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Message: <blockquote data-quote="ragboy" data-source="post: 1709281" data-attributes="member: 4151">Overall, I really like how deeply the story is tied to the Eberron setting (and a little jealous...:/). You have all the 'selling points' of the setting, and they are integral to the story, not just tacked on. The main characters are interesting and the overarching plot is definitely epic and has some serious 'pulp action' potential. I'm sure Wizards is looking for just that. The running plot is well constructed and gives a sense of incremental action. I really like the depth of the two main characters and how their past is tied to the current story in very painful ways. The villans seem pretty well defined and their plot is definitely Eberron-shattering. I think the quori are particularly creepy. Isn't there some tie between them and the Kalashtar? To give it to your characters even deeper in the neck, this should be exploited.  I'm concerned that the story seems to take a while to get off the ground (just from reading your synopsis). What I mean by this is that you seem to be adding characters throughout the story. Of course, the story itself will tell whether this is a good idea, but I think the common trend (especially with D&D books) is to have all the characters present at the beginning. I'm also concerned that the story doesn't start with enough bang. If I can make a suggestion, I'd have the story start at the gala and tell Hawkins' and Labeth's backstory through the action at the party. Lots of building action potential there, and the beginning you have seems constructed just to introduce the characters and not to start the story. I'm also concerned that Alloy and Parison are not as clearly drawn in this synopsis as Hawkins and Labeth. You may sell your synopsis short by not having them as deep as your other two characters. And you may not get the emotional impact you want from Parison's death.  I think as you get these few points in line, your synopsis will tighten up. It's a great start though! Again, I'm jealous.  My quick comments below. </blockquote>

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