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Ceramic DM Winter 07 (Final Judgment Posted)
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<blockquote data-quote="Berandor" data-source="post: 3354235" data-attributes="member: 225"><p>More details for my esteemed opponent:</p><p></p><p>[sblock]Really an excellent story. I find it risky to write in present tense, and it works only in shorter stories such as these. Here, it mostly plays a part in the opening paragraph, drawing us right in, and in the end, when it really seems like present tense, i.e. we're reading about armageddon right now. One thing I just now noticed: we don't know whether the narrator hits; could be the story ends because a moment later, all he has to say is prayers <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>I know when I end up writing three hours at a time and not noticing it, it is a sign that I really got into the characters. It seems the same happened to you. Your story is almost like a Sherlock-Holmes story, with the narrator being the sidekick. The "hero" of the piece is very well drawn; he's the strong personality that draws us in. The narrator, on the other hand, is the one who changes from a non- to a true believer. Looking at my story, I don't have this kind of characterization, and I see in yours how important it is.</p><p></p><p>The story starts off brilliantly, with the target practice not being totally explained, and the sentence about Parker killing children to save the world hooks us and never lets us go. The second part with the bookstore sign is expository, and important, though I didn't fully understand what the bookstore sign had to do with it and where the thirty percent came from. I understood it as a sort of viral marketing that Christ is coming, yet with the bookstore – did the parents publish a book about their holy child? This part is also where I as a reader think Parker is totally off his rocker. I don't necessarily think he's wrong, but there's no question he's mad, too. And that makes this character all the more interesting, especially since he's not sanctified in the end. He may do the right thing, but he's not a very stable person.</p><p></p><p>The third part, of course, is where we learn it's true. Again, I'm not sure whether the dinosaur egg is supposed to signal something (maybe the evolution debate?), and I'm still unclear about how Parker killed the boy. The thing with the emergency services is creepy. A truly global conspiracy? I'm not sure how it would work, but I accept it. On first reading, the next part seemed to me the weakest of the story, constrained by the picture. Perhaps that was myself talking, because that was the image I had the greatest trouble with fitting into my ideas. Now I think you really made it work; having this dance to locate Christ, and only noticing it when suddenly Christ appears? I would have liked to be there when the first one was born, must have been quite the discussion afterwards.</p><p></p><p>Of course, the ending is wonderful. I wonder why god's son appears in such a form ("one of these"), but that's all. In the end, the biggest hurdle I have to accept in this story is not that the christian spirit jumps from slayer to slayer, but that such a thing would come about and that we'd get a global conspiracy to reign it in, and that no faithful heard about it and put up their own troops. As a matter of fact, I expected Parker to be hunted by fundamentalist ninjas or something. But that is easy to forget or accept because the story is simply very well told, very tight and exciting. Great work.</p><p></p><p>For a moment, I thought I might still have a chance based on picture use <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />, but now I'm not so sure. The pictures all have a place. I mean, who knows? Maybe I strike a chord or something. But it's no shame to lose to your entry, and truth be told, I'd hate to see you out of the competition after this story. It seems it's true what people say; you really can't win them all <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>Edit: After reading Gulla's comments, forget it! I'm gonna kick you out! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" />[/sblock]</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Berandor, post: 3354235, member: 225"] More details for my esteemed opponent: [sblock]Really an excellent story. I find it risky to write in present tense, and it works only in shorter stories such as these. Here, it mostly plays a part in the opening paragraph, drawing us right in, and in the end, when it really seems like present tense, i.e. we're reading about armageddon right now. One thing I just now noticed: we don't know whether the narrator hits; could be the story ends because a moment later, all he has to say is prayers :) I know when I end up writing three hours at a time and not noticing it, it is a sign that I really got into the characters. It seems the same happened to you. Your story is almost like a Sherlock-Holmes story, with the narrator being the sidekick. The "hero" of the piece is very well drawn; he's the strong personality that draws us in. The narrator, on the other hand, is the one who changes from a non- to a true believer. Looking at my story, I don't have this kind of characterization, and I see in yours how important it is. The story starts off brilliantly, with the target practice not being totally explained, and the sentence about Parker killing children to save the world hooks us and never lets us go. The second part with the bookstore sign is expository, and important, though I didn't fully understand what the bookstore sign had to do with it and where the thirty percent came from. I understood it as a sort of viral marketing that Christ is coming, yet with the bookstore – did the parents publish a book about their holy child? This part is also where I as a reader think Parker is totally off his rocker. I don't necessarily think he's wrong, but there's no question he's mad, too. And that makes this character all the more interesting, especially since he's not sanctified in the end. He may do the right thing, but he's not a very stable person. The third part, of course, is where we learn it's true. Again, I'm not sure whether the dinosaur egg is supposed to signal something (maybe the evolution debate?), and I'm still unclear about how Parker killed the boy. The thing with the emergency services is creepy. A truly global conspiracy? I'm not sure how it would work, but I accept it. On first reading, the next part seemed to me the weakest of the story, constrained by the picture. Perhaps that was myself talking, because that was the image I had the greatest trouble with fitting into my ideas. Now I think you really made it work; having this dance to locate Christ, and only noticing it when suddenly Christ appears? I would have liked to be there when the first one was born, must have been quite the discussion afterwards. Of course, the ending is wonderful. I wonder why god's son appears in such a form ("one of these"), but that's all. In the end, the biggest hurdle I have to accept in this story is not that the christian spirit jumps from slayer to slayer, but that such a thing would come about and that we'd get a global conspiracy to reign it in, and that no faithful heard about it and put up their own troops. As a matter of fact, I expected Parker to be hunted by fundamentalist ninjas or something. But that is easy to forget or accept because the story is simply very well told, very tight and exciting. Great work. For a moment, I thought I might still have a chance based on picture use :), but now I'm not so sure. The pictures all have a place. I mean, who knows? Maybe I strike a chord or something. But it's no shame to lose to your entry, and truth be told, I'd hate to see you out of the competition after this story. It seems it's true what people say; you really can't win them all :) Edit: After reading Gulla's comments, forget it! I'm gonna kick you out! :D[/sblock] [/QUOTE]
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