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<blockquote data-quote="alsih2o" data-source="post: 1640332" data-attributes="member: 4790"><p>Barsoomcore-</p><p></p><p>Noskov "The Penitent Man"</p><p></p><p>Okay, a "bad guy gets his comeuppance" story. I'm a sucker for these and this one's not too bad at all. A couple of general comments first:</p><p></p><p>These stories are short -- get to the point quickly. It takes too long to get to "he's a bad guy".</p><p>The penitence doesn't feel bad enough to justify the story I just read. Sure, chipping stone balls is tedious, but as penance for a serial killer?</p><p></p><p>Okay, now let's get our hands dirty.</p><p></p><p>There's a lot of typos in this story. Please check your work before you submit it:</p><p>"I swam out and caught a mammoth and rode it" -- he caught a mammoth? Wow, is this Surfin' Pellucidar? <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" /></p><p>"I looked out to the see"</p><p>"I should head in after then next wave"</p><p></p><p>Those are all in one paragraph. You don't do yourself any favours with errors like these.</p><p></p><p>Your style is simple, which is good, and reasonably terse, which is also good. Like many Ceramic entries, your beginning is flabby and your ending slightly underdone. It takes a long time to get to the revelation that our hero is a murderer, and then there's a long period of discussion on his childhood that finally leads into Lonnie's death.</p><p>THAT scene is very well done, however, and that's where this story really takes off. We have some sympathy for the narrator and his situation, but of course his actions are horrible. You do need to watch out for cliched phrasing: "Like a mad bull," "like fire over a dry hayfield." Use metaphors sparingly and make each one count. Otherwise, just choose the correct word.</p><p>I think you could have given us more on our narrator's reaction to the deaths of his brother and his father. A clear reaction here would provide us with insight into why he kept killing. Did he enjoy the experience? Why? What part of it did he enjoy?</p><p></p><p>Plot issue: The storm seems very important in the early stages of the story, but it then just disappears. If it's important, it should be important. If it's not, why include it in the first place?</p><p></p><p>"Around my wrists are shackles and I?m not sitting in the chair that Lonnie was in when I arrived." -- Why is this suddenly in present tense? And if he's not sitting in the chair, where is he? This is very confusing.</p><p>"the piles of spheres he carved eating voraciously" -- He carved spheres that ate voraciously?</p><p></p><p>In the end, this story satisfies. This is a strong Ceramic DM entry, for all its errors and typos. The pictures are used very well, without any throwaways, although getting from the first reference to the second is a bit of a slog. You need to get away from hackneyed phraseology, you need to be more rigorous in your usage and copyediting, and you need to be more ruthless in your cutting. Don't go easy on yourself. You've got a knack for storytelling. Develop it.</p><p></p><p>Thanks for this story.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Rodrigo Istalindir "Sacrifice"</p><p></p><p>Whew. There's some real emotion going on in here. The story is simple, a slightly twisted family done wrong by xenophobic neighbors. It builds and resolves nicely, and there's not a lot of fat one these here bones.</p><p></p><p>The opening paragraph needs a little work, though. This -- "Although he was by all appearances a young man" -- is intriguing, but this -- "draining what little strength he had left" -- begs to explain WHY he has little strength left. And this -- "Not that it wouldn't have been exhausting anyway" -- makes me wonder what "it" is, and finally, this -- "if the other parents in the tiny sea-side village were any indication" -- makes me confused as to what they might be indicating. I don't disagree with the closing assertion on children's energy levels, but I'm left wondering what that has to do with anything else.</p><p></p><p>For an opening paragraph, you need to do better than this.</p><p></p><p>After that, however, things settle down nicely. The beach is well-evoked and I am able to picture your scenes clearly. I like the specific use of "cantalo" rather than "fish" -- of course fishermen would never just talk about "fish".</p><p></p><p>The scene in the village could use some enrichening. A little more detail here would be welcome. What does it look like? What does it smell like? More specific choices here would help set up the final moments better.</p><p></p><p>The reunion of Simon and Calliya is touching, though the exposition on were-sharks is a little clumsy. I know she's a were-shark. I just saw her change form, so I figured that out. Your problem is to communicate A) that Simon is just like her, and B) that when Sarenne grows up, she'll be like them, too. It's a lot of information to communicate -- trying to do it all in one paragraph is maybe a little too ambitious.</p><p></p><p>The final scenes play out in a properly fevered rush -- Sarenne's kidnapping, the race to save her, the stranding in the pit and then, at the end, the understanding of impending vengeance. I do feel that you needed a bit of a break after their escape -- let them grieve and feel the death of their daughter -- it will give greater weight to their decision to wreak vengeance on their enemies.</p><p></p><p>This is a very strong story, Rodrigo. It needs more specific details like the "cantalo" to really elevate it to something special, but a very good Ceramic DM entry indeed.</p><p></p><p>Very good picture use. The turtle eggs were a creative choice for that picture.</p><p></p><p>I enjoyed reading this. Thank you.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Decision: Rodrigo Istalindir</p><p></p><p></p><p>Mythago-</p><p></p><p>THE PENITENT MAN (Noskov)</p><p></p><p>A good story thread, a good beginning, a great ending, and a somewhat </p><p>muddled middle.</p><p></p><p>I loved the abrupt transition from a surfer story to something with </p><p>higher stakes (though I wondered, if the narrator drowned, why the whole </p><p>dolphin/shark thing mattered). The problem was that it sort of lost its </p><p>way trying to get to the end. The whole discussion with the old man was </p><p>hand-waved--why is the guy asking him things he already knows about? Why </p><p>isn't the narrator asking questions back, like "Who the hell are you and </p><p>how do you know about those murders?"</p><p></p><p>While we get that the narrator is more than a few pixels short of a </p><p>screenshot, after the seminal killings of his brother and father, we </p><p>have no idea about the other eleven. People who looked like his dad? </p><p>People who got him mad? He follows a stranger down into a cave because </p><p>letting him drop to his death is "not my style," but we have no idea </p><p>what the narrator's style is. (It's also a little implausible that he'd </p><p>never have been so much as questioned in the deaths of his father and </p><p>brother, unless he's been a fugitive, but the story implies he's just </p><p>never been caught rather than actively evading a manhunt.)</p><p></p><p>The word "penance" could be used less at the end--the repetition takes </p><p>out some of the punch.</p><p></p><p>Excellent use of the rock picture. I was disappointed by the shark; it </p><p>seemed important but then we find out the narrator drowned; his death </p><p>had nothing to do with the shark at all.</p><p></p><p></p><p>SACRIFICE (Rodrigo Istalindir)</p><p></p><p>A very powerful story, an interesting ending without being a standard </p><p>"happy ending." Very good tie-in of all four pictures to the narrative; </p><p>I particularly liked the use of the face picture to emphasize Simon's </p><p>non-human aspect, and bringing the sea turtles back in again; nice </p><p>contrast between Simon's care of the eggs as a human and his casual </p><p>destruction as a shark.</p><p></p><p>I was a bit put off by the "blow to the back of the head and our hero </p><p>wakes up alone" sequence--surely if the elders were smart enough to kill </p><p>Sarenne and trap her parents in the pit, they'd have made darn sure </p><p>Simon was dead before leaving him alone on the beach.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Judgment this round for RODRIGO</p><p></p><p>Alsih2o-</p><p></p><p> Rodrigo- Wow.</p><p></p><p> Good pic use, straight down the line. The story really maintained my interest without feeling it was overstretched to fit the visuals. There are a couple of misspellings and a few clumsy phrases that I am sure will melt away when you polish this for us post-contest.</p><p></p><p> I like how we get a strong sense of the powers without a need to over-explain them, one of the luxuries of picking your audience. J An environmentalist monster- we need to see this stuff more often.</p><p></p><p>Noskov- Wow.</p><p></p><p> The pic use on the round stones is some of the best pic use I have seen. There are several jarring moments in this story “Now he had my attention.” Is the first and I wondered if the wait was worth it. Then everything got darker.</p><p></p><p> I like the darker. There are a few clumsy moments- you have made a great show of getting me to sympathize with the killer except his motivation to keep following into the woods and down the hole. Something needs to add to his reasoning for me to not be distracted there.</p><p></p><p> The Lonnie pic was really good, the shark pic was alright and the pit pic was the weakest.</p><p></p><p> But wow did that rock pic work well.</p><p></p><p>Judgement- This one is a very tough call for me.. Really strong round- I usually have my decisions ready when I receive the other judges emails, but this one took me a long while. I think Noskovs highs are higher, but I have to side with the consistently good writing of Rodrigo</p><p></p><p> Decision- 3-0 for Rodrigo, thanks to you both</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="alsih2o, post: 1640332, member: 4790"] Barsoomcore- Noskov "The Penitent Man" Okay, a "bad guy gets his comeuppance" story. I'm a sucker for these and this one's not too bad at all. A couple of general comments first: These stories are short -- get to the point quickly. It takes too long to get to "he's a bad guy". The penitence doesn't feel bad enough to justify the story I just read. Sure, chipping stone balls is tedious, but as penance for a serial killer? Okay, now let's get our hands dirty. There's a lot of typos in this story. Please check your work before you submit it: "I swam out and caught a mammoth and rode it" -- he caught a mammoth? Wow, is this Surfin' Pellucidar? :D "I looked out to the see" "I should head in after then next wave" Those are all in one paragraph. You don't do yourself any favours with errors like these. Your style is simple, which is good, and reasonably terse, which is also good. Like many Ceramic entries, your beginning is flabby and your ending slightly underdone. It takes a long time to get to the revelation that our hero is a murderer, and then there's a long period of discussion on his childhood that finally leads into Lonnie's death. THAT scene is very well done, however, and that's where this story really takes off. We have some sympathy for the narrator and his situation, but of course his actions are horrible. You do need to watch out for cliched phrasing: "Like a mad bull," "like fire over a dry hayfield." Use metaphors sparingly and make each one count. Otherwise, just choose the correct word. I think you could have given us more on our narrator's reaction to the deaths of his brother and his father. A clear reaction here would provide us with insight into why he kept killing. Did he enjoy the experience? Why? What part of it did he enjoy? Plot issue: The storm seems very important in the early stages of the story, but it then just disappears. If it's important, it should be important. If it's not, why include it in the first place? "Around my wrists are shackles and I?m not sitting in the chair that Lonnie was in when I arrived." -- Why is this suddenly in present tense? And if he's not sitting in the chair, where is he? This is very confusing. "the piles of spheres he carved eating voraciously" -- He carved spheres that ate voraciously? In the end, this story satisfies. This is a strong Ceramic DM entry, for all its errors and typos. The pictures are used very well, without any throwaways, although getting from the first reference to the second is a bit of a slog. You need to get away from hackneyed phraseology, you need to be more rigorous in your usage and copyediting, and you need to be more ruthless in your cutting. Don't go easy on yourself. You've got a knack for storytelling. Develop it. Thanks for this story. Rodrigo Istalindir "Sacrifice" Whew. There's some real emotion going on in here. The story is simple, a slightly twisted family done wrong by xenophobic neighbors. It builds and resolves nicely, and there's not a lot of fat one these here bones. The opening paragraph needs a little work, though. This -- "Although he was by all appearances a young man" -- is intriguing, but this -- "draining what little strength he had left" -- begs to explain WHY he has little strength left. And this -- "Not that it wouldn't have been exhausting anyway" -- makes me wonder what "it" is, and finally, this -- "if the other parents in the tiny sea-side village were any indication" -- makes me confused as to what they might be indicating. I don't disagree with the closing assertion on children's energy levels, but I'm left wondering what that has to do with anything else. For an opening paragraph, you need to do better than this. After that, however, things settle down nicely. The beach is well-evoked and I am able to picture your scenes clearly. I like the specific use of "cantalo" rather than "fish" -- of course fishermen would never just talk about "fish". The scene in the village could use some enrichening. A little more detail here would be welcome. What does it look like? What does it smell like? More specific choices here would help set up the final moments better. The reunion of Simon and Calliya is touching, though the exposition on were-sharks is a little clumsy. I know she's a were-shark. I just saw her change form, so I figured that out. Your problem is to communicate A) that Simon is just like her, and B) that when Sarenne grows up, she'll be like them, too. It's a lot of information to communicate -- trying to do it all in one paragraph is maybe a little too ambitious. The final scenes play out in a properly fevered rush -- Sarenne's kidnapping, the race to save her, the stranding in the pit and then, at the end, the understanding of impending vengeance. I do feel that you needed a bit of a break after their escape -- let them grieve and feel the death of their daughter -- it will give greater weight to their decision to wreak vengeance on their enemies. This is a very strong story, Rodrigo. It needs more specific details like the "cantalo" to really elevate it to something special, but a very good Ceramic DM entry indeed. Very good picture use. The turtle eggs were a creative choice for that picture. I enjoyed reading this. Thank you. Decision: Rodrigo Istalindir Mythago- THE PENITENT MAN (Noskov) A good story thread, a good beginning, a great ending, and a somewhat muddled middle. I loved the abrupt transition from a surfer story to something with higher stakes (though I wondered, if the narrator drowned, why the whole dolphin/shark thing mattered). The problem was that it sort of lost its way trying to get to the end. The whole discussion with the old man was hand-waved--why is the guy asking him things he already knows about? Why isn't the narrator asking questions back, like "Who the hell are you and how do you know about those murders?" While we get that the narrator is more than a few pixels short of a screenshot, after the seminal killings of his brother and father, we have no idea about the other eleven. People who looked like his dad? People who got him mad? He follows a stranger down into a cave because letting him drop to his death is "not my style," but we have no idea what the narrator's style is. (It's also a little implausible that he'd never have been so much as questioned in the deaths of his father and brother, unless he's been a fugitive, but the story implies he's just never been caught rather than actively evading a manhunt.) The word "penance" could be used less at the end--the repetition takes out some of the punch. Excellent use of the rock picture. I was disappointed by the shark; it seemed important but then we find out the narrator drowned; his death had nothing to do with the shark at all. SACRIFICE (Rodrigo Istalindir) A very powerful story, an interesting ending without being a standard "happy ending." Very good tie-in of all four pictures to the narrative; I particularly liked the use of the face picture to emphasize Simon's non-human aspect, and bringing the sea turtles back in again; nice contrast between Simon's care of the eggs as a human and his casual destruction as a shark. I was a bit put off by the "blow to the back of the head and our hero wakes up alone" sequence--surely if the elders were smart enough to kill Sarenne and trap her parents in the pit, they'd have made darn sure Simon was dead before leaving him alone on the beach. Judgment this round for RODRIGO Alsih2o- Rodrigo- Wow. Good pic use, straight down the line. The story really maintained my interest without feeling it was overstretched to fit the visuals. There are a couple of misspellings and a few clumsy phrases that I am sure will melt away when you polish this for us post-contest. I like how we get a strong sense of the powers without a need to over-explain them, one of the luxuries of picking your audience. J An environmentalist monster- we need to see this stuff more often. Noskov- Wow. The pic use on the round stones is some of the best pic use I have seen. There are several jarring moments in this story “Now he had my attention.” Is the first and I wondered if the wait was worth it. Then everything got darker. I like the darker. There are a few clumsy moments- you have made a great show of getting me to sympathize with the killer except his motivation to keep following into the woods and down the hole. Something needs to add to his reasoning for me to not be distracted there. The Lonnie pic was really good, the shark pic was alright and the pit pic was the weakest. But wow did that rock pic work well. Judgement- This one is a very tough call for me.. Really strong round- I usually have my decisions ready when I receive the other judges emails, but this one took me a long while. I think Noskovs highs are higher, but I have to side with the consistently good writing of Rodrigo Decision- 3-0 for Rodrigo, thanks to you both [/QUOTE]
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