Reply to thread

Message: <blockquote data-quote="Thia Halmades" data-source="post: 2721422" data-attributes="member: 35863">I think I'm getting to the core of this.  Guys: the picture isn't the disease, it's a symptom.  The disease is a dissassociative, difficult player who thinks because she saw it in a film, or has heard the term, that it must be acceptable.  She doesn't seem (from the one side of the argument I've got) to have wrapped her skull around the following:- DM as arbiter, guide, and author.  There's a give & take between what the DM does (write the plot about the characters) and what players do (portray characters within the confines of the plot as written).  She (the wife) is playing to her whims, not the strengths or abilities of the party.  Which isn't an indictment, it's an observation.  Some folk just don't know any better.- The picture issue, then, is about her 'giving back' a bit; I was correct in my initial assumption, she just doesn't "get it."  Don seems to be saying "I'll concede these points so you can play something you like."  She then takes that rope, and using her son's boyscout training, cleverly ties it into a knot and attempts to hang Don with it.  Don, for his part, disagrees with the notion of having his windpipe choked out.  Discussion ensues: Don: "Please stop choking me, I can't run my game this way."  Her: "I don't care about the game, I'm ME oriented.  I want a character about ME and what I want to do.  If it isn't about ME, it's not worth it."  This is generating a vicious cycle; plenty of players are down with what they're doing.  You'll always have one player (I've had, and have them) who 'feel useless' because they aren't in the spotlinght 24/7.  There are a couple of fixes for this.Step 1: Have the same sit-down, now with a wider view of the issue.  "You say you feel useless.  In order to not be useless, we may need to consider changing directions from what you want to play, which is already being done, to something which isn't being done.  This is both a good change of pace for you, as a player, because you can try something different, and good for the group, because they have a need in the X slot."  I think you're doing the right thing by being willing to bend, if she wants to play a Gillen (sp) then by all means; if it's that important, roll with it.  If she wants to play a Drow, hey, draw a line (see Step 2).Step 2: The if/then statement.  If you want to play in this game, then you have to help me help you.  You're clearly unhappy, and that detracts from everyone else's experience, including your own.  I make no guarantees that someone who is me-thinking oriented can break that mold long enough to grasp the concept her behavior is unilaterally detrimental; she doesn't have fun, you can't run properly, and then no one else has fun.  This a small group dynamics issue, and as such has larger implications than her and her character.  The if/then statement is the first step in your ultimatum.  See Step 3.Step 3, Ultimatum.  PRIOR to going this far, make sure you've talked to the husband, and he was at least informed of steps 1 & 2.  I do not recommened allowing him to get in the middle unless you have too (see prior post about opening communication/bridging the gap).  You do not, under any circumstances, want to put him in the middle where he's forced to choose, because his choice will have to be her.  That's a lose/lose proposition.  In the event it gets this far, your conversation may then look like this:"I'm useless and your ideas suck."  You: "Not playing is an option; I can't make you have fun, and I can't upend the world structure - which is working fine for everyone else - just to satisfy you.  It compromises too much of the story and what about the game works."  In this scenario, you've put the weight on her.  Make sure you know what you've tried, and you have some sort of documentation (even if you write it down for yourself) of how these conversations go.  When dealing with conflict resolution, you want evidence, including emails, personal notes, etc.  That way if push comes to shove, you can say with certainty, I tried this, this... you threw this out... you won't listen to anything involving this... sounds to me like you aren't real team oriented, and D&D is a team game.Good luck.</blockquote>

Verification