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Message: <blockquote data-quote="alsih2o" data-source="post: 2060073" data-attributes="member: 4790">Alsih2o:  Eeralai- Is this college? Did I take something that didn’t agree with my head? The disconnectedness works here, but I am afraid it works a little too well. It can eb hard to find your way around in this story.  The beginning concert is a bit strained, maybe a bit wordy and complex. And then the conversation as they leave strains me further.  But it all hooks me. Something tells me if we had left you with more than three days this would be some kind of successful “Twilight Zone” script.  I am usually not fond of pictures being used as dream imagery, as it is too easy. However, here we have complexity piled on complexity with the dreamlike images. The surreal attitude with which they are handled can be very powerful, and could have been more powerful if we had experienced some of them more. The cold of the car scene returns, but the sign and the bird seem to just waggle in space, waiting for the reader to return to them.  These are not normal images. The reader already knows they are important. This should change how the writer faces them. Partial success to picture use. If they al;l were as strong as the car usage, or if the inherent magic of the friend came out more they may have been stronger. Mythago-  A few more typos and misspellings than I am used to from Mythago. These are VERY disturbing. O.K., they aren’t. But I have to criticize something, right? Frozen cars equal epoxy cars. Dead guy eating brains equals Marine joke. The bird pic is a little weak, everything else here is strong as the day is long. Is everyone watching? This is how it is done. From Pachinko ball thoughts to the abstracted way in which Ray kills. Man, oh, man.  I frequently feel at aloss critiquing some of the stronger work. And I am at a loss.  Judgement: [sblock] Mythago takes this one. Eeralai has been strong and deserves some credit but man did Mythago own her story.[/sblock]Maldur:Eeralai Vs. Mythago round 2Great stuff! this why ceramic dm exists, two great stories.My vote goes for Mythago, his story was more coherent, Eeralai's was goodbut I got confused by the music in the end.Piratecat:Eeralai:I think the best way to hook a reader is to start off with a memorableparagraph. My first impression when starting The Other Side is thatthere are too many commas and complex sentences in the first paragraph.There’s no rhythm yet, and having one would make the beginning stronger.With this comes a tendency to tell and not show -  the ‘bubbly’concertmistress – and a reliance on clumsy sentence construction. Forinstance, compare “The out of tune players in the back of the orchestrareminded her of all the work still ahead of them and she could not let thecoldness come so close to overtaking her again.” to something like “An outof tune violin scraped across her nerves. She had to push the cold away.She had to focus.” Short sentences are especially effective when writingfrom a specific person’s point of view.Once we’re away from the concert, the story grows momentum nicely and theconversation turns much more realistic. I think one of Eeralai’s strengthsis in good conversation, and that’s a skill that most people lack. There aregood, creative concepts in this piece. I liked the way reality shiftedaround Carol, and how the transitions were described. I found the ending tobe something of an anticlimax, though; it struck me as overly pat andsimplistic. I think the story may have been stronger with a more complexending, where Carol’s relief – and the fact that she could feel sorelieved – wasn’t so tangible.Mythago:One of Mythago’s skills is letting shreds of information leak out over thecourse of the story. It was about the point when I got to “vomitingsuper-epoxy” that I went back and reread what had come before. Myassumptions got a jolt, and the story shifted away from where I thought itwas headed. Her talent for describing a person’s personality through theiractions – “Foster's smile spread across his face like an oil slick on water.” – comes across very nicely in this tale.There are a few more typos in the story than I would normally expect. Otherthan that, though, the story is superb. It moves quickly, it contains superbcharacterization, and it’s darned creepy. I’m still inordinately pleasedthat the reason Ray was so dangerous was never explained.Judgment: [sblock]Eeralai made a great showing for a first time competitor, but myjudgment goes to Mythago. Excellent photo use and a deft horror storymanages to sneak past Eeralai’s tale of a woman stuck between two worlds.Well done, both of you.[/sblock] Decision: [sblock] Mythago takes this round 3-0 over an impressive newcomer.[/sblock]</blockquote>

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