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<blockquote data-quote="alsih2o" data-source="post: 1628369" data-attributes="member: 4790"><p>Barsoomcore-</p><p></p><p>Piratecat "The Arranger"</p><p></p><p>Great use of the cheerleader picture -- I love it when a story seizes on some detail in a picture and makes it the focus of the entire story. "All the catchy marketing jingles I've written" nicely pays off on a second pass through the story. Also nice -- the coldness of Southern California. Very well set up. The story is full of those moments and it's very rewarding to pick them up as you go along.</p><p></p><p>It may have gotten overplayed, however. By "Snulap's face went first white and then a fiery, dangerous red. I liked the look." I've got a pretty good guess as to what's going on. And as soon as our narrator says, "'I did what you asked.'" the big ol' lightbulb comes on and I know this is Faust I'm reading.</p><p></p><p>Which is fine, but there's not really a final twist here to give me a last moment of delight. The taking over of Snulap's body isn't a pay off for any earlier set up, so it comes across as window-dressing rather than anything significant.</p><p></p><p>I liked the gulls, though. Nice touch. And the new clothes gag.</p><p></p><p>How does he shake his head under that mask, by the way? I wondered.</p><p></p><p>In the final analysis -- a fine tale with lots of nice turns of phrase, rewards for careful readers, and a very clear story. It hooks up the pictures in a reasonably even-handed manner, although one might accuse it of nearly cheating on the little girls. That bit is awfully funny, though, and the whole story is really a long list of Satan gags, so it's a fair use.</p><p></p><p>I enjoyed reading it. And enjoyed it more the second time. Very well done.</p><p></p><p></p><p>carpedavid "Strange Little Loops"</p><p></p><p>Little girls with the cigarette: essential to the story</p><p>The mask: essential to the story</p><p>The beach: essential to the story</p><p>The cheerleaders: Oh, not quite essential to the story</p><p></p><p>Still, very impressive use of the pictures.</p><p></p><p>Now, as to the story itself: This is really remarkable, carpedavid. I'm not 100% certain it hangs together with complete authority, but there's a lot going on here and you've managed your complicated elements really well. It could use a good edit -- the opening series of shockers "I can't believe they made me black" and "And a girl" don't quite hit with the impact they should, but it still sucks me in so you're not hurting yourself here. It just could have been even better, I guess.</p><p></p><p>Kat's moment on the beach teeters on the edge of being overwrought -- a little tightening here would have been welcome -- but it is a real emotional moment and has enough careful details to feel authentic. The metaphysical production of the sand makes the picture (in a sequence you might otherwise say was uneccessary) the core of the whole story. Nicely done, that.</p><p></p><p>You try it again with the cheerleader sequence and now I know you're setting something up. And you reward me for that at the end of the story -- which makes me feel smart. And making your reader feel smart is a good thing to do.</p><p></p><p>Your style is simple, easy-to-parse sentences and terse descriptions -- though I think the narrator gets a little didactic at times: "Kat was shocked" -- can you SHOW me her shock instead of TELLING me about it? And finally, your plot doesn't get filled out quite enough. I don't really know what the relationship is between Hoffman, Kat the assistant and Kat the little girl. But I get a sense of it, and that's almost enough for me.</p><p></p><p>This is a story well worth taking another shot at and seeing what you come up with. I'd love to see a rewrite.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Decision: carpedavid in a VERY tough call</p><p></p><p></p><p> Mythago-</p><p></p><p> THE ARRANGER (Piratecat)</p><p></p><p>Let's not pretend this was a tough set of pictures, even for a master. I </p><p>was impressed that Piratecat tackled perhaps the must "HUH?!"-worthy </p><p>picture first and used that as a centerpiece, instead of shuffling it </p><p>off somehow.</p><p></p><p>I liked the little details that didn't make much sense (SoCal isn't hot </p><p>enough? Why is he telling this guy where he lives?) made perfect sense </p><p>by the end of the story, not to mention the little comments about </p><p>Russia's transit system. The one thing that tripped up the narrative was </p><p>a lot of action being compressed; eight months go by and we're told that </p><p>Snulap wanted to renegotiate, but not really how; I was expecting to </p><p>hear that Snulap sent some kind of message or something that would </p><p>otherwise explain why this was one-way.</p><p></p><p>I felt that the kids-smoking picture wasn't very well-used; it wasn't </p><p>blown, but the other three were used strongly enough that it felt a bit </p><p>weak. It does bring out the narrator's character a bit, but somehow I </p><p>felt that kids smoking in Russia wasn't so much corruption of youth as a </p><p>symptom of, well, degeneracy in Russia.</p><p></p><p>Small point--there were a lot of uses of speaking verbs and modifiers </p><p>(blustered, looked up horrified, stuttered in disbelief) that I think </p><p>would have been better eliminated, either because stronger verbs/words </p><p>could have been used or because the description was well-done enough </p><p>that they seemed superfluous.</p><p></p><p>Otherwise, Piratecat took what could have been a very tired plot and </p><p>made it a highly entertaining story.</p><p></p><p>'"Evil?” I finished for him. "Yeah, there’s a shocker for you."' </p><p>*bwahahahaha*</p><p></p><p></p><p>STRANGE LITTLE LOOPS (carpedavid)</p><p></p><p>Interesting that both contestants chose one picture as the narrative </p><p>center of the story, but chose very different images.</p><p></p><p>Good use of the full set of pictures here. I enjoyed this story--very </p><p>interesting theme, and an uncertain ending without being unresolved or </p><p>feeling like the author just hadn't finished. I admit that I still found </p><p>it a little puzzling where AI-Kat and real-world Kat meshed, and the </p><p>relationship between the doctor and Katherine, which seems very distant </p><p>and short-term, yet close enough that he is willing to bring her into </p><p>the imaginary world. ('Assistant' also makes it sound as though she's a </p><p>sort of glorified bottle-washer, or grad student, but it's suggested </p><p>that she's a PhD at least in the virtual world; the reason for the </p><p>difference isn't entirely clear.)</p><p></p><p>JUDGMENT: It was an extremely tough choice, darn it. On the strength of </p><p>overall picture use and a more difficult theme, I gave the round to </p><p>carpedavid.</p><p></p><p></p><p> Alsih2o</p><p></p><p> Carpe david hooks me hard in the first few paragraphs. What a use of the smoking kid pic. Then come the cluster where he describes the mask, full of blustering words and psuedoscience. I gave him a lot of credit here because I believe it is difficult to write with all the terminology and not sound WAY out like you are making it up.</p><p></p><p> I like Kat too, I like her for mentioning the greek guy with BO as she mentions her missed desires. Altho The use of the worms picture did not warm my heart. It does echo the looping and curling statements, but as far as inventiveness I was left a little wanting.</p><p></p><p> The mask too, is just a mask when it comes down to it, and the cheerleaders aren’t exactly used brilliantly.</p><p></p><p> And I still love this story.</p><p></p><p> Maybe it is the lack of deviousness. Perhaps I have grown used to waiting for the bad guy to strike, I mea, we are gamers who write, right? But the humanity of the doctor, the sureness of Kat in her decisions, the sharpness of her mind and the the utter shock of a lack of betrayal!</p><p> </p><p> Wow.</p><p></p><p> </p><p> Piratecat sucks me in right away by getting right to the cheerleaders, and taking them pretty literally. P-kitty has once again crafted a character that it is easy to feel you know, even after the characters awful secret is revealed (a little too early).</p><p></p><p> I do not think the smoking pic was handled to creatively, but was still handled well. The intent of our main character can change a lot. Same for the worms, not the wildest handling, but made sweeter by our main character.</p><p></p><p> The mask was kind of just there. I like the idea of the torture scene but feel it needed more or less.</p><p></p><p> Over all there are some really great moments- The surf hissing on hooves, the fact that he knows snulap has 37 years left, when he calls snulap an amateur. I liked all these moments.</p><p></p><p></p><p> Judgement- But the moments were not enough. I fear the pictures may have been too easy, as we always get a little more from the tough pics. This is a tough round for me, the raw entertainment value of p-kitty vs. the shock and strong repetition of Carpedavid. I have to go with carpe david, but not by a lot. If p-kitty had held off me figuring out his catch a few more paragraphs things could have been very different.</p><p></p><p> DECISION- Carpe David- 3-0 unanimous decision.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="alsih2o, post: 1628369, member: 4790"] Barsoomcore- Piratecat "The Arranger" Great use of the cheerleader picture -- I love it when a story seizes on some detail in a picture and makes it the focus of the entire story. "All the catchy marketing jingles I've written" nicely pays off on a second pass through the story. Also nice -- the coldness of Southern California. Very well set up. The story is full of those moments and it's very rewarding to pick them up as you go along. It may have gotten overplayed, however. By "Snulap's face went first white and then a fiery, dangerous red. I liked the look." I've got a pretty good guess as to what's going on. And as soon as our narrator says, "'I did what you asked.'" the big ol' lightbulb comes on and I know this is Faust I'm reading. Which is fine, but there's not really a final twist here to give me a last moment of delight. The taking over of Snulap's body isn't a pay off for any earlier set up, so it comes across as window-dressing rather than anything significant. I liked the gulls, though. Nice touch. And the new clothes gag. How does he shake his head under that mask, by the way? I wondered. In the final analysis -- a fine tale with lots of nice turns of phrase, rewards for careful readers, and a very clear story. It hooks up the pictures in a reasonably even-handed manner, although one might accuse it of nearly cheating on the little girls. That bit is awfully funny, though, and the whole story is really a long list of Satan gags, so it's a fair use. I enjoyed reading it. And enjoyed it more the second time. Very well done. carpedavid "Strange Little Loops" Little girls with the cigarette: essential to the story The mask: essential to the story The beach: essential to the story The cheerleaders: Oh, not quite essential to the story Still, very impressive use of the pictures. Now, as to the story itself: This is really remarkable, carpedavid. I'm not 100% certain it hangs together with complete authority, but there's a lot going on here and you've managed your complicated elements really well. It could use a good edit -- the opening series of shockers "I can't believe they made me black" and "And a girl" don't quite hit with the impact they should, but it still sucks me in so you're not hurting yourself here. It just could have been even better, I guess. Kat's moment on the beach teeters on the edge of being overwrought -- a little tightening here would have been welcome -- but it is a real emotional moment and has enough careful details to feel authentic. The metaphysical production of the sand makes the picture (in a sequence you might otherwise say was uneccessary) the core of the whole story. Nicely done, that. You try it again with the cheerleader sequence and now I know you're setting something up. And you reward me for that at the end of the story -- which makes me feel smart. And making your reader feel smart is a good thing to do. Your style is simple, easy-to-parse sentences and terse descriptions -- though I think the narrator gets a little didactic at times: "Kat was shocked" -- can you SHOW me her shock instead of TELLING me about it? And finally, your plot doesn't get filled out quite enough. I don't really know what the relationship is between Hoffman, Kat the assistant and Kat the little girl. But I get a sense of it, and that's almost enough for me. This is a story well worth taking another shot at and seeing what you come up with. I'd love to see a rewrite. Decision: carpedavid in a VERY tough call Mythago- THE ARRANGER (Piratecat) Let's not pretend this was a tough set of pictures, even for a master. I was impressed that Piratecat tackled perhaps the must "HUH?!"-worthy picture first and used that as a centerpiece, instead of shuffling it off somehow. I liked the little details that didn't make much sense (SoCal isn't hot enough? Why is he telling this guy where he lives?) made perfect sense by the end of the story, not to mention the little comments about Russia's transit system. The one thing that tripped up the narrative was a lot of action being compressed; eight months go by and we're told that Snulap wanted to renegotiate, but not really how; I was expecting to hear that Snulap sent some kind of message or something that would otherwise explain why this was one-way. I felt that the kids-smoking picture wasn't very well-used; it wasn't blown, but the other three were used strongly enough that it felt a bit weak. It does bring out the narrator's character a bit, but somehow I felt that kids smoking in Russia wasn't so much corruption of youth as a symptom of, well, degeneracy in Russia. Small point--there were a lot of uses of speaking verbs and modifiers (blustered, looked up horrified, stuttered in disbelief) that I think would have been better eliminated, either because stronger verbs/words could have been used or because the description was well-done enough that they seemed superfluous. Otherwise, Piratecat took what could have been a very tired plot and made it a highly entertaining story. '"Evil?” I finished for him. "Yeah, there’s a shocker for you."' *bwahahahaha* STRANGE LITTLE LOOPS (carpedavid) Interesting that both contestants chose one picture as the narrative center of the story, but chose very different images. Good use of the full set of pictures here. I enjoyed this story--very interesting theme, and an uncertain ending without being unresolved or feeling like the author just hadn't finished. I admit that I still found it a little puzzling where AI-Kat and real-world Kat meshed, and the relationship between the doctor and Katherine, which seems very distant and short-term, yet close enough that he is willing to bring her into the imaginary world. ('Assistant' also makes it sound as though she's a sort of glorified bottle-washer, or grad student, but it's suggested that she's a PhD at least in the virtual world; the reason for the difference isn't entirely clear.) JUDGMENT: It was an extremely tough choice, darn it. On the strength of overall picture use and a more difficult theme, I gave the round to carpedavid. Alsih2o Carpe david hooks me hard in the first few paragraphs. What a use of the smoking kid pic. Then come the cluster where he describes the mask, full of blustering words and psuedoscience. I gave him a lot of credit here because I believe it is difficult to write with all the terminology and not sound WAY out like you are making it up. I like Kat too, I like her for mentioning the greek guy with BO as she mentions her missed desires. Altho The use of the worms picture did not warm my heart. It does echo the looping and curling statements, but as far as inventiveness I was left a little wanting. The mask too, is just a mask when it comes down to it, and the cheerleaders aren’t exactly used brilliantly. And I still love this story. Maybe it is the lack of deviousness. Perhaps I have grown used to waiting for the bad guy to strike, I mea, we are gamers who write, right? But the humanity of the doctor, the sureness of Kat in her decisions, the sharpness of her mind and the the utter shock of a lack of betrayal! Wow. Piratecat sucks me in right away by getting right to the cheerleaders, and taking them pretty literally. P-kitty has once again crafted a character that it is easy to feel you know, even after the characters awful secret is revealed (a little too early). I do not think the smoking pic was handled to creatively, but was still handled well. The intent of our main character can change a lot. Same for the worms, not the wildest handling, but made sweeter by our main character. The mask was kind of just there. I like the idea of the torture scene but feel it needed more or less. Over all there are some really great moments- The surf hissing on hooves, the fact that he knows snulap has 37 years left, when he calls snulap an amateur. I liked all these moments. Judgement- But the moments were not enough. I fear the pictures may have been too easy, as we always get a little more from the tough pics. This is a tough round for me, the raw entertainment value of p-kitty vs. the shock and strong repetition of Carpedavid. I have to go with carpe david, but not by a lot. If p-kitty had held off me figuring out his catch a few more paragraphs things could have been very different. DECISION- Carpe David- 3-0 unanimous decision. [/QUOTE]
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