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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Jack7" data-source="post: 5311106" data-attributes="member: 54707">A lot of people have given good advice.Here's my personal experience.A couple of years ago the wife and I were both considering divorce. Well, she was anyways, but I consider divorce morally and religiously anathema. Nevertheless she seemed determined about it and after a bunch of fighting and a lot of frustration I was finally to the point of giving up myself. Almost.Finally one night I woke her up about three in the morning and told her we were either gonna have a really good marriage, or no marriage at all. I told her if she wanted to sty in the marriage she must fight and prove it. I didn't blame or push her, but I let her know there was no other choices and I was resolute.This began a long period of reassessing and changing our marriage. Now it is excellent. Probably in the best state ever, up to and including our sexual relationship. At the time we had been married 14 years and had two children.At that point, and our problems slowly developed over a two year period our financial, romantic, sexual, and personal relationship (with each other) was horrible and looking back on it now, sorta shameful (compared to what it should have been). I can also tell you, as others have either said or hinted at, after childbirth, many women undergo dramatic hormonal and psychological changes. My wife was no exception. That's something you just have to be patient about, and sweat it out, as a man. I was terrifically sexually frustrated. After the birth she went back on birth control. We later found out that the chemicals (the formula) in the birth control were causing all types of hormonal and mood havoc for her, including depressing her sexual appetite. You might want to investigate this if it is the case with you. After she went off birth control, her mood and desires stabilized and eventually returned to normal.However, personally, the tide turned for us when I demanded changes on both her part, and promised them on my part. Thus equal effort and work. But then again our marriage problems were at a far different point in our marriage than is the case with you guys.I can also tell you this though, financial problems exacerbate other problems. Solve those problems, as a first step, and they will make solving other problems easier. I also agree with those who have said to expand your social circle, and hers as well.I don't know your wife, so it may be an impossible situation. But it may very well not be. You'll never know unless you try.But what you really need is a plan. Develop a plan of what problems you'll investigate first, what problems you'll try and solve first, what problems can wait, and what problems will be solved in the long run.Without a good plan of investigation and procedure, it's very hard to achieve anything in life, cause you don't really know where you're going, what you want to achieve, how to go about it, or what your exact objectives are. A good plan can help you to come to know these factors, and knowing is half the battle. I say that jokingly, but it's true. Sit down with your wife, in a non-confrontational manner, and without taking ego insult at any of the remarks she levels at you, tell her you love her (if you do, and it sounds like you do, you're making an effort), love your child, and ask her what she really wants, and really wants from you. You'd be surprised the good this can do for one's psyche, you and hers. She may realize that you really care and are willing to work, you will get a firmer idea of her real thought processes. But you have to be firm and stay with it until she really speaks heart (assuming she will and her hormonal state is stable). But I do agree with this also. Don't raise your children in an environment of tension, distrust, and resentment. Regardless of whether you reconcile or not, don't let that be the child's experience of your relationship with each other. And tell her: you won't downplay her or be disrespectful of her, and she won't of you. Demand equal respect. It's amazing what simply being polite to one another will accomplish. That and showing love unselfishly.This would be my process:1. What problems are physical, chemical, biological?2. What problems are psychological?3. What problems are otherwise?4. What solutions are possible and worth pursuing?5. What can be done immediately?6. What needs to be done over time?If you're a religious fellow, I'd also pray. That helped me and my wife out a lot.One thing people overlook about prayer, is that it's not just a request from God for aid, though in this case it can be, but it's also a way of vocalizing and therefore re-analyzing in a different way, mindset, and psychological and spiritual attitude, the problems that you face. So to me prayer is also a form of analysis and problem solving. Getting down on your knees also takes the focus off of you in an unselfish manner, and therefore you can look at your situation more objectively, instead of being worried about what you want at that exact moment. So it helps to develop a more long term view of a situation or event. Because you're probably not gonna solve this overnight. This may not be the case, but it may also take a couple of years of slow turnaround and steady but incremental improvement. In any case let her know what you want out of the marriage, what you think makes a good marriage, and know what she wants. Neither one of you may have nay idea of what the other really thinks and expects. As a matter of fact, I'm willing to bet that's the case. You're drifting cause neither of you know what port you're sailing for, and aren't steering by any method other than dead-reckoning. What you both need is a compass, and a chart. Know where you're going.And that's my experience. Don't know if it helped you or not, but I'm pulling for you guys.In any case, good luck and Godspeed. I'll pray for you both too.And if I were you I'd relax a little, have some faith. Things went a lot better for us the moment I decided to stop vacillating, had some faith it would be okay, and started to relax. A good athlete can't perform well if he's constantly tense and upset. You can't be a good husband tense and on-edge. You're working against yourself. I know it's easy to say, and hard to do, but force yourself to relax and have a little faith. Be optimistic, rather than pessimistic and uncertain. Optimism is infectious. On the other hand so is pessimism and uncertainty.Relax and focus on what you can do. What you can't do, you can't do, but maybe in a month or so, you can.So, Godspeed to you guys again.</blockquote>

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