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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Fast Learner" data-source="post: 5313935" data-attributes="member: 649">I'm glad to hear that the "as if" technique has brought you a measure of peace. I used it in one relationship and the results were fascinating.The authors of the book After the Affair (a great book on relationships regardless of whether there was ever an affair or not) points out something that I'd never considered and that I've found to be incredibly useful ever since.They point out that whatever traits your partner has that attracted you in the first place, the flip side of these very traits often cause great difficulties in the relationship.For example, you might have fallen for your partner because s/he's incredibly spontaneous, bringing joyful surprises again and again. Once the relationship is established, though, while you're still enjoying the spontaneity you find yourself frustrated that s/he never seems willing to sit down and plan out your finances or figure out your Christmas plans or what have you. Of course s/he doesn't want to do those things, s/he's incredibly spontaneous; the flip side of spontaneity is not making plans!One of the exercises in the book is to make a list of all of the things that attracted (and attract) you to your partner, and then for each one write down what the flip sides of that trait might be. Then take a look a those flip sides and see how closely they match the things you're frustrated about in the relationship. In the two different relationships I've done this exercise with, both of us found stunning matches.From there you can learn to first accept that if your partner is X in a way that you like, s/he's very likely the flip side of X in a way you don't like. With this knowledge you can tackle the actual problems, all the while recognizing that some of your issues are things that you'll just need to accept on some level if you're also going to have the enjoyable side of the trait.It's not a panacea, but I highly, highly recommend this exercise for anyone in a relationship that has some stress (visible or lurking beneath the covers).[ame=http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0060928174/]After the Affair[/ame]</blockquote>

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