is both central to the story and a source of great power. Also, both are shivering because of the wind. Because, storms, you see. I am tempted to give a slight edge to "Untitled" here; the corpse tree is an interesting touch, and it is more actively placed in the party's path. </p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>Paper Trail</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p>This is the one of the more clever interpretations in this match, with the wood shavings. Then there is Garfin's journal. Both serve "paper" well... but are they really trails? The wood chips only seem to be found at Xelle's base, and the journal isn't really meaningful at all; the open window is quite a bit more conspicuous and leads the PCs right to where they need to go.</p><p></p><p>However, much like the stakes, at least it's present. Try as I might, I could not find what the "paper trail" was supposed to be. Maybe it's the research the PC's need to do to convince the priests/dead paladin/maul for help, but none of this is spelled out at all; only a check or background as to whether the PC already knows it or not. Maybe it's the Covenant itself? The migration would then be the "trail", but again, this is weak on several levels; there's no description of the deities in question at all, let alone why they're called the "Convenant" and not anything else, or why the migration of the Covenant's followers it at all relevant either, unless Alberich was explicitly called out as indigenous to the area.</p><p></p><p>Ultimately, I have to give this to "Ship"</p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>Illusory Storm</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p>Both entries have storms. But have storms that are magical in nature. But is either storm really illusory? They seem pretty real to me. "Ship" gives us an off-hand comment about how the Xelle creates illusions which then become real which... means they're no longer illusory. Especially if the impacts being felt are real as well. Likewise, "Untitled"'s storm is called out as being weird and permnanet, but no less physically present. No advantage to either entry on this one.</p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>Future Ruins</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p>This was probably my biggest disappointment of an ingredient use in both entries. In both cases, we get only the threat of the place becoming ruins at some point. In "Untitled" this is merely in the form of an oddly specific dying oath the PCs might never even learn about it; at least in "Ship" it there are imminent stakes that make the ingredient immediately relevant to the PCs.</p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>Haunted Maul</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p>Both entires go with the tree-splitting maul and both make them central to the quest. In the case of "Untitled" is it much more central to plot of the adventure, which means I would normally give it the point here, but there's a question mark here, and it's a pretty glaring one. Is the maul actually... haunted? This never seems explicitly called out; it seems that if Prudence is haunting anything it's her casket. Again, this may be more explicitly called out on the 50+ words I'm not allowed to consider, but if it is... it doesn't matter in this judgment. As it is, I think I have to call this one a wash.</p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>Land Pirates</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p>If "Future Ruins" were my greatest disappointment here, "Land Pirates" comes in a close second. I was hoping for something, anything, beyond "pirates, but stuck on land". And yet, that is what I get. The pirates in "Ship" are much more central here, but just like with the previous ingredient, there's a big issue here, in that there's nothing really essential about the ingredient. They could be angry monks, or flying owlbears, or any number of meat shields threatening the tree. If the background and business with the pirates' had been more crucial to figuring out a deeper mystery, like the kind that exists in "Untitled", it would clearly be the superior ingredient usage. Instead, I'm forced to call this wash again, as Red Morrisey plays a more interesting if less central role to play (and even less of a reason to be a "land pirate" and not a "temporarily grounded sky brigand" or "dolorous con artist").</p><p></p><p><strong><em>In Conclusion</em></strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p>I know I've been pretty harsh on these two entries; I hope my criticism has at least been constructive, and perhaps instructive for future contestants. These are both fairly good adventures, and they're not <em>bad</em> entries, as far as Iron DM entries go. Neither one would hack it against more solid competition, however. As we move to future rounds, it will simply not be enough for an ingredient to present or even just clever; it must be <em>essential</em>. If we can replace your use of an ingredient with something else entirely and have it make zero difference to the adventure, then it's not a good ingredient usage. If the ingredient says "Haunted Maul" it needs to not just be a Maul (as opposed to an Axe or a Sledgehammer) but it also needs to be <em>Haunted</em>. </p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>[SPOILER="The Judgment"][/SPOILER]</strong>[SPOILER="The Judgment"]And this is, ultimately, why "Untitled" falls in this match. One more editting pass and a maul that was actually, explicitly haunted and this match very easily could have been ajanders' to win. Some imminent stakes would have been a clincher. That's a testament to how close these matches can be, and ultimately one mistake here or there and ultimately be very costly in this competition.</p><p></p><p><strong>ajanders</strong>, you've won one of these things in the past, so I know this wasn't your A material. It really does seem like timing got the better of you on this one. A few more passes and this could easily have been a highlight. Sadly, this year it was not to be.</p><p></p><p>As it is however, I say congratulations to <strong>Wisdom Seeker </strong>for making it through the next round! I will warn you to step up your game, because the competition isn't going to get any easier![/SPOILER]<strong></strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>Bring on Match 2!</strong></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Gradine, post: 7826731, member: 57112"] A note from future Gradine: This judgment is going to come across as probably a little harsh. I have endeavoured to be tough but fair, and I hope that my criticisms prove to be constructive. Neither entry could be called bad... but there was quite a bit of room for improvement in both cases, and I hope that you find what follows helpful. [B][I]Rules and Readability[/I][/B] At first glance, I had concerns for both entries in regards to length. Wisdon Seeker's "Ship for City" (hereafter "Ship") opted to include descriptions of each ingredient along with the ingredient list. While the ingredients themselves are not included in the official word count, these descriptions were, and I worried that the overall entry would be over 750. As it turns out, the official count for the whole entry came a hair under at 749, and a much roomier 724 with the ingredient names, title and subtitle removed. Ultimately, those descriptions ran about 106 words, and I'm not sure how helpful they were; nearly every ingredient use seemed fairly straightforward, with one subtle and clever exception, and on balance you might have been better served using those 100+ words to flesh the meat of the adventure out further. The entry is, overall, well-formatted and laid out. The five-room "dungeon" structure gets a bit of a workout here, but we'll get into that on the next point. [B][/B] ajanders' "Untitled" also struck me as a little too long at first glance. This actually bore out; the official word count clocks in at 804. As such, I had to delete the last 54 words of the entry sight unseen. "- The party must make three checks, ideally using Persuasion. Bluff may be used, but any failure ends" is the cutoff point for the entry; I have not read anything after this point of the entry and will not until after I have posted the judgment. We will hope that this is not the deal breaker. The entry also suffers from a bit of a disorganization, particularly a lack of helpful headers, and with the numerous errors it was clear that this was at least one editting pass away from being a complete entry. Submitted as it was at literally the last possible minute, I have to assume that time ended up being an issue. Again, it's possible that on balance you might have been better served taking the extra 59 minutes and 75-word loss to tighten this up a bit more. [B] [I]Adventure Flow & Potential[/I] [/B] This is my subjective "what did I generally like/dislike about the adventures" section of the judgment. I'll start again with "Ship". This is a fairly linear adventure, though unlike some I don't consider "linear" a four-letter word when it comes to adventure design. As long as there some room for the PCs to stretch out their legs and find creative solutions to problems. The issue is I'm not sure that exists here in too great of quantity. Once the PCs find Garfin's body it's a pretty straight shot to the climax and the (somewhat unsatisfying) conclusion. My biggest disappointment is that there seems to be a lot of interesting interplay between our pirates (Garfin, Ruusk, and Gatrix), but we both get very little insight into their personalities, and none of it really ends up mattering. Ruusk is doing bad things, killing him stops it. Garfin and Gatrix are both posthumous characters (and we'll get into Gatrix a bit later) and as a PC I can't find a reason why I'd care about either of the roles they play. "Untitled" also has a lot of backstory (the entire first third of the entry!) but in this case I would argue that the NPCs, their relationships, and the backstory as a whole remains largely relevant to the PC's throughout. It's also interesting to learn. I'm of the type that prefers my backstory interwoven into the adventure and placed piecemeal as the PCs would likely learn about it, but that's a po-tay-to po-tah-to thing. The adventure, while ultimately not nearly as tight in flow as "Ship", comes through with greater potential and is an overall stronger adventure to me. But there's two more issues to discuss here before moving on to the ingredients: Hooks and Stakes. "Ship" has stronger stakes but a much weaker hook. Other than throwing the weird illusory zombie pirates at them, there's little driving the party to investigate until "someone gets the idea that the tree is acting strangely". This is, effectively, this adventure's hook, and it's barest whisp of a thing. A strong hook, tied with more dangerous and imminent stakes, would have strengthened this entry considerably. "Untitled" meanwhile gives us some hooks but none of them are overwhelmingly compelling, and with the exception of the bounty, already assume a personal connection on the part of the PCs that I don't think can be assumed here. There's at least an effort here, though, which puts it past "Ship". Where "Untitled" ultimately falters is in its stakes. Specifically, the complete lack of them. This adventure as written presents little threat that a fence and a "Do Not Enter" sign wouldn't entirely mitigate. Perhaps the failure conditions are written in those last 50+ words? Ultimately, though, there's nothing to suggest an imminent danger; it is, at best, a side quest. And we're looking for meatier content than that in this competition. [B] [I]The Ingredients[/I] [/B] Right now, it's looking like this is probably going to come down to the ingredients. [B] Shivering Tree [/B] Both entires have a tree, and in both cases said tree is both central to the story and a source of great power. Also, both are shivering because of the wind. Because, storms, you see. I am tempted to give a slight edge to "Untitled" here; the corpse tree is an interesting touch, and it is more actively placed in the party's path. [B] Paper Trail [/B] This is the one of the more clever interpretations in this match, with the wood shavings. Then there is Garfin's journal. Both serve "paper" well... but are they really trails? The wood chips only seem to be found at Xelle's base, and the journal isn't really meaningful at all; the open window is quite a bit more conspicuous and leads the PCs right to where they need to go. However, much like the stakes, at least it's present. Try as I might, I could not find what the "paper trail" was supposed to be. Maybe it's the research the PC's need to do to convince the priests/dead paladin/maul for help, but none of this is spelled out at all; only a check or background as to whether the PC already knows it or not. Maybe it's the Covenant itself? The migration would then be the "trail", but again, this is weak on several levels; there's no description of the deities in question at all, let alone why they're called the "Convenant" and not anything else, or why the migration of the Covenant's followers it at all relevant either, unless Alberich was explicitly called out as indigenous to the area. [B][/B] Ultimately, I have to give this to "Ship" [B] Illusory Storm [/B] Both entries have storms. But have storms that are magical in nature. But is either storm really illusory? They seem pretty real to me. "Ship" gives us an off-hand comment about how the Xelle creates illusions which then become real which... means they're no longer illusory. Especially if the impacts being felt are real as well. Likewise, "Untitled"'s storm is called out as being weird and permnanet, but no less physically present. No advantage to either entry on this one. [B] Future Ruins [/B] This was probably my biggest disappointment of an ingredient use in both entries. In both cases, we get only the threat of the place becoming ruins at some point. In "Untitled" this is merely in the form of an oddly specific dying oath the PCs might never even learn about it; at least in "Ship" it there are imminent stakes that make the ingredient immediately relevant to the PCs. [B] Haunted Maul [/B] Both entires go with the tree-splitting maul and both make them central to the quest. In the case of "Untitled" is it much more central to plot of the adventure, which means I would normally give it the point here, but there's a question mark here, and it's a pretty glaring one. Is the maul actually... haunted? This never seems explicitly called out; it seems that if Prudence is haunting anything it's her casket. Again, this may be more explicitly called out on the 50+ words I'm not allowed to consider, but if it is... it doesn't matter in this judgment. As it is, I think I have to call this one a wash. [B] Land Pirates [/B] If "Future Ruins" were my greatest disappointment here, "Land Pirates" comes in a close second. I was hoping for something, anything, beyond "pirates, but stuck on land". And yet, that is what I get. The pirates in "Ship" are much more central here, but just like with the previous ingredient, there's a big issue here, in that there's nothing really essential about the ingredient. They could be angry monks, or flying owlbears, or any number of meat shields threatening the tree. If the background and business with the pirates' had been more crucial to figuring out a deeper mystery, like the kind that exists in "Untitled", it would clearly be the superior ingredient usage. Instead, I'm forced to call this wash again, as Red Morrisey plays a more interesting if less central role to play (and even less of a reason to be a "land pirate" and not a "temporarily grounded sky brigand" or "dolorous con artist"). [B][I]In Conclusion[/I] [/B] I know I've been pretty harsh on these two entries; I hope my criticism has at least been constructive, and perhaps instructive for future contestants. These are both fairly good adventures, and they're not [I]bad[/I] entries, as far as Iron DM entries go. Neither one would hack it against more solid competition, however. As we move to future rounds, it will simply not be enough for an ingredient to present or even just clever; it must be [I]essential[/I]. If we can replace your use of an ingredient with something else entirely and have it make zero difference to the adventure, then it's not a good ingredient usage. If the ingredient says "Haunted Maul" it needs to not just be a Maul (as opposed to an Axe or a Sledgehammer) but it also needs to be [I]Haunted[/I]. [B] [SPOILER="The Judgment"][/SPOILER][/B][SPOILER="The Judgment"]And this is, ultimately, why "Untitled" falls in this match. One more editting pass and a maul that was actually, explicitly haunted and this match very easily could have been ajanders' to win. Some imminent stakes would have been a clincher. That's a testament to how close these matches can be, and ultimately one mistake here or there and ultimately be very costly in this competition. [B]ajanders[/B], you've won one of these things in the past, so I know this wasn't your A material. It really does seem like timing got the better of you on this one. A few more passes and this could easily have been a highlight. Sadly, this year it was not to be. As it is however, I say congratulations to [B]Wisdom Seeker [/B]for making it through the next round! I will warn you to step up your game, because the competition isn't going to get any easier![B][/B][/SPOILER][B] Bring on Match 2![/B] [I][B][/B][/I] [/QUOTE]
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