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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Eeralai" data-source="post: 1998590" data-attributes="member: 15008">Bilboian TrekThe car skid across the pavement, shrieking like a wounded cat.  Liza sighed in relief as she barely missed the snail sliding across the street. (1)“What the Hell, Liza?” yelled Ryan.“There was a snail.”“A snail?  Who cares about a snail?  This is a race, Liza.  I’d rather see snail entrails and stay in the lead than come in second again.”  “It reminded me of The Grapes of Wrath.  I couldn’t hurt it.”“The Grapes of who?”“The Grapes of Wrath.  It’s a mundane book with a chapter about a turtle in it struggling to cross the street.  A truck hits the turtle and flips it over, but it still makes it across.  I wanted the snail to get across too.”“They devoted a whole frickin’ chapter to a turtle crossing the street?  No wonder they’re called mundane books.  What the Hell does “grapes of wrath” mean anyway?  Was it a growth spell gone out of control?”“No, it was from a hymn.”“A what?”“Before the Magic Revival, people used to sing hymns to a god.  I think it’s the god that started Christmas. You should read more mundane novels.”“Why? Any time spent reading something other than a magic book is a waste. It’s my magic that’s going to win us this race.”“Except for the times magic isn’t allowed,” muttered Liza.“What?” snapped Ryan.Liza bit her lip and refrained from arguing further.  She felt the eyes of the camera elf boring into her and squirmed in her seat.  He was perpetually silent, which Liza always translated as disapproval.  She turned her thoughts back to the snail and wondered if it would have an easier time crossing the road than she would crossing the country with her husband.The race had seemed like a good idea at the start.  They both needed a vacation from work, and the prize would open up new possibilities for Ryan’s magic.  Requirements for the team were one human sorcerer and one human mundane.  The race was to cross America in a mundane car with strict rules guiding when magic could be used and when it couldn’t.  The camera elf not only filmed the couple, but watched for any rule breaking. They had fought so much during the audition that Liza was sure they wouldn’t be accepted.  However, the letter arrived welcoming them to the Bilboian Trek, and Ryan had begun his plans for when he won the prized Arkenstone.  They started with 9 other teams, and had managed to stay in while four others had been eliminated.  Each round had a magical prize to help the winning team on the rest of the race. Ryan steamed with anger every time they missed first place, which was four times.  Now, they drove along with a comfortable lead, heading toward New Orleans.“There’s the clue!” shouted Liza.  “It’s on the broken ‘Welcome to New Orleans’ sign.”  She began slowing down the car as they approached the sign.“Don’t slow down!” shouted Ryan.  “Are you stupid or just crazy?”“What do you mean?  We have to get the clue!”  exclaimed Liza, continuing to slow the car.“I’ll use telekinesis.  Don’t stop!”Liza floored the accelerator as Ryan rolled down the window.  She watched in the rearview mirror as he threw some sort of dust out, snapped his fingers and slowly pulled them in while the clue floated to him.“When did you learn how to do that?”“I’ve been reading my magic books.  Not your stupid little novels.”“Well, how was I supposed to know you could do that?”“You could ask.  Hey, slow down the car, the clue can’t catch up.”In the rearview mirror, she saw the clue tailing behind the car like it was flying on a kite string.  She slowed down, but the clue seemed to slow down with the car.  She slowed down more, but still the clue didn’t go through the window to Ryan.“What the Hell?  Stop the car idiot and let me get the clue.”Liza slammed on the breaks causing Ryan to fly forward and bump the camera elf.  He always refused to wear his seat belt.“Are you trying to kill me?’“You said stop the car.”Ryan jumped out, grabbed the clue, jumped in and Liza floored the accelerator once again.  He ripped open the clue and read, “Elevensies: Nuts or Doughnuts?  Choose to travel to a candy factory and make a batch of pralines to send to a candy store or serve beignet to hungry hobbits until you are tipped with the clue.  Magic is forbidden in both places.”“Let’s do the pralines,” said Liza.  “With that one, there’s a definite ending point.”“You are stupid.  Remember?  I’m allergic to peanuts.  We have to serve the hobbits.”“You don’t eat the nuts.  You mix ‘em in with the chocolate.”“What if I get the oil on my hands?  We have to do the doughnuts.”“But we might have to serve a hundred hobbits before we’re tipped with the clue.”“It’ll probably only be like a dozen.  Here’re the directions.”  Ryan read the directions to the famous beignet café, after which ensued yelling about the way Liza was driving and how they were going to get there last if she kept it up.  Liza gripped the steering wheel tightly.  Beads of sweat broke out on her forehead as his shouting grew in volume.  Finally she parked the car and said through gritted teeth, “We have to walk the rest of the way.”“No, we run.  Chris and Alex have probably caught up by now after your spectacular display of ineptness.”“Why don’t you drive?”“I don’t drive mundane cars.  I still don’t understand why that’s what we have to use.  The elves made them illegal years ago.”“You could’ve learned when I did for the show.  I’m sure we’re using them because all the mundane roads are out of use, and they don’t have to worry so much about accidents happening with outsiders on the Trek.”“This way,” pointed Ryan, running around the corner.  They were dodging through crowds of people, elves and hobbits seeing the sights of the French Quarter in New Orleans.Liza followed, and soon they arrived at the café.  Fifty years ago the café would’ve been filled with people enjoying the famous beignet, but since the Revival, hobbits had been the main consumer.  They were fast and small, and whenever a human went to sit down, they found themselves on top of a hobbit who would claim he had been there the whole time.  Usually the human would walk away embarrassed, but occasionally one would start a row and find himself gasping for air amidst rings of pipe smoke.Liza and Ryan were welcomed by a stout, red faced, female hobbit wearing an apron.  “Welcome to our café.  We certainly can use your help today.  Take an apron and start handing out the beignets and coffee.  The ones with the clues have been here the longest and will be here all afternoon.  You might have to serve them a couple of times before they relinquish the clue.”“What?  That’s absurd,” said Ryan.  “This is a race.  Do you understand what a race is?  We can’t wait around for a silly hobbit to make us serve him over and over.”“Ryan!  Don’t be rude!” exclaimed Liza.“I have half a mind to refuse your help,” said the owner.  “You treat my customers that way and I’ll kick you out.  Clue or no clue.”“He’ll behave,” said Liza pulling him away.  “You can’t treat people that way.  She’ll kick us out and then we’ll have to do the pralines.”“Stupid hobbits.  They would be much more productive if they did things other than eat.”  “Come on, Ryan.”  Liza put on her apron and loaded a tray with coffee and doughnuts.  She had been a waitress once and smoothly wove her way through tables, handing out doughnuts and collecting money as if she had worked there for years. She didn’t mind not getting the clue right away because she was earning much needed money through tips.  The Trek gave them only a small allowance to get by on each round, and her tips might be enough for a magic taxi when they had to go places the mundane car wasn’t allowed.  She could sense Ryan’s agitation, however, and wished they had been able to do the pralines.  She was sure most of the other teams were at the factory by now, and knew it would be another close run to the finish for this round.“Just give me the clue!” yelled Ryan.  “I can see it in your pocket!”“I don’t like the way you’ve been servin’ me.  Bugger off.”“Why---““Let it go Ryan.  Go sit down and I’ll get the clue.”  Red faced, Ryan stormed off and let Liza continue the work.“If you weren’t so good, I’d make the both of you leave now,” said the owner when Liza went back for more coffee.  “But all your customers have been praising you, so just don’t let that one back in.”“I’m sorry ma'am,” said Liza.  “He’s a bit out of sorts today.”“How many times have you made that excuse?”Flushed, Liza continued serving until one of the female hobbits said, “Here ye go, lassie.  You’ve earned it, and thanks for the service.”“Thank you, “ said Liza bowing.  She scurried back to the kitchen and thanked the owner before showing Ryan the clue.  “About time. I thought you’d never get it.  Did you have to talk to every freaking hobbit about the weather?”Liza tore open the clue and said, “We have to go to the Mardi Gras museum.  It’s the checkpoint.  Let’s go!”Ryan whipped the map out of his backpack and started shouting directions as they ran through the streets.  As the museum came into view, they saw Chris and Alex stepping off the podium.“Damn it, Liza!” exclaimed Ryan as he threw his map to the ground.  Liza continued running, fearing other couples were close behind.  She arrived at the podium and had to wait a minute before Ryan arrived and a woman next to the elf Glofindel acknowledged them.  “Welcome to New Orleans,” she said, throwing beads over their heads.“Thank you,” said Liza.“Liza and Ryan,” said Glofindel.  “You are team number two.”“That’s good,” said Liza.  “I was worried we were last.”“We would’ve been first,” exploded Ryan, “except you had to pass the time with every hobbit in the café!”“Thank you, Glofindel,” said Liza stepping away from the podium.  He always made her uncomfortable with his penetrating eyes, and Ryan always embarrassed her with his pouty scenes.  They went towards the tent where they had the mandatory interview before their twenty-four hour rest started.  She heard Ryan yelling but didn’t listen to the words.  After refreshing herself and being made up for the camera, Liza sat next to Ryan for the interview.  Ryan went on about how the race was a real growing experience and he was so glad to be sharing it with his loving wife.  He was frustrated about coming in second again, but he was sure they would be first next time.Liza said less than usual.  She tried to say how Ryan was really strong and she was inspired by his forceful personality, but it seemed hollow this time. As if their relationship was puffed up like one of the beignets she had served with nothing inside.  She left the tent after the interview without waiting for Ryan.“Baby!” she heard him calling to her.  “Baby, wait up!  Is something wrong?”“What do you think is wrong?” asked Liza, feeling a surge of freedom away from the camera.  “You’ve been yelling at me for three days straight.”“Ah, baby, you know that’s just for the cameras.  They chose us to be the fighting couple. They want us to behave like that.”  Ryan put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her to him.  She wanted to resist, but found herself relinquishing as usual.“But what does it matter how we act for the camera?  We’re not one of the couples trying to land a screen roll.  We just want the Arkenstone.”  He gently pushed her head on his shoulder and she felt the tension of tears brimming on her eyelids.“But I want people to remember me.  I want them to recognize my name because I’m going to be the most powerful human sorcerer around.”You want them to remember you as a jerk?  she thought to herself, but, instead, said aloud, “I need to go for a walk.  I’m not ready to sleep yet.”“I’ll come with you.”“No, I want to go alone.  Go back to the hotel.”  She felt his eyes watching her and knew he wouldn’t follow.  Sleep time was too valuable to him.She wandered aimlessly through the French Quarter seeing snatches of life but mainly thinking about her own.  Ryan always had an excuse for yelling at her from a bad day at work to acting for the camera.  He pushed her to the verge of break down and then was the most romantic husband ever for a few days after.  When they were first married, it had been all romance.  Then, over time, she found herself excusing his shouting by saying things like, “What other husband has hot paraffin and massage oil waiting for his wife when she gets home from work?” The words, “Original Silmarillions” caught her eye as she walked by an antique bookstore.  She had been told that when the elves first took over, original Silmarillions would sometimes go for $1000 a piece.  It had turned out that most of The Lord of the Rings was true, and those that knew their elven histories were ahead of the rest of society when it came to dealing with the elves.  The elves had actually apologized for the Silmarillion saying that after teaching Tolkien how to write The Lord of the Rings, his elven tutor had thought he could handle the other stuff on his own.  She didn’t realize he would revert to his dry professor ways. They rewrote the Silmarillion, which became a best seller as all elvish books did, and the old Silmarillion didn’t hold its value.Much like me, thought Liza.  What value do I have anymore?After several hours of wandering and eating, she made her way back to the hotel room and found Ryan asleep.  Choosing the empty bed, she flopped down and stared blankly at the floor until sleep overtook her hours later.“Guess what?” asked Ryan, shaking Liza to alertness.  “Terry and Donna were eliminated!  One less team we have to worry about!”“Oh, that’s too bad.  I liked them.”“There’s no room for sentiment.  This is a race.  We need to gather our stuff, eat and get going.  You’ve been sleeping for hours.”Feeling like she had only slept one hour, she dragged her body off the bed to take a shower.  After gathering new equipment and eating, they left for the next round of the race.  Ryan ripped open the clue and read, “’Travel to Amarillo for your next clue.’  Amarillo?  That’s a long ways from here.  What’s the deal?”“That’s the deal,” said Liza pointing to the money.  “They only gave us $100.  At the price the elves are charging us for gas, there’s no way we can make it to Amarillo.  The challenge is to get more money.”“But that’s ridiculous!  They barely gave us enough money for the last round!  What are we supposed to do?  Beg on the streets like the poor kids?”Liza fished into her pocket and pulled out her tip earnings.  “Where did you get that?” asked Ryan, amazed.“Tips,” said Liza simply.“You’re beautiful!” exclaimed Ryan.  He planted a kiss on her forehead and they started their mad dash to the car.At least, thought Liza with the camera rolling behind her, I should get a reprieve from yelling for awhile.It was tight, but the tip money got them to Amarillo.  Liza was exhausted from driving, but Ryan was fresh from sleeping in the back most of the time.  His telekinesis spell was successful this time, and the clue came flying into the car from the Welcome sign.  “Serve it with a Smile,” he read after opening the clue.  “The orcs are tired of frying burgers and fries.  They want to become managers at Elronalds.  One of you must train an orc to smile at three customers as he serves them their meal.  Magic may be used.”“Great,” said Liza.  “This should be easy for you.  You do an excellent charm spell.”  She looked in the rearview mirror and saw Ryan’s race looking like a glob of dough.“I-I can’t do this one,” stuttered Ryan.“What?” yelled Liza.  “This is your time.  You’re always saying your magic is going to win the race!”Ryan suddenly sat up straight and said, “If I do a charm spell, I’ll lose valuable components for other spells which might cost us the game.  You’ll have to train him.”“Me?  But I’m exhausted.  If you’re not going to use your magic, fine, but this one has to be your challenge.  Your fresh and I’m dead.  I’ll be double dead if I try to talk to an orc!”“I’m sure it’s completely safe.  Look how you handled the hobbits.  They loved you!  The orc will love you too.”“I’m not doing it,” said Liza.  “It’s your turn.  I had to serve the hobbits by myself because you made them mad.  You get to do the orc.”“Well look whose not being a team player.  I’m carrying this team alone while your wandering around and then sleeping way late so we barely start on time today.  Now you’re refusing to do a task that is clearly better suited for you. You’re just going to have to do it because I’m tired of carrying this team by myself.  Show a little spunk and quit being such a loser.”Liza saw out of the corner of her eye the camera turning towards her.  She felt blood trickling down her chin from biting her lip so hard.  Silently she drove to Elronalds, parked the car and wiped the blood off her chin so she wouldn’t give the orc any ideas.  All fast food chains, except for one, had been shut down by the elves. When they found out that the orcs actually preferred the taste of burgers and fries to human flesh, the orcs had all been put to work in the Elronalds as cooks.Ignoring Ryan’s calls of “You can do this, baby.  It’ll be easy,” she walked through the entrance.“Where’ve you been?  We thought the first contestants would be here hours ago,” said a tall woman.  “Feermor is getting anxious and causing trouble in the back.  It’s not good to make orcs wait.”“It was a long drive,” said Liza.  She followed the woman back amidst roars of impatience.  Humans shot out of their chairs and out the doors, fearing the orc might come out to the dining room.  As she walked into the kitchen, she saw a fat, black orc with hollow yellow eyes standing in mustard and pickles. (2)“You train?” he asked.“Yes,” said Liza.“Finally!  Start now!”“Uh, let’s wash up first.”“No! Serve first!’“Well, customers prefer their mustard on the burger and not on the server.”  Liza’s voice was thin and quivery. “I prefer the mustard in me.”She stared blankly at him for a minute and then suggested, “Why don’t you just lick it off your arm then?”“Umm, yeah.”  The orc turned his yellow eyes to his arm and licked it clean.“You missed a spot on your apron,” said Liza, trying to by more time.“Huh?” he bent his head down and cleaned off his apron.  “Serve now.”“Okay,” said Liza more confidently.  “How’s your smile?”“What?” growled the orc.“Your smile,” said Liza.  “Like this.”  She grinned tightly but the orc just stared.“I don’t smile.”“Um, but you have to when you serve.”“I don’t smile.”“But if you want to be a manager, you have to smile.”“I don’t smile!” roared the orc.Liza felt her hands shaking.  Ryan would already be done with this task by now, and she didn’t even know where to begin.  She thought about stories she had read in the paper about orcs taunting hobbits whenever they could.  “Um, how do you feel when you find a hobbit without anyone else around and you pick him up and shake him until all his pipe weed and snacks fall to the ground?”“That feel good!” said the orc, baring his teeth and narrowing his eyes to a slit.“That’s it!  That’s the look,” exclaimed Liza.  “Think about shaking a hobbit when you ask ‘May I help you?’ And again when you say ‘Have a nice day.’”“Hobbits funny fellows,” said the orc going out to the cash register.  At least I didn’t have to train him to read, thought Liza.  It took six customers before he served three with a smile.  He ended up roaring at the three others when they couldn’t make up their minds.  With relief, Liza took the next clue and headed for the car.“See baby, you did it no problem,” said Ryan.Ignoring Ryan, she got into the car and ripped open the clue.  She read it to herself and then started the car.“Where are we going?  What’s the clue?”“We’re going to Clovis.”  She pulled out of the parking lot without giving Ryan the rest of the clue.  Eventually he grabbed it and read it to himself.  He started making up excuses about not being able to do the next task, but Liza just ignored him.  As she drove, her eyes began to droop.  They were going to fall behind because she couldn’t drive anymore and Ryan didn’t know how.  She rolled down the window and danced in her seat, but her eyes kept getting narrower and narrower.  Finally she pulled over.“What the Hell, Liza?” yelled Ryan.“I can’t drive anymore.  If you want to, be my guest, but I have to rest.”“The other teams will catch up.”“I’d rather that than be dead on the side of the road.  I’m sure our camera elf agrees.”“You can’t do this to me, Liza!”Liza looked out the window, ignoring his rant.  The sun was setting, and the heat was shimmering with an orange glow, causing the desert to look like a sea.  A tree with white leaves caught her eye (3), and she stepped out of the car.  She could hear Ryan yelling in the background, but kept walking toward the tree.  A door opened and closed, but still she kept heading for the tree.  She stood under it, basking in the beauty of the blossoms.  It was mid-summer, and she’d never seen a tree blossoming in the summer.  “This is beautiful,” she said.“We are rebuilding Lothlorien.”  Liza whipped around and saw the camera elf standing with the camera held down at his side.Startled because he had not said a word since the trip began, she stuttered out, “In the middle of a desert?”“The climates are changing.  Partly because of what humans have done, but partly through the natural way of the world.  Why do you stay with him?”“Well, he can be funny and romantic,” said Liza automatically defensive.“I didn’t ask why you joined him, I asked why you stay with him.”Liza stared at the tree.  She imagined the blossoms falling to the ground like snow, but the tree remaining unchanged.  “I guess change frightens me.  It’s easier to stay with him than to think about finding someone new.”“Must there be someone?  This tree is alone now.  One day it will have many neighbors, but for now it is growing strong by itself.”Liza had never imagined her life alone.  As a child she had had her family and as an adult she had Ryan, straight out of high school.“You don’t need Ryan or anyone else to identify yourself.  The orc liked you.  The hobbits liked you.  They didn’t like you and Ryan.  They liked you.”Liza turned from the tree to the camera elf.  He had never even given them his name. But then, she realized, they had never asked.“A question for the audience,” he said before she could ask.  He lifted up the camera and said, “Why are you on the race?”“To win the Arkenstone.”“That’s why Ryan is here.  Why are you here?”“I-I don’t know.”  She turned toward the car and climbed back in, suddenly no longer tired.“Finally,” said Ryan.  “Let’s get going.”Numbly, Liza started the car, wondering why she was in the race, wondering why she did anything.  It was all for Ryan, she realized.  She had a job so Ryan could have a big house.  She had no kids so that Ryan could have peace.  She was on this race so that Ryan could become a better sorcerer.  When was she going to do something for herself?The car spun through the miles faster as Liza spun through her life.  She heard Ryan saying something about contestants passing them, but she didn’t see them.  Clovis approached, and she saw Shelly and Dillon stopped before her, trying to figure out which way to go.  She slammed on the brakes but Ryan said, “Keep going, idiot.  I’m going to fly the car over them.”“No, Ryan.  We’ll be disqualified.  You can’t use magic on the car.”“You can’t use magic on the mechanics of the car if it breaks down. It doesn’t say anything about enchanting it.”“Yes it does.  You can’t do this!”“We’ll buy off the elves.  I’m not going to be second again.  I’m going to be first for once.”“But this isn’t even---“ her words ceased as the car began to float over the other contestants cars.  Ryan yelled at her to keep steering because she still had control of the direction.  Too late, she went to turn as the car hit electrical wires.  She heard a pop and saw the camera elf cast a spell at Ryan and then the car swung gently down, hanging from the wires. (4)  Ryan rolled back into the rear window since he didn’t have his seat belt on.  The camera elf floated out and opened the door for Liza and floated her to the ground.  Ryan was screaming and beating on the window for someone to let him out.“What are you going to do now?” asked the camera elf.“Are we disqualified?”The camera elf nodded.“I liked serving doughnuts.  Maybe I’ll go back there.”“Alone?”Liza looked up at her husband and nodded.“Glofindel will find that satisfactory.  Good luck.”“Thanks,” said Liza, smiling.  Walking away, she felt a surge of independence.  She wondered if the snail had made it across the road as she finally had.  She had certainly been flipped upside down, but it was Ryan who was left spinning in his shell.  Maybe someday he would make it to the other side, too.(1) Why did the snail cross the road(2) You want a hotdog with that?(3) New U2 album(4) Hangin around</blockquote>

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