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Message: <blockquote data-quote="RangerWickett" data-source="post: 5159640" data-attributes="member: 63">Hehe. Will do. Thank you for the advice.At the risk of sounding defensive, I acknowledge the critique but have decided it's best to keep it as is. The narrator sees his character as basically another facet of himself.What I reveal over the rest of the first chapter is that he has quit playing this game because he thinks time traveling Nazis are cheesy. (It's a cross-over event between two games published by the same studio.) The real-world plot involves him going to a politically unstable nation to rescue a friend in trouble, and he receives help from a local woman who plays the World War II Ages game. During this, one of the personal issues Jaime deals is that he regrets his decision to quit. He feels like he's left something unfinished.The desire to accomplish his in-game goals becomes a key motivation that influences his real-world actions. And since his guide still plays the game (and because he's attracted to her), he gets drawn back into playing. The events of the in-game fantastical adventure alternately drive and are a reflection of the out-of-game journey Jaime's on.So I want the opening line to have both a bit of a poetry, and a bit of crassness. (Though in this case, 'this sh*t' is used not as an insult, but just a generic term for 'stuff.') Agreed.The in-game action is integral to the plot and to Jaime's identity as a character. However, if you were reading the opening as 'an animated show the characters are watching,' I obviously wasn't doing my job as well as I'd hoped. I want you to read it as an action scene that establishes one of the main conflicts in the novel, and acts as the motivating moment that starts Jaime's personal story.I dunno, maybe I should have included the rest of the first chapter, which has the movement from in-game to out-of-game events. Or maybe I spend too much time on the game, though you yourself did say I should enjoy a 'sense of play.'It ends up being a mix. Sometimes he's watching events, but narrating it as his personal history, because as far as he's concerned these events did happen to him. (Clarification: He's not crazy or anything; he's clearly aware it's a game, but it's a game he spends a lot of time playing.) Sometimes he's playing in the present. Occasionally he watches video starring other characters. I'm a little worried that you use the word 'tedious' to describe what in my mind were supposed to be fun action scenes.Fair enough. Some of that comes later in the first chapter. It's always a challenge to figure out what gets priority at the start of a story.Again, thank you for the critique. It's helpful, not just to find stuff that needs fixing, but to give me an opportunity to reconsider what I wrote so I can figure out what was a conscious choice, and what parts I wrote without giving them much thought.</blockquote>

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