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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Clint" data-source="post: 1733150" data-attributes="member: 2283">Because you asked, and I'm between writing groups. <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />Your images are strong, and you clearly know what story you want to tell, so let's focus on the mechanics. I'll take one sentence from each scene.Which verb describes the moment of impact? I ask this because being hit in the face with a crowbar is grisly and violent, and a great choice of image for such an angry character. The verb is the most important way to describe the action and the tone. If there is a strong action, it should dominate the sentence it is presented in, and shouldn't be hidden in a subordinate clause unless you're deliberately downplaying it. In general, don't count on future sentences to make past actions clear.Clauses such as this are difficult to understand on the first read. Sure, you get it by the end of the sentence, but there's a second in the middle where the reader is lost. The reader doesn't know that the 'and' between air and mortar joins two clauses. Make sure you help the reader see that: "fire and mortar..." -> "fire, while mortar...".Indirect pronouns should be resolved immediately. In the first sentence, we don't know what 'it' is. What came upon him? Bloodlust, but this is never laid out for us.I don't think your writing is at all horrible. Like I said, you have strong visuals, and you have imagination. You just need practice. Fiction writing is both craft and imagination, so keep writing and practice the mechanics of language. In time, you'll not only get better, but you won't need someone to tell you that you are better.Hope this helps.-Clint</blockquote>

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