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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Elf Witch" data-source="post: 5830935" data-attributes="member: 9037">When I said that they don't love that person what I meant was this. They love an idealized version of that person not the person as they really are. In your case you love a woman who has some issues  she does destructive things and then lies to you to hide it. You know this about her and yet you still love her. I don't see anything inappropriate about saying what you think on a subject someone else has brought up. And you betcha I know love is not simplistic not by a long shot. Which is why I find it incredible that someone would really be so scared that they would lose their wives respect over playing DnD.It is not like he is hiding being addicted to porn, drugs, gambling or another woman. I was talking to a a friend of mine today who has been a marriage councilor for about 34 years and I asked his opinion on this. I am babysitting their dog this weekend so they took me to lunch as a thank you and I was curious what he would say about it. And what he said was that while little white lies can be necessary in marriage out right lying and on a regular basis can do a lot of harm. First of  all the person who feels forced to lie (even if this is not really true) is going to carry guilt over it. Guilt can lead to resentment which can manifest in other areas. Now if that happens and it manifests in other areas it can't be dealt with because the real reason of the resentment the lie is not being dealt with. The spouse lying can also begin to resent the person they are lying to for making them feel they have to lie. IE losing respect if their wife found out. He also pointed out the very real danger if the wife finds out. That the fact that they have been lied to can lead to a lost of faith and trust in that person. He said that everyone wants to look good in the eyes pf the person they love. But lying to accomplish that puts doubt in the mind of the person lying. My wife says she loves me and respects me but if she found out this about me she would stop. This can lead to self doubt about that love and just how strong it really is. In his long practice he has seen many marriages survive and grow stronger after a secret has come out and some of these secrets have been far worse than playing DnD. He has also seen marriages destroyed by secrets.  The ones that didn't make it usually had far more cracks and things wrong with it then just the secret. The secret to a long healthy marriage is in his opinion is open communication, loving the whole person not an idolized version of them,  and trust.</blockquote>

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