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<blockquote data-quote="LostSoul" data-source="post: 443718" data-attributes="member: 386">from Theron's journals...&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; It has been two weeks since we came up here, up to the summer cottage on the Thyrikian Plateau.&nbsp; It’s been two weeks of waiting for the inevitable.&nbsp; Nothing has helped.&nbsp; No one we’ve seen has been able to do a thing to help her.&nbsp; Now all we can do is wait, but what fills my head with greater terror is what I will be called upon to do after the waiting is over. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; It is this horrible waiting that eats at my nerves, and so I thought I should write instead.&nbsp; It is a distraction and, in these quiet moments between the heaven of her eyes and the darkness of the thought of her life’s twilight, every distraction is welcomed.&nbsp; She is asleep in the next room, her breath still coming out in rasps and wheezes, and I am here, searching for where to start.&nbsp; But where to begin?&nbsp; I am not a performer like Lahad, or quick with words like Artellan, all I have is the simplicity of what I feel.&nbsp; Maybe that is the best beginning point of all; start at the beginning and hope the rest falls into place. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; The beginning.&nbsp; The beginning for me is not in birth, but in death.&nbsp; Only in death did I learn why I was born.&nbsp; Only in death did I understand my purpose.&nbsp; I died to my old life and was born to a new mother, but not one of flesh and blood.&nbsp; But even that is saying to much, claiming something less than what I saw.&nbsp; Was it a mother?&nbsp; Was it a father?&nbsp; Does it matter?&nbsp; When the universe stretches out before you and you see infinity merge with eternity, it is all that I could do just stay sane.&nbsp; Sometimes I wonder if I have? &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; That is when my faith carries me.&nbsp; I have a duty to do, a purpose to fulfill; God has decreed that the end of my life is not yet.&nbsp; In short, it is when I doubt that faith sustains me.&nbsp; But where does that faith come from? &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I don’t know.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Before a troll nearly ripped me in half, I was ruled by a bloodlust that controlled my actions.&nbsp; All I wanted was to kill.&nbsp; And all I wanted of immortality was a name people would not soon forget.&nbsp; But I was already dead; I was walking in a body, but my soul was dead.&nbsp; And then . . .&nbsp; Some times I wonder if that troll wasn’t some heavenly guardian in disguise.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Then.&nbsp; How do you describe the indescribable?&nbsp; I remember light without light, warmth with no feeling against my skin.&nbsp; I remember . . . peace; it was an odd feeling, one that I had not felt in a very long time.&nbsp; Had I ever felt peace?&nbsp; If I had, it wasn’t like this.&nbsp; I simply was: no expectation, no fear of the future, no conception of time, no fear that I would fail and die in a gutter somewhere.&nbsp; I simply was and was content in that feeling.&nbsp; It was peace. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; From within (or was it without?) a voice called to me.&nbsp; A voice formless yet full.&nbsp; It said, “Where are you?”&nbsp; Not knowing who or what it was I answered; “Here I am.” &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; It called again; “Where are you?”&nbsp; Again, I answered with no understanding; “I am here.” &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; A third time it called; “Where are you?”&nbsp; This time the revelation hit me with the force of a thousand thunderbolts - I was lost.&nbsp; I did not know where I was.&nbsp; But I was not lost in my body; I knew that it lay bleeding on the ground somewhere far away, but closer than I knew.&nbsp; It was not my body that was lost, but rather my soul was lost to myself.&nbsp; I did not know who I was, so how could I know where I was.&nbsp; I was lost, and the only hope of finding myself again was to heed the voice that called to me.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; “Where do you come from my child?”&nbsp; the disembodied voice asked.&nbsp; I was not so impetuous in my answer this time.&nbsp; I knew the question was not one of birth or travels, but where was it that I, my lost self, truly came from. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; “I do not know.”&nbsp; I answered.&nbsp; Humiliation at the recognition that I had fallen so far threatened to engulf me. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; And then, from out of the void a hand appeared; a radiant, glorious hand that I somehow knew was only a image created for my benefit.&nbsp; That if I were to see that ‘hand’ uncovered in all its glory, that I would be burned by the sight. And my body, so far away, would be destroyed as well.&nbsp; “Then I will show you,” the voice offered.&nbsp; In that moment everything washed away and I learnt more than I could ever have in a hundred thousand years.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Perhaps, someday, if I am allowed by God in the course of time, I will put to paper what I saw then.&nbsp; But not today.&nbsp; Today is not the day that that revelation is revealed.&nbsp; All that I will say is that in that vision I saw all that was, all that could be, and knew, through it all, that I was loved.&nbsp; I learned what is changeable and unchangeable in all things.&nbsp; I learned who I was, where I was, and where I was going.&nbsp; I was no longer afraid.&nbsp; God would be with me in all things and that was enough. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; When I awoke to my bodily existence I found myself in a monastery.&nbsp; How God provides! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I continued to adventure and travel with Artellan and Lahad, but my mind was troubled.&nbsp; I knew such peace, I merely wanted to exist in that peace, so why was I bringing death to others?&nbsp; I feared that all I had seen was for naught, and that I had learned nothing.&nbsp; I had seen the web of life, the wonders of life, and here I was taking life - was I forsaking everything that God had shown me?&nbsp; Then, again on the brink of death, the Spirit called to me once more. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Once again, safe, secure, at peace, I was taught the true nature of the world and where my duty lies.&nbsp; My purpose was strengthened, for what I am is a warrior.&nbsp; It is my duty and purpose in this existence to fight without fear.&nbsp; To fight to preserve the universal order and to fulfill the higher purpose of maintaining my duty to which I was born for.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I was taught that I presume too much when I believe I kill another.&nbsp; For who can kill an immortal soul?&nbsp; Upon death the soul shirks off the shell of the body to travel on its way.&nbsp; As I do not kill the soul, so neither do I kill.&nbsp; The span of life is already known by God and in following the proper course of conduct and duty, I am a instrument for an eternal purpose.&nbsp; Everything has already unfolded, all that I can control is my reaction and my will to follow duty as best as I can. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; When I once again returned to the world of the living, all my doubts, all my fears had shrunk away.&nbsp; I was, and am, an arrow springing from the bow - no hesitation.&nbsp; I know my mark, my purpose and my place.&nbsp; I knew all that I needed to live, truly live.&nbsp; But still one vision was left at the doorstep of death, the greatest of them all and that which from all doubts and uncertainties flee.&nbsp; As a gift of God, I was granted a sight that surpasses wonder.&nbsp; The veil of my eyes was lifted and I saw to who I was speaking. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I saw in that form countless visions of wonder: eyes from innumerable faces, numerous celestial ornaments, numberless heavenly weapons.&nbsp; The Infinite was facing all sides, all marvels in him containing.&nbsp; If the light of a thousand suns suddenly arose in the sky, that splendour might be compared to the radiance of that Supreme Spirit.&nbsp; And I saw in that radiance the whole universe in its variety, standing in a vast unity in the body of the God of gods. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; There is more, by now is not the time.&nbsp; I would need the guidance of God to speak of God’s glory, and that moment is not yet here.&nbsp; It is those visions, though, that give me the guidance to faith to weather the storm that life brings.&nbsp; It is the rich soil on which the roots of my existence are founded.&nbsp; Without my faith I would be dead, or as good as.&nbsp; Before I used to live my life in hesitation, but now . . . &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Nows change.&nbsp; A storm of doubt assails me; why the Lady Cassandra?&nbsp; All that anchors me to this world is my belief in what I have been shown.&nbsp; Without that belief . . . &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; After the visions, after my new birth, the course of fate drew me on its never-ending path.&nbsp; I fought, as is my duty, with no desire for reward: for while it is my choice to fight, the outcome has already been determined, so why claim reward for something that was not yours?&nbsp; To claim that victory as your own, to say it was I who did those deeds, leads to an arrogance and pride that does injustice to the true Maker, Creator, and Sustainer of all.&nbsp; I am but an instrument, acting as my duty calls to further His creation. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Despite all that, I will admit it came as a surprise when the trail of our foe turned to Thyrik.&nbsp; I do not know why the surprise.&nbsp; If evil and disorder have a home it is Thyrik.&nbsp; Thyrik - a city of thieves, cutthroats, and murders.&nbsp; A city of vice where wealth and position only signals a change in the magnitude of the crimes being committed against their fellow creatures.&nbsp; At the docks a sword is drawn openly, and a throat slit.&nbsp; But behind the walls which the wealthy erect, plots are hatched to cut the throats of entire families in their sleep.&nbsp; Blood seeps along the streets.&nbsp; But for those who can afford it, the blood never stains there hands.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I know.&nbsp; I was there.&nbsp; I let the blood run so others could sleep easier.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Thyrik.&nbsp; Once it had destroyed my heart to the ways of God, leaving bloodlust in its place.&nbsp; I thought I would never see its shores again.&nbsp; I prayed I would never see its shores again.&nbsp; God had other plans. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; We followed chaos to its nest in Thyrik, sailing over the sea that separates that foul land from the rest of the world.&nbsp; And then I saw it; the grey, sickly spires reaching up in mockery to the heavens.&nbsp; The air began to burn my lungs with hellfire from the foundries and chimneys eager to burn up the entire world.&nbsp; I had returned to my earthly home of so many years.&nbsp; I only prayed that if I were to die here it would be with honour, standing tall in my duty to the Almighty. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Dreadful portents of death and destruction were all around us.&nbsp; The forces of chaos threatened on every side.&nbsp; Through it all Lahad walked bravely, not a trifle of wavering in his step.&nbsp; Artellan, too, with his dark magics, became stalwart and firm in his resolve.&nbsp; But the reason for their steadfastness was fear: if they failed here the world would be plunged into darkness and destruction would reign. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; It was then I realized how different I was from my companions.&nbsp; And in the twilight of that moment I knew I could never dare speak of that difference.&nbsp; They told themselves they were fighting for light and goodness, but they were fighting out of fear.&nbsp; How feeble a reason is that?&nbsp; How sad an excuse to save the world? &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; No.&nbsp; The simple truth, that I would never utter in their presence, is that we did not save the world.&nbsp; If we had failed, if the unmovable hand of Fate had decreed that instead our blood would stain the stones far beneath the city, then darkness would have spread its hand across the surface of the earth - but not forever.&nbsp; No, others would have risen in our place, they would have taken up the fight.&nbsp; They would have fulfilled their role and done their right duty.&nbsp; And when the universe was satisfied, then the oppressive weight of darkness would be lifted.&nbsp; No, nothing lasts forever: not this world, not this entire plane of existence, not even the possession of my own soul.&nbsp; All that truly is, and will forevermore be, is the One whom I follow.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; That is where my courage lies: not in the ultimate victory of light, but in the fact that darkness will never finally prevail.&nbsp; That in the Universal Dissolution at the end of time, that all things will be eaten up in the mouth of God.&nbsp; That only God will remain, and so only God truly, eternally, is. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; What need have I to tell the story of our march into the gates of hell.&nbsp; Others will tell the tale better, and so I leave it in their capable hands.&nbsp; I leave the story of blood, sewers, the threat of overwhelming darkness, death, destruction, and our ultimate, albeit temporary, victory to others to write.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I did what I did for I could do nothing else in the face of what we fought.&nbsp; Lahad fell.&nbsp; I picked up his enchanted sword.&nbsp; And the angels fought for me.&nbsp; I surrender the victory back to the one who gave it.&nbsp; I can do nothing else. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I hear a stirring in the next room.&nbsp; The Lady Cassandra awakes.&nbsp; Life stops.&nbsp; I can give her a moment of comfort and so the gates of hell themselves could not bar me from her side.&nbsp; I will write again later.</blockquote>

[QUOTE="LostSoul, post: 443718, member: 386"] from Theron's journals... It has been two weeks since we came up here, up to the summer cottage on the Thyrikian Plateau. It’s been two weeks of waiting for the inevitable. Nothing has helped. No one we’ve seen has been able to do a thing to help her. Now all we can do is wait, but what fills my head with greater terror is what I will be called upon to do after the waiting is over. It is this horrible waiting that eats at my nerves, and so I thought I should write instead. It is a distraction and, in these quiet moments between the heaven of her eyes and the darkness of the thought of her life’s twilight, every distraction is welcomed. She is asleep in the next room, her breath still coming out in rasps and wheezes, and I am here, searching for where to start. But where to begin? I am not a performer like Lahad, or quick with words like Artellan, all I have is the simplicity of what I feel. Maybe that is the best beginning point of all; start at the beginning and hope the rest falls into place. The beginning. The beginning for me is not in birth, but in death. Only in death did I learn why I was born. Only in death did I understand my purpose. I died to my old life and was born to a new mother, but not one of flesh and blood. But even that is saying to much, claiming something less than what I saw. Was it a mother? Was it a father? Does it matter? When the universe stretches out before you and you see infinity merge with eternity, it is all that I could do just stay sane. Sometimes I wonder if I have? That is when my faith carries me. I have a duty to do, a purpose to fulfill; God has decreed that the end of my life is not yet. In short, it is when I doubt that faith sustains me. But where does that faith come from? I don’t know. Before a troll nearly ripped me in half, I was ruled by a bloodlust that controlled my actions. All I wanted was to kill. And all I wanted of immortality was a name people would not soon forget. But I was already dead; I was walking in a body, but my soul was dead. And then . . . Some times I wonder if that troll wasn’t some heavenly guardian in disguise. Then. How do you describe the indescribable? I remember light without light, warmth with no feeling against my skin. I remember . . . peace; it was an odd feeling, one that I had not felt in a very long time. Had I ever felt peace? If I had, it wasn’t like this. I simply was: no expectation, no fear of the future, no conception of time, no fear that I would fail and die in a gutter somewhere. I simply was and was content in that feeling. It was peace. From within (or was it without?) a voice called to me. A voice formless yet full. It said, “Where are you?” Not knowing who or what it was I answered; “Here I am.” It called again; “Where are you?” Again, I answered with no understanding; “I am here.” A third time it called; “Where are you?” This time the revelation hit me with the force of a thousand thunderbolts - I was lost. I did not know where I was. But I was not lost in my body; I knew that it lay bleeding on the ground somewhere far away, but closer than I knew. It was not my body that was lost, but rather my soul was lost to myself. I did not know who I was, so how could I know where I was. I was lost, and the only hope of finding myself again was to heed the voice that called to me. “Where do you come from my child?” the disembodied voice asked. I was not so impetuous in my answer this time. I knew the question was not one of birth or travels, but where was it that I, my lost self, truly came from. “I do not know.” I answered. Humiliation at the recognition that I had fallen so far threatened to engulf me. And then, from out of the void a hand appeared; a radiant, glorious hand that I somehow knew was only a image created for my benefit. That if I were to see that ‘hand’ uncovered in all its glory, that I would be burned by the sight. And my body, so far away, would be destroyed as well. “Then I will show you,” the voice offered. In that moment everything washed away and I learnt more than I could ever have in a hundred thousand years. Perhaps, someday, if I am allowed by God in the course of time, I will put to paper what I saw then. But not today. Today is not the day that that revelation is revealed. All that I will say is that in that vision I saw all that was, all that could be, and knew, through it all, that I was loved. I learned what is changeable and unchangeable in all things. I learned who I was, where I was, and where I was going. I was no longer afraid. God would be with me in all things and that was enough. When I awoke to my bodily existence I found myself in a monastery. How God provides! I continued to adventure and travel with Artellan and Lahad, but my mind was troubled. I knew such peace, I merely wanted to exist in that peace, so why was I bringing death to others? I feared that all I had seen was for naught, and that I had learned nothing. I had seen the web of life, the wonders of life, and here I was taking life - was I forsaking everything that God had shown me? Then, again on the brink of death, the Spirit called to me once more. Once again, safe, secure, at peace, I was taught the true nature of the world and where my duty lies. My purpose was strengthened, for what I am is a warrior. It is my duty and purpose in this existence to fight without fear. To fight to preserve the universal order and to fulfill the higher purpose of maintaining my duty to which I was born for. I was taught that I presume too much when I believe I kill another. For who can kill an immortal soul? Upon death the soul shirks off the shell of the body to travel on its way. As I do not kill the soul, so neither do I kill. The span of life is already known by God and in following the proper course of conduct and duty, I am a instrument for an eternal purpose. Everything has already unfolded, all that I can control is my reaction and my will to follow duty as best as I can. When I once again returned to the world of the living, all my doubts, all my fears had shrunk away. I was, and am, an arrow springing from the bow - no hesitation. I know my mark, my purpose and my place. I knew all that I needed to live, truly live. But still one vision was left at the doorstep of death, the greatest of them all and that which from all doubts and uncertainties flee. As a gift of God, I was granted a sight that surpasses wonder. The veil of my eyes was lifted and I saw to who I was speaking. I saw in that form countless visions of wonder: eyes from innumerable faces, numerous celestial ornaments, numberless heavenly weapons. The Infinite was facing all sides, all marvels in him containing. If the light of a thousand suns suddenly arose in the sky, that splendour might be compared to the radiance of that Supreme Spirit. And I saw in that radiance the whole universe in its variety, standing in a vast unity in the body of the God of gods. There is more, by now is not the time. I would need the guidance of God to speak of God’s glory, and that moment is not yet here. It is those visions, though, that give me the guidance to faith to weather the storm that life brings. It is the rich soil on which the roots of my existence are founded. Without my faith I would be dead, or as good as. Before I used to live my life in hesitation, but now . . . Nows change. A storm of doubt assails me; why the Lady Cassandra? All that anchors me to this world is my belief in what I have been shown. Without that belief . . . After the visions, after my new birth, the course of fate drew me on its never-ending path. I fought, as is my duty, with no desire for reward: for while it is my choice to fight, the outcome has already been determined, so why claim reward for something that was not yours? To claim that victory as your own, to say it was I who did those deeds, leads to an arrogance and pride that does injustice to the true Maker, Creator, and Sustainer of all. I am but an instrument, acting as my duty calls to further His creation. Despite all that, I will admit it came as a surprise when the trail of our foe turned to Thyrik. I do not know why the surprise. If evil and disorder have a home it is Thyrik. Thyrik - a city of thieves, cutthroats, and murders. A city of vice where wealth and position only signals a change in the magnitude of the crimes being committed against their fellow creatures. At the docks a sword is drawn openly, and a throat slit. But behind the walls which the wealthy erect, plots are hatched to cut the throats of entire families in their sleep. Blood seeps along the streets. But for those who can afford it, the blood never stains there hands. I know. I was there. I let the blood run so others could sleep easier. Thyrik. Once it had destroyed my heart to the ways of God, leaving bloodlust in its place. I thought I would never see its shores again. I prayed I would never see its shores again. God had other plans. We followed chaos to its nest in Thyrik, sailing over the sea that separates that foul land from the rest of the world. And then I saw it; the grey, sickly spires reaching up in mockery to the heavens. The air began to burn my lungs with hellfire from the foundries and chimneys eager to burn up the entire world. I had returned to my earthly home of so many years. I only prayed that if I were to die here it would be with honour, standing tall in my duty to the Almighty. Dreadful portents of death and destruction were all around us. The forces of chaos threatened on every side. Through it all Lahad walked bravely, not a trifle of wavering in his step. Artellan, too, with his dark magics, became stalwart and firm in his resolve. But the reason for their steadfastness was fear: if they failed here the world would be plunged into darkness and destruction would reign. It was then I realized how different I was from my companions. And in the twilight of that moment I knew I could never dare speak of that difference. They told themselves they were fighting for light and goodness, but they were fighting out of fear. How feeble a reason is that? How sad an excuse to save the world? No. The simple truth, that I would never utter in their presence, is that we did not save the world. If we had failed, if the unmovable hand of Fate had decreed that instead our blood would stain the stones far beneath the city, then darkness would have spread its hand across the surface of the earth - but not forever. No, others would have risen in our place, they would have taken up the fight. They would have fulfilled their role and done their right duty. And when the universe was satisfied, then the oppressive weight of darkness would be lifted. No, nothing lasts forever: not this world, not this entire plane of existence, not even the possession of my own soul. All that truly is, and will forevermore be, is the One whom I follow. That is where my courage lies: not in the ultimate victory of light, but in the fact that darkness will never finally prevail. That in the Universal Dissolution at the end of time, that all things will be eaten up in the mouth of God. That only God will remain, and so only God truly, eternally, is. What need have I to tell the story of our march into the gates of hell. Others will tell the tale better, and so I leave it in their capable hands. I leave the story of blood, sewers, the threat of overwhelming darkness, death, destruction, and our ultimate, albeit temporary, victory to others to write. I did what I did for I could do nothing else in the face of what we fought. Lahad fell. I picked up his enchanted sword. And the angels fought for me. I surrender the victory back to the one who gave it. I can do nothing else. I hear a stirring in the next room. The Lady Cassandra awakes. Life stops. I can give her a moment of comfort and so the gates of hell themselves could not bar me from her side. I will write again later. [/QUOTE]

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