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Ceramic DM - Spring 2005 (Late Bloomer) - We have a winner.
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<blockquote data-quote="Berandor" data-source="post: 2343961" data-attributes="member: 225"><p>Firelance, thank you for your comments. Your idea re: Zephyr is great! If I revisit the story, I'll definitely include something like it.</p><p></p><p>Hellefire, two things I'm not clear about:</p><p>[sblock]</p><p></p><p>Since we're already in the mindscape, this whole paragraph has already happened. It's probably an awkward style, but is it still wrong then? </p><p> </p><p></p><p>The "good news" is that Sharon isn't gone yet. Cassie having transported herself to the mindscape is just a part of that thought. Or would: "...so Sharon's sould hadn't departed yet. That was the good news. Cassie had transported herself to Sharon's mindscape." be better? </p><p> </p><p></p><p>See above <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> it's already happened.[/sblock]</p><p>But as I said, very helpful! Thanks.</p><p></p><p>Now, I head to the new stories with some trepidation. I have my own ideas about the pictures, naturally, and I am quite aware of some of my story's flaws, so your stories are at once at a disadvantage and an advantage <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Still, it feels a little awkward.</p><p></p><p><strong>BigTom, Andor's Quest</strong></p><p>[sblock]I really enjoyed the tapestry you weave in your story. The world you describe seems logical and cohesive, and your protagonist was believable. While I enjoyed the general story, some details seemed a little off. In the first part, we get a lot of exposition we don't really need for the story (such as how the old king died). I also wasn't too sure how to classify Andor: Is he a young man (or still a boy)m or an experienced fighter? Is he inexperienced, or does he have a lot of knowledge about demons (like their etheral jaunting). And what was the mountain king's plan in luring Andor to the next room? These are just minor details however. What I mostly missed was a resolution. The story ended very abruptly. What would the mountain tribes do now? How would killing the king help Andor with his quest for the crown? You could say I wanted more, which is always a good sign. But the story seemed like "part 1" to me, similar to when Sam and Frodo stood above Mordor at the end of "Fellowship of the Ring". But I still enjoyed reading the story and its atmosphere.</p><p><em>The Pictures</em></p><p>I must admit I have a penchant for literal picture use. It's a flaw of mine, since I haven't noticed anyone being told off for liberal interpretations, but that's why both of your "trampoline" pics really surprised me <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p>Overall, I thought your pictures were fine. The "caleidoscope" pic was a nice touch, with the possible futures swirling in front of Andor. A very cool idea. The "ladder" pic and the "knight" pic were alright, but compared to the valley and the guardians, they weren't too important to the story. I know I struggled with this, as well (that's why the earth shakes and almost knocks Cassie off the ladder). The "trampoline" pic was a liberal use (see above), but I found it very fitting. Funny how all three of us focused on the blur as flames <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p>[/sblock]</p><p></p><p><strong>Bibliophile (Bib), Saint Michael the Immortal</strong></p><p>[sblock]</p><p>This story really threw me for a loop, which is aways a good thing. I didn't notice any offensive words, but I must admit it bordered on being too irreverent to me. Otherwise, I really enjoyed Michael's travels and travails. The "Indian" part rang a little strange to me, too, but like me, you changed settings to fit each picture. By having your protagonist be an immortal angel, these changes are allowed, however, so you get away with it (hopefully I do, too).</p><p><em>The Pictures</em></p><p>I must admit I have a penchant for literal picture use. It's a flaw of mine, since I haven't noticed anyone being told off for liberal interpretations, but that's why both of your "trampoline" pics really surprised me <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p>Having the "caleidoscope" be Michael's drugged vision was a great idea. I almost laughed out loud, and I read this at work, so well done. The "ladder" wasn't too important, I thought, especially with the strange situation of Christian Native Americans. The "knight" was funny, as well, especially with the previous talk about dragonblood. The "trampoline" pic was a liberal use (see above), but I found it very fitting. Funny how all three of us focused on the blur as flames <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p>[/sblock]</p><p></p><p>All in all, while I was quite satisfied with how my story turned out, both of your entries made me worry about my win. Now I hope at least one judge will vote for me. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Berandor, post: 2343961, member: 225"] Firelance, thank you for your comments. Your idea re: Zephyr is great! If I revisit the story, I'll definitely include something like it. Hellefire, two things I'm not clear about: [sblock] Since we're already in the mindscape, this whole paragraph has already happened. It's probably an awkward style, but is it still wrong then? The "good news" is that Sharon isn't gone yet. Cassie having transported herself to the mindscape is just a part of that thought. Or would: "...so Sharon's sould hadn't departed yet. That was the good news. Cassie had transported herself to Sharon's mindscape." be better? See above :) it's already happened.[/sblock] But as I said, very helpful! Thanks. Now, I head to the new stories with some trepidation. I have my own ideas about the pictures, naturally, and I am quite aware of some of my story's flaws, so your stories are at once at a disadvantage and an advantage :) Still, it feels a little awkward. [b]BigTom, Andor's Quest[/b] [sblock]I really enjoyed the tapestry you weave in your story. The world you describe seems logical and cohesive, and your protagonist was believable. While I enjoyed the general story, some details seemed a little off. In the first part, we get a lot of exposition we don't really need for the story (such as how the old king died). I also wasn't too sure how to classify Andor: Is he a young man (or still a boy)m or an experienced fighter? Is he inexperienced, or does he have a lot of knowledge about demons (like their etheral jaunting). And what was the mountain king's plan in luring Andor to the next room? These are just minor details however. What I mostly missed was a resolution. The story ended very abruptly. What would the mountain tribes do now? How would killing the king help Andor with his quest for the crown? You could say I wanted more, which is always a good sign. But the story seemed like "part 1" to me, similar to when Sam and Frodo stood above Mordor at the end of "Fellowship of the Ring". But I still enjoyed reading the story and its atmosphere. [i]The Pictures[/i] I must admit I have a penchant for literal picture use. It's a flaw of mine, since I haven't noticed anyone being told off for liberal interpretations, but that's why both of your "trampoline" pics really surprised me :) Overall, I thought your pictures were fine. The "caleidoscope" pic was a nice touch, with the possible futures swirling in front of Andor. A very cool idea. The "ladder" pic and the "knight" pic were alright, but compared to the valley and the guardians, they weren't too important to the story. I know I struggled with this, as well (that's why the earth shakes and almost knocks Cassie off the ladder). The "trampoline" pic was a liberal use (see above), but I found it very fitting. Funny how all three of us focused on the blur as flames :) [/sblock] [b]Bibliophile (Bib), Saint Michael the Immortal[/b] [sblock] This story really threw me for a loop, which is aways a good thing. I didn't notice any offensive words, but I must admit it bordered on being too irreverent to me. Otherwise, I really enjoyed Michael's travels and travails. The "Indian" part rang a little strange to me, too, but like me, you changed settings to fit each picture. By having your protagonist be an immortal angel, these changes are allowed, however, so you get away with it (hopefully I do, too). [i]The Pictures[/i] I must admit I have a penchant for literal picture use. It's a flaw of mine, since I haven't noticed anyone being told off for liberal interpretations, but that's why both of your "trampoline" pics really surprised me :) Having the "caleidoscope" be Michael's drugged vision was a great idea. I almost laughed out loud, and I read this at work, so well done. The "ladder" wasn't too important, I thought, especially with the strange situation of Christian Native Americans. The "knight" was funny, as well, especially with the previous talk about dragonblood. The "trampoline" pic was a liberal use (see above), but I found it very fitting. Funny how all three of us focused on the blur as flames :) [/sblock] All in all, while I was quite satisfied with how my story turned out, both of your entries made me worry about my win. Now I hope at least one judge will vote for me. :) [/QUOTE]
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