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Ceramic DM - Spring 2005 (Late Bloomer) - We have a winner.
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<blockquote data-quote="Berandor" data-source="post: 2356206" data-attributes="member: 225"><p>And here I am with the next-to-last, nay the penultimate comment for round 1 <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p><strong>MarauderX, Insight</strong></p><p>[sblock]Very, very nice! I really enjoyed your story, watching two people - well, we don't watch them fall in love, but rather we watch them discover they've already fallen in love. A sweet ending and unusual (in Ceramic DM terms) topic.</p><p>Two things sprang out to me, one of them will be detailed below. The other would be a scarcity of dialogue, especially in the first half of the story. I would have loved to hear Kim talk to Abe, or Liz (what's with the three-letter-names? <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />) confer with the doctor. You could have shown us Abe's gruff demeanor in his reactions to her first visit, maybe in the things he writes on the chalkboard, slowly softening. I know there's a time (and word) limit, but maybe starting the story with Abe in hospital and a short paragraph detailing the situation might have given you some room there. But really, I am a sap at heart, and this story was pretty much down my alley. Thanks.</p><p><em>The Pictures</em></p><p>I felt you had two very nice pics and two more or less throwaways. The "snowman" picture was nice. Not only that I really love the visual, transferring a piece of quiet to Abe with it was a good touch. The "blood cells" were an innovative use; very nice. The "high kick" was just odd; I mean, a nurse and a doctor making Kung-fu sparring in the hospital cafeteria? Finally, the "Fat Jack" (see reveal's entry) was a throwaway, too. The roommate had no real presence in the story, no real function except to appear later on as the pic. I thought at first the pic showed Abe, and I would have applauded you for such a use; being overweight would have instantly formed a connection to his cynical and grumpy demeanor.</p><p>[/sblock]</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Berandor, post: 2356206, member: 225"] And here I am with the next-to-last, nay the penultimate comment for round 1 :) [b]MarauderX, Insight[/b] [sblock]Very, very nice! I really enjoyed your story, watching two people - well, we don't watch them fall in love, but rather we watch them discover they've already fallen in love. A sweet ending and unusual (in Ceramic DM terms) topic. Two things sprang out to me, one of them will be detailed below. The other would be a scarcity of dialogue, especially in the first half of the story. I would have loved to hear Kim talk to Abe, or Liz (what's with the three-letter-names? :)) confer with the doctor. You could have shown us Abe's gruff demeanor in his reactions to her first visit, maybe in the things he writes on the chalkboard, slowly softening. I know there's a time (and word) limit, but maybe starting the story with Abe in hospital and a short paragraph detailing the situation might have given you some room there. But really, I am a sap at heart, and this story was pretty much down my alley. Thanks. [i]The Pictures[/i] I felt you had two very nice pics and two more or less throwaways. The "snowman" picture was nice. Not only that I really love the visual, transferring a piece of quiet to Abe with it was a good touch. The "blood cells" were an innovative use; very nice. The "high kick" was just odd; I mean, a nurse and a doctor making Kung-fu sparring in the hospital cafeteria? Finally, the "Fat Jack" (see reveal's entry) was a throwaway, too. The roommate had no real presence in the story, no real function except to appear later on as the pic. I thought at first the pic showed Abe, and I would have applauded you for such a use; being overweight would have instantly formed a connection to his cynical and grumpy demeanor. [/sblock] [/QUOTE]
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