Reply to thread

Message

<blockquote data-quote="Funeris" data-source="post: 2697881" data-attributes="member: 22792">Well, first things first.&nbsp; If no one has welcomed you to the Story Hour forum yet, let me be the first to do so.Now, its a pretty decent little blurb.&nbsp; And I'm curious as to what occured prior to the blurb...as well as what occurs after.A few comments...First paragraph, second sentence:&nbsp; You don't need the quote mark after the period--because it seems as if she continues talking with the &quot;I don't believe...&quot; line.Second paragraph, only sentence:&nbsp; You may want to change pushed to pushing.&nbsp; That or replace the comma with an 'and'.Third paragraph, first sentence.&nbsp; I'm not sure why there is a quote mark in front of Lady.&nbsp; You should remove it.&nbsp; Later in this paragraph you use the word cant when it should be can't.&nbsp; You used 'said' three times when describing Thered speak.&nbsp; Yet, it seems as if it is an argument occuring--not just a debate or friendly (and idle) chatter.&nbsp; Maybe mix that up, give him some emotion, with screamed, yelled, bellowed or snarled.&nbsp; I feel as if he really really needs to be offended...and it falls just short of that mark.Well, that's all I'll comment on.&nbsp; There might be a few other quirky errors in there...but eh.&nbsp; At the very least, you received a comment and a bump <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f609.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=";)" title="Wink&nbsp; &nbsp; ;)"&nbsp; data-smilie="2"data-shortname=";)" />So, is this just pure fiction or actually transcribed from a game?I'd suggest running it through MS Word or some other program so that it will alert you to punctuation errors.&nbsp; But if you use MS Word, I don't suggest you use the thesaurus...its atrocious (IMHO).~Fune</blockquote>

[QUOTE="Funeris, post: 2697881, member: 22792"] Well, first things first. If no one has welcomed you to the Story Hour forum yet, let me be the first to do so. Now, its a pretty decent little blurb. And I'm curious as to what occured prior to the blurb...as well as what occurs after. A few comments... First paragraph, second sentence: You don't need the quote mark after the period--because it seems as if she continues talking with the "I don't believe..." line. Second paragraph, only sentence: You may want to change pushed to pushing. That or replace the comma with an 'and'. Third paragraph, first sentence. I'm not sure why there is a quote mark in front of Lady. You should remove it. Later in this paragraph you use the word [i]cant[/i] when it should be [b]can't[/b]. You used 'said' three times when describing Thered speak. Yet, it seems as if it is an argument occuring--not just a debate or friendly (and idle) chatter. Maybe mix that up, give him some emotion, with screamed, yelled, bellowed or snarled. I feel as if he really really needs to be offended...and it falls just short of that mark. Well, that's all I'll comment on. There might be a few other quirky errors in there...but eh. At the very least, you received a comment and a bump ;) So, is this just pure fiction or actually transcribed from a game? I'd suggest running it through MS Word or some other program so that it will alert you to punctuation errors. But if you use MS Word, I don't suggest you use the thesaurus...its atrocious (IMHO). ~Fune [/QUOTE]

Verification