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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Berandor" data-source="post: 3330226" data-attributes="member: 225">Since yangnome seems to be occupied, I'll divert myself by a short commentary on drawmack's entry.[sblock]Sam Spade detective stories are always fun! I think your entry suffered from some flaws, however. First, and most importantly: conflict – where is it? The protagonist just goes from one scene to the next. It's easy to shake his shadows (except when they easily re-find him), and the "people" he meets tell him everything without much hesitation. The main character doesn't really do anything except make calls and visit places, and that's not really an accomplishment.Second, the story is too open. I don't mind that the husband is killed in the end, and the ironic sentence at the end was a nice idea – but we don't get much resolution. Why did Karl go into hiding, and Ralph with him? What was that club really about? It's too mysterious, I think.Third, the pictures aren't really that integral to the story. The casket thing is more a recollection, and not that important. Indeed, why would Karl fake his death with too small a coffin? The owl/fox was alright; if its appearance had been just the tip of the iceberg in the mystery of the disappearances, it would have been better, though. The skeletons were just random window dressing, I felt, and the doorwomen not much more.Finally, if you jave the time, you should go through the story once more before posting; there were some commas missing, and reworking dialogue to get it more to the point can make or break especially such a detective story.I'm not saying your entry was worthless or anything; I really like the idea of the hard-boiled detective biting off more than he can chew, a sort-of ironic look at the genre. I like the idea of a biogenetical company producing chimerae. In terms of characterization, spelling/grammar, and plotting, I'm reading much worse right now (see above). But while practice makes good, criticism makes perfect. Thank you for your story, nevertheless. I enjoyed reading it.[/sblock]</blockquote>

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