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Ceramic DM - Spring 2005 (Late Bloomer) - We have a winner.
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<blockquote data-quote="Hellefire" data-source="post: 2341503" data-attributes="member: 28129"><p><strong>Hellefire's Judgements - Round 1</strong></p><p></p><p>As I did last time, I'm going to do my own story critiques and judgements as we go along. Of course, last time I didn't have such a good track record of agreeing with the actual judges. I ended up joking about my kiss of doom. If I voted for you, the judges didn't. But, let's see how this one pans out <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />.</p><p> </p><p>My picture use levels (explanations to come as I further define them):</p><p>abysmal(0) - terrible(1) - very bad(2) - bad(3) - poor(4) - below average(5) - average(6) - above average(7) - good(8) - very good(9) - great(10) - excellent(11) - outstanding(12)</p><p> </p><p>Hellefire vs Speaker vs FireLance:</p><p>[sblock]The Trip (by Hellefire) - Critiquing myself is very, very hard for me to do, but I will try (using some of Eeralai's commentary to help). Re-reading my story, I found one technical typo. I liek the story itself, how it builds on itself, though it is a little vague in points. Jem's fear of bears could/should have been expanded on later, but wasn't. Her best friend DID take off pretty fast (I had added some more, but for some reason thought the our word limit was 4000 and posted before I checked again...oops). I wanted to add another sentence or two talking about the water elementals ability to shapeshift into beings whos bodies they had passed through. I think I made that fairly clear, but I'm not sure. I was trying to instill the idea that elementals reside in all places (water in lake and rain, etc, fire in campfire and cigarette, etc) but maybe it was a bit confusing where the water elementals were. All-in-all, a good story, that maybe I should have used the extra day before posting time to revise a touch. Picture use - woman: very good(9), lake: very good(9), fire: great(10), tiger: average(6). Total: 34. Average: 8.5 (good-very good). Author's note: If I made one person look into their burning cigarette or a campfire, or into water or rain, and wonder, then I did my job.</p><p> </p><p>The Lady for the Tiger (by Speaker) - Four or five technical typos. A very good, esoterical story. Took a little bit to get into it but the chase was a great piece of writing. The fire-to-chase intensity connection was very well done. I guess losing the woman as a woman was sad, but I was a little confused about that point (the sadness), or did that come fom the tiger dying? It seemed to be about witnessing the death of the last Bengal, whcih wasn't really the last because it was resurrected in the woman, I guess? Though, unless she was pregnant, it wouldn't revitalize the species anyway. And I was confused about why they just faded away at the end. Where did they go? I type a lot of criticisms, but really I liked the story a LOT. Picture use - woman: very good(9), lake: average(6), fire: great(10), tiger: great(10). Total: 35. Average: 8.75 (good-very good*2).</p><p> </p><p>Judgement (by FireLance) - I didn't see any technical typos (kudos). The story was short and direct. I didn't mind this so much, it was well written and flowed well in general. It was a little, hm, abrupt I guess. I had a little problem with the cave of Judgement thing. You are judging yourself? While I appreciate this, and it applies to my feelings of life in general, most people don't so something if they think it is wrong. If they decide it is wrong, they feel bad, and hopefully try to make amends. So the cave of judgement just boiled down to a time-out to think about it. And, the villagers were very upset with him, but then would accept him to live among them if he chose. It seems they would either be angry, or understanding, but it seemed to jump from one to the other immediately. I liked the change from bad day to good day. I liked the lake and fresh beginning for his people and melting snow. It was a good story, but I think it should have been a little more fleshed out. Picture use - woman: very good(9), lake: good(8), fire: good(8), tiger: excellent(11). Average: 9 (very good).</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>My judgement - FireLance had the best use of pictures, but I think his story needs a little more work. Speaker had slightly better use of pictures than I did, but more typos, and left me confused about more things (then again I wrote mine <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> ). I can't be objective about mine but I'll give it to you anyway: my vote is for Hellefire 2-1-1.[/sblock]</p><p> </p><p>Berandor vs BigTom vs Bibliophile:</p><p>[sblock]Disillusionment (by Berandor) - I saw a couple technical typos. Part of me says hey, that's understandable, English is your second language. But, I think I am going to hold you to the same standards as everyone else. Partly because it was such a great story. It really was. Though, you call *me* cruel. The ended surprised me. I really expected a happy ending. That gives it more strength in a way - I don't like predictable stories much. I was pretty gripped throughout. Reminded me a bit of that J-Lo movie, can't remember the name right now. When she was inside people's heads. Great imagery. The monster thing was a bit weak, and it's resolution didn't explain to me how she figured out that the child was doing it to herself. I liked all the references to the wind witch thing, though you mentioned that her mother would have been disappointed then left that lead not going anywhere. Also, she tasted the water/tears which said Do Not Drink, and nothing happened. I thought the sign was a pretty good indication that something would happen. Her weakening at the end might have been a result of that, but I might just be reaching to explain things to myself. </p><p>also, why did s/he hld the sword in mock salute? It being a serious situation, I would expect it to be in real salute. Also, I was a little bothered at the beginning that the husband asked her if she could save his wife, and was concerned about her answers, then flat-out told her that he didn't think she could anyway, as if he never thought she could. I wasn't sure why he would question her so much when his mind was already made up about her anyway. A great story; I can't find much to criticize. Glad it wasn't against me this round <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />. Picture use: bubbles: good(8), knight: good(8), ladder: good(8), girl: great(10). Total: 34. Average: 8.5 (good-very good).[/sblock]</p><p> </p><p>Aaron</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hellefire, post: 2341503, member: 28129"] [b]Hellefire's Judgements - Round 1[/b] As I did last time, I'm going to do my own story critiques and judgements as we go along. Of course, last time I didn't have such a good track record of agreeing with the actual judges. I ended up joking about my kiss of doom. If I voted for you, the judges didn't. But, let's see how this one pans out :). My picture use levels (explanations to come as I further define them): abysmal(0) - terrible(1) - very bad(2) - bad(3) - poor(4) - below average(5) - average(6) - above average(7) - good(8) - very good(9) - great(10) - excellent(11) - outstanding(12) Hellefire vs Speaker vs FireLance: [sblock]The Trip (by Hellefire) - Critiquing myself is very, very hard for me to do, but I will try (using some of Eeralai's commentary to help). Re-reading my story, I found one technical typo. I liek the story itself, how it builds on itself, though it is a little vague in points. Jem's fear of bears could/should have been expanded on later, but wasn't. Her best friend DID take off pretty fast (I had added some more, but for some reason thought the our word limit was 4000 and posted before I checked again...oops). I wanted to add another sentence or two talking about the water elementals ability to shapeshift into beings whos bodies they had passed through. I think I made that fairly clear, but I'm not sure. I was trying to instill the idea that elementals reside in all places (water in lake and rain, etc, fire in campfire and cigarette, etc) but maybe it was a bit confusing where the water elementals were. All-in-all, a good story, that maybe I should have used the extra day before posting time to revise a touch. Picture use - woman: very good(9), lake: very good(9), fire: great(10), tiger: average(6). Total: 34. Average: 8.5 (good-very good). Author's note: If I made one person look into their burning cigarette or a campfire, or into water or rain, and wonder, then I did my job. The Lady for the Tiger (by Speaker) - Four or five technical typos. A very good, esoterical story. Took a little bit to get into it but the chase was a great piece of writing. The fire-to-chase intensity connection was very well done. I guess losing the woman as a woman was sad, but I was a little confused about that point (the sadness), or did that come fom the tiger dying? It seemed to be about witnessing the death of the last Bengal, whcih wasn't really the last because it was resurrected in the woman, I guess? Though, unless she was pregnant, it wouldn't revitalize the species anyway. And I was confused about why they just faded away at the end. Where did they go? I type a lot of criticisms, but really I liked the story a LOT. Picture use - woman: very good(9), lake: average(6), fire: great(10), tiger: great(10). Total: 35. Average: 8.75 (good-very good*2). Judgement (by FireLance) - I didn't see any technical typos (kudos). The story was short and direct. I didn't mind this so much, it was well written and flowed well in general. It was a little, hm, abrupt I guess. I had a little problem with the cave of Judgement thing. You are judging yourself? While I appreciate this, and it applies to my feelings of life in general, most people don't so something if they think it is wrong. If they decide it is wrong, they feel bad, and hopefully try to make amends. So the cave of judgement just boiled down to a time-out to think about it. And, the villagers were very upset with him, but then would accept him to live among them if he chose. It seems they would either be angry, or understanding, but it seemed to jump from one to the other immediately. I liked the change from bad day to good day. I liked the lake and fresh beginning for his people and melting snow. It was a good story, but I think it should have been a little more fleshed out. Picture use - woman: very good(9), lake: good(8), fire: good(8), tiger: excellent(11). Average: 9 (very good). My judgement - FireLance had the best use of pictures, but I think his story needs a little more work. Speaker had slightly better use of pictures than I did, but more typos, and left me confused about more things (then again I wrote mine :) ). I can't be objective about mine but I'll give it to you anyway: my vote is for Hellefire 2-1-1.[/sblock] Berandor vs BigTom vs Bibliophile: [sblock]Disillusionment (by Berandor) - I saw a couple technical typos. Part of me says hey, that's understandable, English is your second language. But, I think I am going to hold you to the same standards as everyone else. Partly because it was such a great story. It really was. Though, you call *me* cruel. The ended surprised me. I really expected a happy ending. That gives it more strength in a way - I don't like predictable stories much. I was pretty gripped throughout. Reminded me a bit of that J-Lo movie, can't remember the name right now. When she was inside people's heads. Great imagery. The monster thing was a bit weak, and it's resolution didn't explain to me how she figured out that the child was doing it to herself. I liked all the references to the wind witch thing, though you mentioned that her mother would have been disappointed then left that lead not going anywhere. Also, she tasted the water/tears which said Do Not Drink, and nothing happened. I thought the sign was a pretty good indication that something would happen. Her weakening at the end might have been a result of that, but I might just be reaching to explain things to myself. also, why did s/he hld the sword in mock salute? It being a serious situation, I would expect it to be in real salute. Also, I was a little bothered at the beginning that the husband asked her if she could save his wife, and was concerned about her answers, then flat-out told her that he didn't think she could anyway, as if he never thought she could. I wasn't sure why he would question her so much when his mind was already made up about her anyway. A great story; I can't find much to criticize. Glad it wasn't against me this round :). Picture use: bubbles: good(8), knight: good(8), ladder: good(8), girl: great(10). Total: 34. Average: 8.5 (good-very good).[/sblock] Aaron [/QUOTE]
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