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Ceramic DM - Spring 2005 (Late Bloomer) - We have a winner.
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<blockquote data-quote="Berandor" data-source="post: 2341505" data-attributes="member: 225"><p>So... the other stories.</p><p></p><p>First off, does anybody else think the contrast of the dark grey background and the black cursor in the default style is a little low? When editing my story, I could hardly see where the cursor was. I'm writing this in stealth mode, which works far better <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>In order of posting, and please remember these are only my opinions and I am not an editor or teacher:</p><p><strong>Hellefire, The Trip</strong></p><p>[sblock]It's a dramatic story, I'll give you that. I enjoyed it for the symbolism, though I could have done with a little less insistance on change. In all three of your narratives, the characters say something like "We must change, change is good, change is everything." By the third time, it feld redundant.</p><p>Also, I'll have to echo Eeralai's comments regarding Sara. They're in the wilderness, and a man shows up, and she leaves her friend alone? And I was confused with the water elementals, too. Maybe it was on purpose, to have a surprise twist, and I buy it with the tobacco/smoke elementals, but for a moment I wondered how the water elementals had gone from lake to cloud so quick. Maybe switching the order of the inserts around (so water when sitting at the lake, and fire when swimming) would help?</p><p>Still, the narative drove me onward, and I had to see the conclusion. The final scene was excellent, I thought. Very nice.</p><p><u>The Pictures</u></p><p>I thought your pictures were used fine, but not spectacularly. In hindsight, I'm sot sure what the "woman" is supposed to show. Is it Jem in her funeral gown, and if so, are you saying that Jem is trapped in her dead body, aware of everything? That's cruel! The "sunset" was very nice, especially with the drugs enhancing the otherworldy beauty of nature (heh). "coal" was great, really a great picture use. The afterglow of their love-making, the focus on one spot, one detail - wonderful. On the other hand, I thought "tiger" was thrown in. A raindrop changes into a tiger, in a cloud, and then changes back again. I could see no reason behind it being a white tiger, other than it was a required pic. [/sblock]</p><p></p><p><strong>Speaker, The Lady For The Tiger</strong></p><p>[sblock]Up front, you've got quite a few small mistakes in the story: missing words, spelling errors, time shifts. I'd suggest one more read-through before posting, because when stories are of similar quality, these details will often make the difference (but generally not in the first round, so no worries <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />).</p><p>Also with regards to editing: You have a lot (and I mean a lot) of "now" and "then" in the story. I'd guess you can cut 80% of them and still keep the flow of events understandable while at the same time making your language stronger.</p><p>Your story is a strange beast, I must say. I'm still not clear on what the man and woman were doing by the fire, what importance the woman changing to a tiger had, and why the slain animal healed its wounds (yet nobody seemed to care about that). On the other hand, I was totally engrossed in the narrative of the hunt, captivated, so I'm not sure it's important the story made sense. It was a good read, nonetheless. Thanks!</p><p><u>The Pictures</u></p><p>The "tiger" was very well employed, I thought. We'd been in the animal's mindset for some time, and so at least I felt for it and hoped it would survive the fall and subsequent swim. The "woman" was alright, and you explained the net in front of her face as she changed to her animal form. However, without seeing the reason for her being a changeling, it's not that well explained, either. The "coal" was good, as well. The longer the man was in the tiger's mind, the more detailed the fire became, so getting to the coal was then a sign of utmost concentration. The "lake" at the end was fine; it gave me the sense of something greater that the characters had just been a part of, made the spell they cast more ritualistic.[/sblock]</p><p></p><p><strong>FireLance, Judgement</strong></p><p>[sblock]</p><p>A very short story. I was worried a little bit because the only real conflict was quickly over (right at the beginning, the fight against the snow-demon). But somehow, it worked, maybe even because of the lack of conflict. This story seemed to me more like a parabel, like a story told to a tribe's young ones to explain where the fire came from, than an actual event. You know, being responsible for the path we take, not resorting to hate - these moral lessons strewn in really made this into a campfire story for children to me.</p><p>Still, as a story, there *is* a lack of conflict. The oracle lets Thogar choose his own path, the villagers will gladly house him even after he tried to steal the flame, and when Thogar meets the Snow Demon again, he can turn his back to the cat and calmly search the shore, then run to the rocks without danger. As I said, though, that made the Snow Demon more into a symbol of cold, hunger and fear to me, than a real demon.</p><p><u>The Pictures</u></p><p>The "tiger" is the Snow Demon. I really liked that idea, even though the pic came so fast. I liked the pic so much I was hoping for a little more built-up <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Otherwise, it was fine, I think. The "lady", or oracle was also a nice use, since the pic does look mysterious, and the fact that her body is in shadow while her face is alight was a nice touch. The "coal" was the warding flame Thogar tried to take, and the heat opposing the Snow Demon fit thematically. Finally, the "lake" is where Thogar finds the coals of the Warding Flame, and where he changes the future of his tribe. It seems possible to find such mythical things at the shores of this lake, so well done, again. Competent picture use through-out.[/sblock]</p><p></p><p>So... nobody used the "coals" to make a fire elemental (or magma, or coal)? Come on! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>Waiting for the next stories to come along, now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Berandor, post: 2341505, member: 225"] So... the other stories. First off, does anybody else think the contrast of the dark grey background and the black cursor in the default style is a little low? When editing my story, I could hardly see where the cursor was. I'm writing this in stealth mode, which works far better :) In order of posting, and please remember these are only my opinions and I am not an editor or teacher: [b]Hellefire, The Trip[/b] [sblock]It's a dramatic story, I'll give you that. I enjoyed it for the symbolism, though I could have done with a little less insistance on change. In all three of your narratives, the characters say something like "We must change, change is good, change is everything." By the third time, it feld redundant. Also, I'll have to echo Eeralai's comments regarding Sara. They're in the wilderness, and a man shows up, and she leaves her friend alone? And I was confused with the water elementals, too. Maybe it was on purpose, to have a surprise twist, and I buy it with the tobacco/smoke elementals, but for a moment I wondered how the water elementals had gone from lake to cloud so quick. Maybe switching the order of the inserts around (so water when sitting at the lake, and fire when swimming) would help? Still, the narative drove me onward, and I had to see the conclusion. The final scene was excellent, I thought. Very nice. [u]The Pictures[/u] I thought your pictures were used fine, but not spectacularly. In hindsight, I'm sot sure what the "woman" is supposed to show. Is it Jem in her funeral gown, and if so, are you saying that Jem is trapped in her dead body, aware of everything? That's cruel! The "sunset" was very nice, especially with the drugs enhancing the otherworldy beauty of nature (heh). "coal" was great, really a great picture use. The afterglow of their love-making, the focus on one spot, one detail - wonderful. On the other hand, I thought "tiger" was thrown in. A raindrop changes into a tiger, in a cloud, and then changes back again. I could see no reason behind it being a white tiger, other than it was a required pic. [/sblock] [b]Speaker, The Lady For The Tiger[/b] [sblock]Up front, you've got quite a few small mistakes in the story: missing words, spelling errors, time shifts. I'd suggest one more read-through before posting, because when stories are of similar quality, these details will often make the difference (but generally not in the first round, so no worries :)). Also with regards to editing: You have a lot (and I mean a lot) of "now" and "then" in the story. I'd guess you can cut 80% of them and still keep the flow of events understandable while at the same time making your language stronger. Your story is a strange beast, I must say. I'm still not clear on what the man and woman were doing by the fire, what importance the woman changing to a tiger had, and why the slain animal healed its wounds (yet nobody seemed to care about that). On the other hand, I was totally engrossed in the narrative of the hunt, captivated, so I'm not sure it's important the story made sense. It was a good read, nonetheless. Thanks! [u]The Pictures[/u] The "tiger" was very well employed, I thought. We'd been in the animal's mindset for some time, and so at least I felt for it and hoped it would survive the fall and subsequent swim. The "woman" was alright, and you explained the net in front of her face as she changed to her animal form. However, without seeing the reason for her being a changeling, it's not that well explained, either. The "coal" was good, as well. The longer the man was in the tiger's mind, the more detailed the fire became, so getting to the coal was then a sign of utmost concentration. The "lake" at the end was fine; it gave me the sense of something greater that the characters had just been a part of, made the spell they cast more ritualistic.[/sblock] [b]FireLance, Judgement[/b] [sblock] A very short story. I was worried a little bit because the only real conflict was quickly over (right at the beginning, the fight against the snow-demon). But somehow, it worked, maybe even because of the lack of conflict. This story seemed to me more like a parabel, like a story told to a tribe's young ones to explain where the fire came from, than an actual event. You know, being responsible for the path we take, not resorting to hate - these moral lessons strewn in really made this into a campfire story for children to me. Still, as a story, there *is* a lack of conflict. The oracle lets Thogar choose his own path, the villagers will gladly house him even after he tried to steal the flame, and when Thogar meets the Snow Demon again, he can turn his back to the cat and calmly search the shore, then run to the rocks without danger. As I said, though, that made the Snow Demon more into a symbol of cold, hunger and fear to me, than a real demon. [u]The Pictures[/u] The "tiger" is the Snow Demon. I really liked that idea, even though the pic came so fast. I liked the pic so much I was hoping for a little more built-up :) Otherwise, it was fine, I think. The "lady", or oracle was also a nice use, since the pic does look mysterious, and the fact that her body is in shadow while her face is alight was a nice touch. The "coal" was the warding flame Thogar tried to take, and the heat opposing the Snow Demon fit thematically. Finally, the "lake" is where Thogar finds the coals of the Warding Flame, and where he changes the future of his tribe. It seems possible to find such mythical things at the shores of this lake, so well done, again. Competent picture use through-out.[/sblock] So... nobody used the "coals" to make a fire elemental (or magma, or coal)? Come on! :) Waiting for the next stories to come along, now. [/QUOTE]
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