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Message: <blockquote data-quote="maddman75" data-source="post: 1998515" data-attributes="member: 2673">Madddman vs SigurdLet me tell you about the worst day of my life.It began in a most humiliating way.  The night before, I'd spend the evening at an all-you-can-eat crab shack, throwing back beers and crab legs like there was no tomorrow.  We closed the place down, and I managed to stumble home.  Now naturally, I was quite hung over and slept until almost noon.  I had collapsed on the couch, rather than sleeping in my room with the door closed.  Now why might you ask do I always make sure my door is closed?  Because of Brutus.  Brutus is my bulldog, and he's a heck of a dog, but he ain't right.  Let me tell you about Brutus.Brutus is almost fourteen years old.  He's as loyal as can be and smart as a tack.  Literally.  A thumbtack could outsmart him on a good day.  He's usually not the freshest dog in the neighborhood, given his propensity to sniff out the foulest smelling stuff he can and roll in it.  I end up giving him a bath at least once a week, more than that if he gets into a funk.  One more thing about Brutus.  He LOVES seafood.So I awake, hung over and belly aching from last night's binge.  Not only is my old smelly dog laying on me, but he's licking the inside of my mouth.  I guess the smell of seafood was too tempting to him and he was trying to get him a taste.Anyway, I go to yell 'YALLGEEOUNDOUN' at him.  I don't know what it means, but but father said it, his father said it, and so on.  Its the only phrase guaranteed to get a dog's attention.  When I go to yell though, a deep rumbling in my belly tells me something is amiss.  A horrendous belch erupts into my mouth, and therefore Brutus's mouth.I pushed him off me and ran to the bathroom to rinse my mouth out.  Obviously Brutus disliked the taste of twelve hour old used beer, he was just as disgusted as as I was.<a href="http://www.enworld.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=18503" target="_blank">Picture #1</a>I had thought that was the worst of it, but it had just begun.  I went into my hall closet to get my 'special friend'.  Now I'm a pretty lonely guy, but I'm pretty handy with tools and electronics.  So, as all young geeks dream I built myself a girlfriend robot.  She was not quite complete, all I had managed to get her to do so far was complain that I didn't buy her enough stuff and ask me 'What's wrong?' any time I'm not talking.Appearantly when I had stumbled in the night before I'd walked into my closet door.  She was there, but had fallen apart!  I would need to get some new screws to hold her together.  That would mean I had to go to Radio Shack.  I hate radio shack.So I bagged the pieces up and hauled it out to my car.  My neighbor gave me a weird look.  I wonder what his problem was.  Like he'd never seen someone haul a girl-bot off in a sack before. <a href="http://www.enworld.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=18504" target="_blank">Picture #2</a>I managed to get her into the car and drove off toward Radio Shack.  Traffic was unusually bad, there had to be something going on.  As I turned a corner, I realized why there was so much traffic.  This was the day that the Reenactment Society was having a battle!  They were reenacting Lawrence of Arabia or something.  <a href="http://www.enworld.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=18502" target="_blank">Picture #3</a>I finally managed to make it past the mounted drunken reenactors and wheeled into Radio Shack.  I walked in and asked the clerk if he had any screws.  I was in luck, and managed to get the last pack.  Triumphant, I returned to my car to return home and re-assemble Robo-Girl.Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I turned the key and heard nothing.  The car was utterly dead.  If I was going to salvage this day, I'd have to hike back to my house.  So I threw Robo-Girl on my back and started huffing down the street.It wasn't long before I got back to the Re-enactors.  They were completely blocking the street, there was appearanlty some kind of disagreement.  It seems that at the end of whatever battle they were playing out, the end had to involve a pair of elephants, one from each army meeting and mating in the middle of the battlefield.  They had the two elephants (don't ask me where the got them – I don't want to know!) but the magic wasn't happening.  If I were going to get Robo-Girl home and back together, these elephants would have to hear music.Now I know a thing or two about elephants.  I spent a semester working at the zoo, and I had to feed the things every day.  The thing about elephants is that they are very particular about mating.  The crowd didn't help anything, and they weren't doing the dance.  You see, when one elephant loves another elephant very much they start a special dance, wrapping their trunks around each other and looking into the other's eyes.  Only then, can the magic happen.  And these elephants didn't look like they were in the dancing mood.I got one of the re-enactors and gave him some direction.  Told him to just keep her steady and I'd guide the other elephant into place.  With a little patience we might just make it happen.It was going great.  I mean they were cautious at first, but when they got up close and started wrapping their trunks around each other I thought we were in business.  <a href="http://www.enworld.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=18505" target="_blank">Picture #4</a>Then, my fortune turned south again.  Just as when I had awoken, I felt a great disturbance in my guts.  I could tell it would coming up and I was utterly powerless to stop it.  The belch was loud and clear in the crisp air, audible for nearly a mile.  The bull elephant I was riding trumpeted in surprise at the disturbance and pulled to the side.  So quickly, in fact that I slid off his back and landed right on mine.The female was both shocked and offended at the male's reaction, and bolted.  She didn't trample any of the re-en actors.  No.  She ran at the only open spot that had opened up, the one where I had walked in.  The one where I had sat down Robo-Girl's sack.  Her huge foot mashed Robo-girl into a million pieces.  She then took off down the street.  The re-enactors started trying to calm the now enraged bull,to little effect.  As the cause of all the commotion, I managed to slip away and return home, dejected.  I was still hung over, my Robo-Girl was destroyed, and my feet were killing me.  At least it couldn't get any worse.As I traveled home, I noticed that the female had headed toward my place.  Its pretty easy to track an elephant, especially through a suburb.  I soon arrived home and found the perfect end to the worst day of my life.  The elephant had dropped a nice little (and by little I mean freakin huge) pile right in my front lawn.  It would probably take me hours to clean up.And Brutus had rolled in it.Moral of the story kids?  If you drink to excess your dog will lick the inside of your mouth and an elephant will stomp on your robot girlfriend.  So be good!</blockquote>

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