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<blockquote data-quote="Hypersmurf" data-source="post: 1325433" data-attributes="member: 1656">I'm going to make a basic spelling and grammar pass, okay?Inconsistency between &quot;20&quot; and &quot;five&quot; - pick one, and stick with it.&nbsp; My preference is usually to spell numbers out except under certain circumstances.Is using &quot;muffle&quot; in that fashion a conscious choice?&nbsp; It's not usually an intransitive verb <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile&nbsp; &nbsp; :)"&nbsp; data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />&nbsp; I'd personally be inclined to put both of these in italics - the first, as a title, and the second to indicate which part of the sentence is being &quot;thought&quot;... like you'd put dialogue in speech marks.No apostrophe.&nbsp; Chieftains. Again, I'd put it in italics, but that might just be me <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile&nbsp; &nbsp; :)"&nbsp; data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />That's not incorrect, but it jars - like having someone suddenly say &quot;thee&quot; in the middle of a sentence.&nbsp; I'd go with &quot;only&quot;.You keep a-using that word.&nbsp; I do no' think <a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=acquiesce" target="_blank">it means</a> what you think it means.I'd go with &quot;for any pedestrians who might&quot;.Again, it jars... &quot;as he turned&quot;, or maybe &quot;as he did so&quot;, or &quot;as he made the turn&quot;... &quot;as he turned so&quot; doesn't quite... flow, for me.If you decide to go with italics for thoughts, then this one needs them as well.Market Street needs to be capitalised.&quot;and the Eucalyptus... and crossed&quot; is awkward.&nbsp; &quot;to cross Blue Sky Road&quot; works better for me.Capital on Street again.I'd use a semicolon after full.You've just told us in the previous sentence that Market crosses Blue Sky - I'd leave out the &quot;which intersected... ahead&quot; clause altogether.&quot;offramp&quot; or &quot;off-ramp&quot;.&quot;soothed&quot;, maybe?&nbsp; Again, the word doesn't really mean what you're trying to say.&quot;It's&quot;.&nbsp; A contraction needs an apostrophe.Consistency in spelling.Is it Salvodoreco or Salvodorico? Salvodorican or Salvadorican? And, obviously, it needs to be capitalised.&quot;past&quot;.No apostrophe.Well, I'm going to slip out of grammar and spelling mode a moment.This threw me a little when I was reading the story.&nbsp; It felt odd to suddenly see inside Ember's head, when we've been seeing everything through Brogan's eyes until now.&nbsp; I think if you can express this as something Brogan can observe - either she mutters, or he notes her expression, or something like that... rather than describing what Ember's thinking, then you maintain a consistent viewpoint.Maybe one of the writers can chime in on this one... I could be wrong.&nbsp; But that was my initial reaction.Hmm... maybe.&quot;if&quot;, no capital, and &quot;It's&quot; with an apostrophe.Needs a question mark <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile&nbsp; &nbsp; :)"&nbsp; data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" /> &quot;brake&quot;.To arbitrate is to &quot;act between parties with a view to reconciling differences&quot;... is that what you had in mind?&quot;It's&quot;.&nbsp; -----I do like the way Brogan says &quot;god&quot; and Ember says &quot;God&quot;.-Hyp.</blockquote>

[QUOTE="Hypersmurf, post: 1325433, member: 1656"] I'm going to make a basic spelling and grammar pass, okay? Inconsistency between "20" and "five" - pick one, and stick with it. My preference is usually to spell numbers out except under certain circumstances. Is using "muffle" in that fashion a conscious choice? It's not usually an intransitive verb :) I'd personally be inclined to put both of these in italics - the first, as a title, and the second to indicate which part of the sentence is being "thought"... like you'd put dialogue in speech marks. No apostrophe. [i]Chieftains[/i]. Again, I'd put it in italics, but that might just be me :) That's not [i]incorrect[/i], but it jars - like having someone suddenly say "thee" in the middle of a sentence. I'd go with "only". You keep a-using that word. I do no' think [URL=http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=acquiesce]it means[/URL] what you think it means. I'd go with "for any pedestrians who might". Again, it jars... "as he turned", or maybe "as he did so", or "as he made the turn"... "as he turned so" doesn't quite... flow, for me. If you decide to go with italics for thoughts, then this one needs them as well. Market Street needs to be capitalised. "and the Eucalyptus... and crossed" is awkward. "to cross Blue Sky Road" works better for me. Capital on Street again. I'd use a semicolon after full. You've just told us in the previous sentence that Market crosses Blue Sky - I'd leave out the "which intersected... ahead" clause altogether. "offramp" or "off-ramp". "soothed", maybe? Again, the word doesn't really mean what you're trying to say. "It's". A contraction needs an apostrophe. Consistency in spelling. Is it Salvodor[b]e[/b]co or Salvodor[b]i[/b]co? Salv[b]o[/b]dorican or Salv[b]a[/b]dorican? And, obviously, it needs to be capitalised. "past". No apostrophe. Well, I'm going to slip out of grammar and spelling mode a moment. This threw me a little when I was reading the story. It felt odd to suddenly see inside Ember's head, when we've been seeing everything through Brogan's eyes until now. I think if you can express this as something Brogan can observe - either she mutters, or he notes her expression, or something like that... rather than describing what Ember's [i]thinking[/i], then you maintain a consistent viewpoint. Maybe one of the writers can chime in on this one... I could be wrong. But that was my initial reaction. Hmm... maybe. "if", no capital, and "It's" with an apostrophe. Needs a question mark :) "brake". To arbitrate is to "act between parties with a view to reconciling differences"... is that what you had in mind? "It's". ----- I do like the way Brogan says "god" and Ember says "God". -Hyp. [/QUOTE]

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