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Message: <blockquote data-quote="innerdude" data-source="post: 6907408" data-attributes="member: 85870">First, welcome to EnWorld!Second, it's always hard to give advice without being participants at the table. We're simply not privy to the entirety of your group's inner workings. Your descriptions are detailed, but even then I'm sure the player in question would proffer a different point of view. We'll try to be helpful, but just remember to take any advice you get from here with a few (hundred) grains of salt. <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />My observations are as follows: <ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Based on your description of the player's behavior, it sounds, quite frankly, like a basic lack of baseline social and emotional maturity. Whether that's due to age or something else, simply put, he's either A) not cognizant of how his behavior is affecting the group, or B) is cognizant of it and simply doesn't care. Depending on the player, in my experience Option A can be worked with; Option B is generally toxic.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">The first step in all of this is to try and identify just how much recognition he has around his own behavior---does he recognize that there is an unspoken social contract about these sorts of things? Is he generally aware that the group expects him to act for the greater benefit and fun of the group? Is he willing to recognize that his own biases and emotional "needs" aren't the end all, be all of play, etc.?</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">In my experience the only solution is to be absolutely, perfectly straightforward and direct. Don't beat around the bush. Don't "drop hints" or try and provide "gentle nudges" in the right direction. Don't use GM force in the game to try and "change" his character; trying to solve out-of-game problems with in-game solutions is nearly universally a recipe for disaster. Sit down and have a frank discussion with him.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">If possible, have the group present a united front. Now be careful with this, because you don't want him to feel like he's being "ganged up on" (though it will likely feel that way no matter how hard you try). Present to him simply and directly what you're feeling. "You know, I hope this comes across in the spirit in which it is intended, because we value your friendship dearly and want to continue enjoying your company, but we've been noticing some conflicts with the way you're playing your character and our ability as a group to really enjoy our gaming experience. Would you be open to talking about that with us?"</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">In some cases it may be better to have a single member of the group do the talking, especially if there's one group member who has an established relationship with the player, but in my experience I think a group dynamic works best. When it's a group discussion, it becomes harder for the individual in question to point fingers and say, "Well that's just YOUR problem, no one else is saying it!" If handled correctly, a group discussion can be more open and collaborative, with lots of sharing of ideas. Use lots of "We" statements---"We think this could be a solution," or "We've noticed this sort of pattern." If you do it right, it will feel more like an opportunity for everyone to collaborate, be involved in improving the game, and having more fun, and less like an attack on the individual.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">During the discussion, while what he says can be important, I'd generally be more tuned in to the attitude and demeanor in which the discussion happens. Is he actually listening and open to the idea that the group's collective fun is just as important as his individual fun? Is he willing to compromise -- REALLY compromise -- some of his play goals to better meet the group's collective needs? Is he open to change and trying new experiences?</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">If the answers are generally "no" to the above questions, then I'd say it's time to cut him loose. Also, be wary if he starts demanding things like, "Show me specific situations where I was causing problems," or "Show me in the rules where it says I wouldn't act like that," etc. He may be asking for specifics to help him clarify the problem in a positive way, but in many cases it's a deflection mechanism designed to point blame and responsibility away from  himself---because if you can't point out that problems are happening ALL THE TIME, then clearly it's not a problem at all! If he's evidencing an attitude of deflection and non-accountability, he's unlikely to recognize the importance of your group's social dynamics and unstated social contract. Frankly, I have ZERO tolerance for people who are unable to recognize these sorts of things.</li> </ul></blockquote>

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