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Message: <blockquote data-quote="AuroraGyps" data-source="post: 1968098" data-attributes="member: 1166">Yeah, I'm totally NOT there.  It's such a long, painful thing that would have been hard enough for a "regular" person, but all this happened ON TOP OF me having the depression and the social anxiety thing, and these people that I thought were my friends and family still treated me awful.  It was like I just kept being kicked while I was down over & over for almost three years.  Now, almost 4 years later, it looks like everyone is totally happy: getting married, having kids, etc, & it's like I never existed or I was some kind of bad luck thing.  As for me, I'm so gun shy and screwed up from what happened, I don't even know how to make friends, I'm afraid to make friends, so I spend all my time alone w/ my cat.  I applied for SSI and was turned down, which I get to appeal (which will take about 2 years), and I'm on Medicaid, food stamps, and state aid, & am on temporary disability (the anxiety thing).  I stayed in Buffalo because I love it and it has so many opportunities to offer, but it hasn't been very lucky for my.It all makes me wonder what is so wrong with me.  It hurts that the people I cared about the most, even though things were messed up, didn't want to take a last chance to fix things with me.  They all went with the ex... in fact, I think they were all my friends only because I WAS his SO.  I have no friends I'm in contact with from High School, because I wasn't in school cause of the anxiety thing, and I guess "outta sight, outta mind".  All my life I wanted a "normal life". Ya know, in HS, ya hang with friends, learn to drive, have a part time job, take the SATs, & apply to colleges (well, most of you I'm guessing).  I never did any of that.  I didn't even attend my own HS graduation (which I only made it because of a home tutor) because I had an anxiety attack while I was getting ready.  I made it to the ceremony and sat in the audience ("I'd be next, Mom").  I was in a 10 year relationship (7 of which we lived in Buffalo and WE, my EX & I, were totally lax about my medical care and made a bunch of other mistakes), and all I got out of it was a cat (who had no choice in the matter, but still loves me).  I really like people and I hate that I have this stupid problem that makes it difficult for me to be around them and also for them to be around me.  Sometimes I wish I had the $ so I could go be a eccentric hermit and live off somewhere by myself. <img src="http://www.enworld.org/forum/images/smilies/nervous.png"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":heh:" title="Nervous Laugh    :heh:" data-shortname=":heh:" /> I keep trying to get it right and I don't know how... and very rarely do you meet someone that gives helpful advice and instead acts like a insensitive jerk.I'm done ranting for now.  I'm gonna go cry on my cat (who is almost over her cold and feeling much better and won't eat dinner without Mommy around<img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f600.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":D" title="Big grin    :D"  data-smilie="8"data-shortname=":D" /> ).  Plus, The Tonight Show looks like it might be funny and Jack Hanna's on Letterman (that guy is SO clueless).  Thanks for listening and for the support and the advice.  I swear, I'm really much more fun in person.<img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f609.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=";)" title="Wink    ;)"  data-smilie="2"data-shortname=";)" /></blockquote>

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