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Ceramic DM - Spring 2005 (Late Bloomer) - We have a winner.
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<blockquote data-quote="FireLance" data-source="post: 2343708" data-attributes="member: 3424"><p>Okay, finally managed to sit down and read through all the stories. Thanks to Hellefire and Berandor for commenting on mine. My own comments on the stories for Round 1.1 and 1.2 follow.</p><p></p><p>[sblock]<strong>Round 1.1</strong></p><p></p><p>Hellefire: The Trip</p><p>I thought the premise of the story was very creative, even if it was rather difficult to follow. There were a couple of things that bugged me about it though. One was the idea that water fairies could be killed by fire - it just seems such a mundane way for magical creatures to die. Maybe they should have been killed by fire fairies, or something. As a secondary thought, it must mean that fire fairies are very short-lived. Where do they go when the fire is put out? The other was the tiger picture, which was referenced without really describing it. It was a mistake I made in my first CDM competition. Describing it as "a large, white, cat-shaped monster" instead of "something large" would have been better, I think.</p><p></p><p>Speaker: The Lady For The Tiger</p><p>I think I "got" the story on the first reading, althought it seems to have confused a couple of prior commentators. The man and woman seemed to be wizards out to save the last white tiger from being killed. The man linked minds with the white tiger to monitor its situation, the woman polymorphed into an identical white tiger, and just as the shot was fired, they froze time, the woman-turned-tiger switched places with the "real" tiger, and was killed in its place. The man and tiger then teleported out. I thought it was a great story, and the way the two separate but linked narratives wound through each other was an excellent stylistic technique. The pictures of the ash and the sunset (I assume it should have been referenced towards the end?) were evocative, but somehow didn't seem significant enough to warrant illustration. However, that could just be my own bias towards writing for CDM: I try to ensure that the pictures illustrate important story elements - a major character, an important object, or a significant scene.</p><p></p><p>FireLance: Judgement</p><p>Yes, it is a short story. Writing well takes a great deal of time and effort for me, and it is one of the reasons why I participate in CDM - to hone my ability to write well under time pressure. I was aiming for a folk tale feel, and from Berandor's comments, I seem to have succeeded to some degree. However, I think elements that seemed more like an action story narrative crept in, as well as several instances of telling, instead of showing. I definitely need to remove the rust on the old writing skills. Ah well, there's always the Summer round. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p><strong>Round 1.2</strong></p><p></p><p>Berandor: Disillusionment</p><p>A good story, with a sad ending. You made me care about Sharon and I was really disappointed that she didn't pull through, so - good work. Only one quibble - I thought it might have been possible to foreshadow Zephyr's displeasure by making the wind somehow responsible for her discovery or failure. Perhaps she was discovered because an errant breeze blew a document that the doctor was holding into the room, and he came in after it, or a gale blew down the power cables leading to the hospital, and Sharon died before the emergency power could be activated.</p><p></p><p>BigTom: Andor's Quest</p><p>The story reads like a typical sword-and-sorcery narrative, and the use of the reflective bubbles to see the multiplicity of possible futures is an interesting idea. I thought the story ended rather abruptly, but that is common in CDM because of the time pressure. I also felt that the story got off to a slow start, and there was quite a bit of background that never actually got used (the whole bit about Andor being heir to the throne, for example). Cutting it out or summarizing it would have made the story flow better and made the narrative tighter, in my opinion.</p><p></p><p>Bibliophile: Saint Michael The Immortal</p><p>A really funny story. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" /> The use of the cave ladder seemed rather weak, though, as it doesn't really play a significant role in the story, but otherwise, I liked it a lot. [/sblock]</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="FireLance, post: 2343708, member: 3424"] Okay, finally managed to sit down and read through all the stories. Thanks to Hellefire and Berandor for commenting on mine. My own comments on the stories for Round 1.1 and 1.2 follow. [sblock][B]Round 1.1[/B] Hellefire: The Trip I thought the premise of the story was very creative, even if it was rather difficult to follow. There were a couple of things that bugged me about it though. One was the idea that water fairies could be killed by fire - it just seems such a mundane way for magical creatures to die. Maybe they should have been killed by fire fairies, or something. As a secondary thought, it must mean that fire fairies are very short-lived. Where do they go when the fire is put out? The other was the tiger picture, which was referenced without really describing it. It was a mistake I made in my first CDM competition. Describing it as "a large, white, cat-shaped monster" instead of "something large" would have been better, I think. Speaker: The Lady For The Tiger I think I "got" the story on the first reading, althought it seems to have confused a couple of prior commentators. The man and woman seemed to be wizards out to save the last white tiger from being killed. The man linked minds with the white tiger to monitor its situation, the woman polymorphed into an identical white tiger, and just as the shot was fired, they froze time, the woman-turned-tiger switched places with the "real" tiger, and was killed in its place. The man and tiger then teleported out. I thought it was a great story, and the way the two separate but linked narratives wound through each other was an excellent stylistic technique. The pictures of the ash and the sunset (I assume it should have been referenced towards the end?) were evocative, but somehow didn't seem significant enough to warrant illustration. However, that could just be my own bias towards writing for CDM: I try to ensure that the pictures illustrate important story elements - a major character, an important object, or a significant scene. FireLance: Judgement Yes, it is a short story. Writing well takes a great deal of time and effort for me, and it is one of the reasons why I participate in CDM - to hone my ability to write well under time pressure. I was aiming for a folk tale feel, and from Berandor's comments, I seem to have succeeded to some degree. However, I think elements that seemed more like an action story narrative crept in, as well as several instances of telling, instead of showing. I definitely need to remove the rust on the old writing skills. Ah well, there's always the Summer round. :) [B]Round 1.2[/B] Berandor: Disillusionment A good story, with a sad ending. You made me care about Sharon and I was really disappointed that she didn't pull through, so - good work. Only one quibble - I thought it might have been possible to foreshadow Zephyr's displeasure by making the wind somehow responsible for her discovery or failure. Perhaps she was discovered because an errant breeze blew a document that the doctor was holding into the room, and he came in after it, or a gale blew down the power cables leading to the hospital, and Sharon died before the emergency power could be activated. BigTom: Andor's Quest The story reads like a typical sword-and-sorcery narrative, and the use of the reflective bubbles to see the multiplicity of possible futures is an interesting idea. I thought the story ended rather abruptly, but that is common in CDM because of the time pressure. I also felt that the story got off to a slow start, and there was quite a bit of background that never actually got used (the whole bit about Andor being heir to the throne, for example). Cutting it out or summarizing it would have made the story flow better and made the narrative tighter, in my opinion. Bibliophile: Saint Michael The Immortal A really funny story. :D The use of the cave ladder seemed rather weak, though, as it doesn't really play a significant role in the story, but otherwise, I liked it a lot. [/sblock] [/QUOTE]
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