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<blockquote data-quote="alsih2o" data-source="post: 2090715" data-attributes="member: 4790"><p>Firelance Vs. Orchid Blossom</p><p></p><p> Firelance’s “Huntress” vs Orchid Blossom “Child’s Play”</p><p></p><p> Piratecat: Okay, dragging myself out of the nasty little depression that my friend’s</p><p>death dumped me into. . . again, my apologies to the competitors.</p><p> </p><p>I liked the concept for Firelance’s story. People hunting down magical</p><p>creations makes for nice story fodder. We’ve got some great action and some</p><p>interesting – if extremely surreal - horror.</p><p></p><p>I definitely felt like too much was explicitly explained, though. The</p><p>paragraph about “Ordinary human beings were purely physical creatures” is</p><p>one that turns out to be pure exposition. We’re told that normal humans can’</p><p>t interact with magical creatures, that traveling is fun, that the Gods give</p><p>the specific types of power. . . but all of this would be much more gripping</p><p>if we were shown it instead. Bits of this turn out drier than they need to</p><p>be as a result.</p><p></p><p>I’ll also mention that the conversations didn’t sound natural to me, even</p><p>the ones that were supposed to sound a bit odd. My rule of thumb (and this</p><p>is going to sound stupid) is that I read the conversations out loud and</p><p>decide if they sound like something that a person would really say. If they</p><p>don’t, that goes down as a place to work on in the future.</p><p></p><p>Overall, the story comes across as a little too disjointed for my personal</p><p>taste. I think that making it third person instead of first person might</p><p>help, but the mixture of modern and ancient elements is something I found</p><p>jarring.</p><p></p><p>Orchid Blossom’s “Child’s Play” starts very strongly: good and realistic</p><p>conversation, gripping mystery presented. The flashback doesn’t work as</p><p>well, though.</p><p></p><p>I think this story would be stronger if there was less of a demarcation</p><p>between “kids at home in bed” and “thrust into weirdness.” Where I wanted</p><p>the moment teased out and – you won’t hear me say this too often – more of a</p><p>background explanation, we’re introduced to the odd little kids who we don’t</p><p>really have any reason to care for or worry about. Without the emotional</p><p>connection, it’s harder for us to care about and figure out what’s happening</p><p>to them. The superhero angle is interesting, but it doesn’t really ring</p><p>true; without any of the normal superhero tropes, the word seems a little</p><p>bit misapplied here.</p><p></p><p>The end seemed abrupt. At less than 1400 words, I think the tale would</p><p>benefit from some additional expansion and explanation.</p><p></p><p>Judgment:</p><p></p><p>[sblock]I both liked and disliked elements of both stories, but my judgment</p><p>goes to Orchid Blossom for more coherent picture integration and a stronger</p><p>narrative.[/sblock]</p><p></p><p> Maldur:</p><p></p><p> orchid blossom vs. FireLance</p><p></p><p>hard choice this time</p><p></p><p>Firelance, I like this story, it has a sense of wonder, for the main</p><p>character and for the reader. And it leaves the story unfinished, one of the</p><p>cruelest things to do to a reader (but in a good way). One thing: she has</p><p>several magics at her disposal, but she does not use them all, and she gets</p><p>another (a spear) to finish the job.</p><p></p><p>Orchid: funny story, it brought a smile to my face. It was a bit short, it</p><p>felt like more. And the ending made me wonder how them kids do their stuff,</p><p>without their mother worrying or interfering.</p><p></p><p></p><p>My vote: [sblock]Firelance, Orchids story had less impact for me.[/sblock]</p><p></p><p> Alsih2o:</p><p></p><p> Firelance- Great picture use. The Cyclops in the jar, the soldiers, even the diving board. </p><p></p><p> But I want a finished story. We have had lots of competitors write “Parts” of stories and some have even boldly tried to write in installments through the competition (I love this, takes guts) but this one really made me believe it was gonna finish.</p><p></p><p> Some of the paragraphs around the chicken fight get thick. I didn’t need to be told how she was special or different, I read this kind of stuff. I assume she is different. I would have preferred all that to come out in the story, rather than in a block.</p><p></p><p> Good stuff.</p><p></p><p> Orchid Blossom- OB really embraces fantasy. No worries here about whther you are keeping up or following along, no matter how fantastic the subject matter is it is taken in everyday stride.</p><p></p><p> This allows all kinds of fantastic picture use, picture use that wouldn’t seem extraordinary because it is treated as everyday moments. And even fantasy is everyday to someone, yes?</p><p></p><p> Good tale.</p><p></p><p> Judgement: [sblock] Firleance did well. A strong story with a good theme and strong pic use. OB just did it all a little better and with an amazing conservation of words. My vote goes to Orchid Blossom.[/sblock]</p><p></p><p> Decision: [sblock] Orchid Blossom takes it 2-1[/sblock]</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="alsih2o, post: 2090715, member: 4790"] Firelance Vs. Orchid Blossom Firelance’s “Huntress” vs Orchid Blossom “Child’s Play” Piratecat: Okay, dragging myself out of the nasty little depression that my friend’s death dumped me into. . . again, my apologies to the competitors. I liked the concept for Firelance’s story. People hunting down magical creations makes for nice story fodder. We’ve got some great action and some interesting – if extremely surreal - horror. I definitely felt like too much was explicitly explained, though. The paragraph about “Ordinary human beings were purely physical creatures” is one that turns out to be pure exposition. We’re told that normal humans can’ t interact with magical creatures, that traveling is fun, that the Gods give the specific types of power. . . but all of this would be much more gripping if we were shown it instead. Bits of this turn out drier than they need to be as a result. I’ll also mention that the conversations didn’t sound natural to me, even the ones that were supposed to sound a bit odd. My rule of thumb (and this is going to sound stupid) is that I read the conversations out loud and decide if they sound like something that a person would really say. If they don’t, that goes down as a place to work on in the future. Overall, the story comes across as a little too disjointed for my personal taste. I think that making it third person instead of first person might help, but the mixture of modern and ancient elements is something I found jarring. Orchid Blossom’s “Child’s Play” starts very strongly: good and realistic conversation, gripping mystery presented. The flashback doesn’t work as well, though. I think this story would be stronger if there was less of a demarcation between “kids at home in bed” and “thrust into weirdness.” Where I wanted the moment teased out and – you won’t hear me say this too often – more of a background explanation, we’re introduced to the odd little kids who we don’t really have any reason to care for or worry about. Without the emotional connection, it’s harder for us to care about and figure out what’s happening to them. The superhero angle is interesting, but it doesn’t really ring true; without any of the normal superhero tropes, the word seems a little bit misapplied here. The end seemed abrupt. At less than 1400 words, I think the tale would benefit from some additional expansion and explanation. Judgment: [sblock]I both liked and disliked elements of both stories, but my judgment goes to Orchid Blossom for more coherent picture integration and a stronger narrative.[/sblock] Maldur: orchid blossom vs. FireLance hard choice this time Firelance, I like this story, it has a sense of wonder, for the main character and for the reader. And it leaves the story unfinished, one of the cruelest things to do to a reader (but in a good way). One thing: she has several magics at her disposal, but she does not use them all, and she gets another (a spear) to finish the job. Orchid: funny story, it brought a smile to my face. It was a bit short, it felt like more. And the ending made me wonder how them kids do their stuff, without their mother worrying or interfering. My vote: [sblock]Firelance, Orchids story had less impact for me.[/sblock] Alsih2o: Firelance- Great picture use. The Cyclops in the jar, the soldiers, even the diving board. But I want a finished story. We have had lots of competitors write “Parts” of stories and some have even boldly tried to write in installments through the competition (I love this, takes guts) but this one really made me believe it was gonna finish. Some of the paragraphs around the chicken fight get thick. I didn’t need to be told how she was special or different, I read this kind of stuff. I assume she is different. I would have preferred all that to come out in the story, rather than in a block. Good stuff. Orchid Blossom- OB really embraces fantasy. No worries here about whther you are keeping up or following along, no matter how fantastic the subject matter is it is taken in everyday stride. This allows all kinds of fantastic picture use, picture use that wouldn’t seem extraordinary because it is treated as everyday moments. And even fantasy is everyday to someone, yes? Good tale. Judgement: [sblock] Firleance did well. A strong story with a good theme and strong pic use. OB just did it all a little better and with an amazing conservation of words. My vote goes to Orchid Blossom.[/sblock] Decision: [sblock] Orchid Blossom takes it 2-1[/sblock] [/QUOTE]
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