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Ceramic DM Winter 07 (Final Judgment Posted)
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<blockquote data-quote="Berandor" data-source="post: 3357334" data-attributes="member: 225"><p>Just a short commentary on the entries.</p><p></p><p>[sblock]</p><p><strong>mythago</strong>: I love trickster stories, in part because I think they're hell to write. Your story has a nice foundation, but it could have used some finish in order to make it flow better, to tie the pictures stronger into the narrative (the last one, for example). And, obviously, some more time to spend with the wax man (to better feel for him) or Jackal (to enjoy the story more; he's more a side player here). I hope you'll have some more time next round – it seems your opponent was even more stressed out. I'm looking forward to it.</p><p></p><p><strong>carpedavid</strong>: Once again, a wonderful story. Your characterization here is top-notch, not only of Shijo, but of all characters (except perhaps the robotic dog). And it's funny! A cat as a boss, and how it's disposed, and the hungry skeleton, and... really, a wonderful, complete entry. No doubt there were things to catch or to improve, but on my single perusal I didn't notice them. Thank you.</p><p></p><p><strong>BSF</strong>: Damn, you're unlucky this time around. First against Piratecat (and believe me, I know now how that feels), now against carpedavid. Your story is very nice, as well, though I would have liked a little more meat. Some dialogue, or something. I realize this may have betrayed the narrator's identity earlier, but then I'm not sure that would have harmed the story. As it is, we learn about the cat-thing just as he's kicking the dog, and so I had to accept the talking animal thing AND his lucky kung-fu kick in the same line. Also, I was a little pulled out of the story by the dead girl; the story seemed more or less ironic in tone as opposed to dark, and dead children seemed too dark somehow. Still, a very enjoyable entry, albeit one that I'm not sure will survive against carpedavid. Thank you.</p><p>[/sblock]</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Berandor, post: 3357334, member: 225"] Just a short commentary on the entries. [sblock] [b]mythago[/b]: I love trickster stories, in part because I think they're hell to write. Your story has a nice foundation, but it could have used some finish in order to make it flow better, to tie the pictures stronger into the narrative (the last one, for example). And, obviously, some more time to spend with the wax man (to better feel for him) or Jackal (to enjoy the story more; he's more a side player here). I hope you'll have some more time next round – it seems your opponent was even more stressed out. I'm looking forward to it. [b]carpedavid[/b]: Once again, a wonderful story. Your characterization here is top-notch, not only of Shijo, but of all characters (except perhaps the robotic dog). And it's funny! A cat as a boss, and how it's disposed, and the hungry skeleton, and... really, a wonderful, complete entry. No doubt there were things to catch or to improve, but on my single perusal I didn't notice them. Thank you. [b]BSF[/b]: Damn, you're unlucky this time around. First against Piratecat (and believe me, I know now how that feels), now against carpedavid. Your story is very nice, as well, though I would have liked a little more meat. Some dialogue, or something. I realize this may have betrayed the narrator's identity earlier, but then I'm not sure that would have harmed the story. As it is, we learn about the cat-thing just as he's kicking the dog, and so I had to accept the talking animal thing AND his lucky kung-fu kick in the same line. Also, I was a little pulled out of the story by the dead girl; the story seemed more or less ironic in tone as opposed to dark, and dead children seemed too dark somehow. Still, a very enjoyable entry, albeit one that I'm not sure will survive against carpedavid. Thank you. [/sblock] [/QUOTE]
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