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[Attn: Writers who wanna write for Eberron] Plot workshopping?
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<blockquote data-quote="Optihut" data-source="post: 1740324" data-attributes="member: 23660"><p>Excellent sample! On reading it I didn't see any language related mistakes; not even minor issues like the suggestion to use synonyms I had with Takyris's sample. In my opinion the writing is flawless, so I'll make a comment on the content:</p><p></p><p>"Tobias fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming of Cyre as it was before the war -- a time he had never actually known. The grass was so green, the towers so beautiful, Tobias wept upon waking. Everything he loved had vanished, taken from him by a century of fear and greed and pettiness."</p><p></p><p>We know that the war lasted longer than Tobias's life, but that the destruction of Cyre is recent, so that he has seen a land with green grass, although he hadn't known it as it was before the war.</p><p></p><p>A new reader who hasn't read the Eberron sourcebook however, might think "If he hasn't known that time, how can he dream of how it was before?" This passage needs some clarification or rephrasing to dreaming of Cyre as it was before its destruction.</p><p></p><p>"Tobias would die in this chalet, overlooking the dead-gray corpse of Cyre, his once-beautiful homeland"</p><p>Someone who is familiar with the sourcebook understands that Tobias is actually in Darguun and looks over to the neighboring Mournland. A new reader might deduce from this initial sentence that Tobias is in Cyre and the later reference to Darguun would just be confusing without some sort of explanation that those are actually separate countries next to each other.</p><p></p><p>I liked the whole Edgar Wallace like poisoning while having established a resistance, but the cheese oversight later on doesn't seem plausible (how hard is it to put together the items that were ordered? Or did Xarn include the cheese before he was possessed to tip off Tobias that something is amiss?). Since such mistakes by the villains are needed to drive the plot, though, I guess it isn't too much of an irritation.</p><p></p><p>P.S.: Although your sample was as short as Takyris's sample, it somehow seemed longer. I attribute this to the focus on description rather than dialogue.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Optihut, post: 1740324, member: 23660"] Excellent sample! On reading it I didn't see any language related mistakes; not even minor issues like the suggestion to use synonyms I had with Takyris's sample. In my opinion the writing is flawless, so I'll make a comment on the content: "Tobias fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming of Cyre as it was before the war -- a time he had never actually known. The grass was so green, the towers so beautiful, Tobias wept upon waking. Everything he loved had vanished, taken from him by a century of fear and greed and pettiness." We know that the war lasted longer than Tobias's life, but that the destruction of Cyre is recent, so that he has seen a land with green grass, although he hadn't known it as it was before the war. A new reader who hasn't read the Eberron sourcebook however, might think "If he hasn't known that time, how can he dream of how it was before?" This passage needs some clarification or rephrasing to dreaming of Cyre as it was before its destruction. "Tobias would die in this chalet, overlooking the dead-gray corpse of Cyre, his once-beautiful homeland" Someone who is familiar with the sourcebook understands that Tobias is actually in Darguun and looks over to the neighboring Mournland. A new reader might deduce from this initial sentence that Tobias is in Cyre and the later reference to Darguun would just be confusing without some sort of explanation that those are actually separate countries next to each other. I liked the whole Edgar Wallace like poisoning while having established a resistance, but the cheese oversight later on doesn't seem plausible (how hard is it to put together the items that were ordered? Or did Xarn include the cheese before he was possessed to tip off Tobias that something is amiss?). Since such mistakes by the villains are needed to drive the plot, though, I guess it isn't too much of an irritation. P.S.: Although your sample was as short as Takyris's sample, it somehow seemed longer. I attribute this to the focus on description rather than dialogue. [/QUOTE]
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[Attn: Writers who wanna write for Eberron] Plot workshopping?
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