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Message: <blockquote data-quote="alsih2o" data-source="post: 1998981" data-attributes="member: 4790">Round 1: Taladas vs. MarauderXPiratecat-Taladas’s Charon CallsI thoroughly enjoyed some of the imagery in this story, but a number ofelements didn’t ring true for me.The writing style of this piece really captured me, as the rhythm andredundant phrasing give it the feel of a movie or a screenplay. I loved thequiet humor that weaves through the story.The style shifts during the piece, though, and that ends up diluting itsimpact. This seems to me to be to be a really hard style to pull off, andTaladas doesn’t quite nail it.  There’s also a distracting lack ofpunctuation (especially commas) throughout that really interfered with myenjoyment.Note that the second half of the tale has a “point of view” shift from Larryto Linda that seems out of place, and a change from present to past tense.Everything else in the story is from Larry’s point of view until Linda triesto frame him.Some of the motivations and character actions were erratic or unexplained.Can Larry only travel between worlds when he’s unconscious? Asleep? In asinkhole? What we think is a hallucination turns out to be real, but Larrydoesn’t even stop to consider his captive the next morning. The act ofkidnapping the passenger seems out of character. Linda’s clumsy attempt toframe Larry seems unnecessary. We never get any idea what makes themonkey-thing tick, or why it wanted to come into our world, or why it endedup killing Larry.  I can’t believe that if it got worse, he’d go home and goto bed while hoping to deal with it in the morning. Even the “Better OffDead” newsboy stealing Larry’s $20 seemed odd, yanking me out of the storywithout adding anything.Ultimately I think that this piece could be improved by adding more backstory of Larry’s “second job” – what it entails, what he does, why he doesit – and by seeing more of his “passenger.” You may have to cut back on thestylistic choices to do this, but I think it would result in a strongerstory.Photo use varies. The sinkhole launched the fun “dream” sequence, but isultimately a random event not tied into the rest of the plot. I liked theuse of the fare and tying him in to the fur hat, but the rest of this scenewas underutilized. . . instead of a fun scene chasing the thing around thestore, we switch to a “time passes.” Finally, I thought the girl with thestuffed mouth was a throwaway picture, since we never learned why thecreature might act like that to her after she rescued him.-- o --MarauderX’s JasperI would not have guessed that anyone was writing a horror story with thesepictures!It’s a good one, too. MarauderX makes good use of color, visual imagery andbody language. His conversation flows pretty well, too, although a fewthings sound stilted. We’re carried along in the story long enough for thepace to pick up and for things to get spooky. MarauderX managed to makelittle orange disks scary, and I wouldn’t have thought that was possible. Hemay have gotten greater visceral impact if he had made them insect egg podsor something similar, but his description of the disks trying to clamber upMarca’s skirt and blouse was very effective.The tale loses momentum in a few places, though. For instance, I noticed thepace slackening between the initial attack on Marca and her trip to theairport. Sure, she was creeped out, but there was no continuing threat toher, and that diluted the tension somewhat.This story would have been better if it ended with David’s “death” in theairport. Instead, we go from a nice and relatively taut horror piece to onewith talking monkeys in a top hat. I’ve got it admit, that inclusion seemedstrained to me. I really liked Jasper’s betrayal of Marca at the end, buthis very appearance strained suspension of disbelief. Foreshadowing may havehelped there. I think that if David’s fate was left a little more in doubt,the second half of the story would have felt less tacked on.Note that there was some awkward phrasing in the first paragraph, the lastline seemed a little awkward, and there was at least one word misuse(“conscious” for “conscience.”) I also think the story could use sometrimming of verbiage, especially in the beginning. There’s too many wordsfor what the story is trying to accomplish.Photo use was mixed. Excellent use of the stuffed mouth, good use of thesinkhole, okay use of the fur hat and the monkey.It’s never fun being first; good job, both of you!  My judgment goes to[sblock]MarauderX. His horror tale held together better than Taladas’shumorous account of a store mage. Both stories had interesting ideas behindthem, but MarauderX did a better job of getting his ideas down on paper andsustaining a mood.[/sblock]Maldur-Taladas vs. MarauderXSinkholes, gates to different worlds, weird little magical creatures.My vote for MarauderXAlsih2o- Taladas-This story relies strongly on rhythms. Buzz, buzz, Larry, Larry, Larry. Ring, ring, click, buzz, buzz.  The pictures aren’t made to do anything but function as what they are, we see no real stretches. As a contrast to the picture use the story telling style stretches itself. The idea of a Charon, the constant rhythms.  I enjoyed the main characters predicament and our view into his world (blah blah). However, I think the repetition and the character were grafted on to the pictures rather than meeting them halfway. Very interesting, I would like to see what you would have done with more than 72 hours, and that is a good sign.  MarauderX- Picture use is a little stronger for MarauderX, mostly because of how important he has made a few ‘Nilla Wafers.  (except for David running his hand through his hair several times, only to be bald in a later picture, but this is minor) MarauderX gives a strong sense of panic at a couple of points on the story and those drew me in. The part about David leaving specific instructions to a bad guy left me confused. Why would this supposed hero guide her directly to her doom? Summation- Both of these stories had some serious strengths, but MarauderX took my vote from a more solid sense of where he was going.  JUDGEMENT- MarauderX wins 3-0, see you next round.</blockquote>

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