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Message: <blockquote data-quote="arwink" data-source="post: 1325606" data-attributes="member: 2292">Okay, some comments after a slightly longer read through.  I've spaced the comments every few paragraphs.On the whole, it's a very nice story with a great sense of mood and style.  Most of my comments are based on far to many years lurking in a college creative writing class, which means the suggestions may not be as useful if you've been asked to aim for a particular goal with the writing exercise (such as packing it with interesting verbs no matter what).(And, as an aside, my appologies if I'm coming accross as too nit-picky - I've just spent the past week judging cermaic DM, and it's starting to become second nature <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f600.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":D" title="Big grin    :D"  data-smilie="8"data-shortname=":D" />)The opening line needs work.  Muffled isn't a great word, as has already been pointed out, and the verbage would be better used to describe muffled sounds behind the door rather than the speach.  Let us know what Ember is doing that's taking so long, even if you hint.  The gist of the dialogue here works, but the situation needs to be clearer.I'm not entirely sold on the line-break between Brogan putting his wallet in his pocket and the explanation.  The ideas seem significantly linked that they'll work as one paragraph, and there doens't seem to be much need fo the two line paragraph otherwise.  It'll give it more weight.  The wallet does a good job of setting up Brogan's character subtly, it's a nice touch.  Pet peeve, but ther'es far to many commas in that last sentence.  Break it up a little, give it a bit more atmosphere.  If you want to throw in the idea that Brogan is slightly irritated, this is the place to start trying new things with verbs as well.  Imagine the difference between "twisting" the keys into place, and "wrenching" them.  One's subdued and normal, the other is majorly pissed off. Beyond that, the paragraph is almost straight action description that doesn't really serve any narrative purpose but to shift the scene.  Give it more mood to make it relevance.Again, some nice set up of the relationship between the characters is going on here - close but strangely combatative at the same time.  The middle paragraph is clunky though - the second sentence in particular could be broken apart and fleshed out a little.  Lead it with the action, which tends to be what we focus on when we read sentences.  Ember gets into the car, and then it's revealed why this information is important - it would seem suitable time for Brogan to make a quip about her timing.  It gives us the same information, but adds more to the character and drama.I'm not entirely sure the bolded line is really necessary, it's kind of implied by the previous line.  And accelerated is a weak verb to be using here - it tells us nothing beyond the fact the car moves.  Again, something to enhance mood or mirror the background conflict of your story somehow could work more effectively.The metaphor of going to school and knowing all the lights movements like a lover is slightly jarring.  May just be a cultural thing, but School connotes a definate high-school kind of image for me in Australia, but I have difficulty with the image of a high-school age Brogan thinking about anything in terms of like a lover.  It does a significant mental re-write of the character for me, until I considered that it might be refering to a university or college student.  Either way, something to think on.In addition to Hypersmurph's notes on italicising, I also found the wording of the second last sentence here slightly jarring.  To me, he should be watching a Jeep running accross the intersection, not watching accross the intersection as a jeep runs the red.  Consider replacing "which shot" with "shooting."  The former implies the street flies past the condos, the later the car does it.This section is fairly dense in terms of action and setting information, but it tends to slow down the story a bit.  We get bogged down in a lot of stuff that isn't all that interesting to read as we're not sure of its relevance.  What makes this story interesting is the conflicting personalities you've set up for Brogan and Ember - I'm much more interested in what they saying, or not saying, than the details of what's happening outside the car.  Again, if you can find a way to work all of this into the conflict of the story - perhaps mentioning it because they're both paying more attention to the exterior rather than speak to one another, it'd become  more interesting.No matter how you try to work it, 'his sister subdued' isn't going to work here.  His sister may try to subdue him, and you can work it in by having Brogen meantally snear at her attempts or some such, but it's an awkward phrase following the dialogue.The dialogue here is great - still maintaining the strong mood and building their characters well.  Probably the best peice of the drive by far.  Full of colour and well-rounded description.Nice sense of semi-irony there. You seem to be hitting your stride here.  Things flow a lot better than the earlier part of the story, the mood is maintained, and nearly anything is improved by a Tori Amos reference <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />Minor quibble - it's rather than it is.  I can't really think of the last time I heard someone actually say it is without being condescending and overly proper, which doesn't seem to be Ember's intention here.Cut to outside the car and stop it for the light, rather than tagging it on the end of the break.  Again, it's a good chance to use verbage here rather than after the language - does the car jerk to a stop, ease into it, etc.Interesting conclusion - builds the conflict to a head but doens't really resolve it, but it still works.  The arguement may be sliding towards the bombastic, but it essentially works within the context of the story.</blockquote>

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