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<blockquote data-quote="Cleon" data-source="post: 8872419" data-attributes="member: 57383"><p>Hmm, okay let's get niggling with the <strong>first paragraph</strong>!</p><p> There's something about the "spirits" in "Dark powers then grant their spirits undeath" I don't care for. I know the <em>Monster Manual</em> wight mentions spirits, but it just sounds more appropriate for a spectral undead. Maybe move the "corporeal" from the first sentence to the second?</p><p> Using "killed" is a bit vanilla, how about "slain" or even "murdered"?</p><p> The whole "are corporeal undead created when" suggests that ALL troglodytes killed by a nasty undead or who die in a cursed area become these wights, which doesn't seem right. Maybe change that to "can be created" or "are sometimes created"?</p><p></p><p>Shouldn't the parenthesis in the <strong>second paragraph</strong> open after "the" rather than before it? The "However" in the second paragraph seems superfluous.</p><p></p><p>The ", and they are" in <em><strong>Unearthly Cave Dwellers</strong></em> is a bit clunky. The <strong>third paragraph</strong> could do with starting a new sentence there.</p><p></p><p>I'd suggest the following tweaks:</p><p></p><p style="margin-left: 20px">Troglo-wights <span style="color: red">can be created</span> when troglodytes are <span style="color: red">slain</span> by an undead being of great power or in a locale blighted by great evil. <span style="color: red">Dark powers then granted their spirits corporeal undeath</span>, leaving them to wreak havoc among the living. They appear as deathly pale troglodytes with dark eyes, which blaze with a white spark when living prey is attacked.</p> <p style="margin-left: 20px"> Possessing <span style="color: red">the (</span>admittedly limited) intellect of their formerly living selves, troglo-wights have some capacity for planning and free will. <span style="color: red">This</span> is usually overridden by their compulsion to serve the agents that made them.</p> <p style="margin-left: 20px"> <em><strong>Unearthly Cave Dwellers.</strong></em> Their subterranean origins allow troglo-wights more freedom than sun-fearing undead have above ground<span style="color: red">. They</span> are less likely to be bound to a specific lair location.</p><p></p><p>Well at least I didn't overwrite it completely this time. There's a fair amount of the original wording there! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Cleon, post: 8872419, member: 57383"] Hmm, okay let's get niggling with the [B]first paragraph[/B]! There's something about the "spirits" in "Dark powers then grant their spirits undeath" I don't care for. I know the [I]Monster Manual[/I] wight mentions spirits, but it just sounds more appropriate for a spectral undead. Maybe move the "corporeal" from the first sentence to the second? Using "killed" is a bit vanilla, how about "slain" or even "murdered"? The whole "are corporeal undead created when" suggests that ALL troglodytes killed by a nasty undead or who die in a cursed area become these wights, which doesn't seem right. Maybe change that to "can be created" or "are sometimes created"? Shouldn't the parenthesis in the [B]second paragraph[/B] open after "the" rather than before it? The "However" in the second paragraph seems superfluous. The ", and they are" in [I][B]Unearthly Cave Dwellers[/B][/I] is a bit clunky. The [B]third paragraph[/B] could do with starting a new sentence there. I'd suggest the following tweaks: [INDENT]Troglo-wights [COLOR=red]can be created[/COLOR] when troglodytes are [COLOR=red]slain[/COLOR] by an undead being of great power or in a locale blighted by great evil. [COLOR=red]Dark powers then granted their spirits corporeal undeath[/COLOR], leaving them to wreak havoc among the living. They appear as deathly pale troglodytes with dark eyes, which blaze with a white spark when living prey is attacked.[/INDENT] [INDENT] Possessing [COLOR=red]the ([/COLOR]admittedly limited) intellect of their formerly living selves, troglo-wights have some capacity for planning and free will. [COLOR=red]This[/COLOR] is usually overridden by their compulsion to serve the agents that made them.[/INDENT] [INDENT] [I][B]Unearthly Cave Dwellers.[/B][/I] Their subterranean origins allow troglo-wights more freedom than sun-fearing undead have above ground[COLOR=red]. They[/COLOR] are less likely to be bound to a specific lair location.[/INDENT] Well at least I didn't overwrite it completely this time. There's a fair amount of the original wording there! :) [/QUOTE]
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